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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: hippies

Headlines 10.16.12

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

...you never go back, Afghanistan, Al Gore, Al Gore is the political Art Garfunkel, Alzheimer's, Arabs, Barack Obama, beauty pageant, Bush Doctrine, Chelsea Clinton, China, deaf people, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, Egypt, Gloria Allred, grass, headlines, hemp, hippies, Honey Boo Boo, Hosni Mubarak, illegal aliens, Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Marines, MILFs, Mom, Paul Ryan, pot, reefer, Rihanna, seriously--hippies are odious, Somali pirates, Somalia, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Look, We Tried, But She Refused To Take It Seriously. She Kept Wanting To Play Charades.

 

In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.

Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.

Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.

‎A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.

Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?

Because Sexualizing Children Boosts Their Self-Esteem!

Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion? 

Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.

Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.

Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.

Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’

Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.

With No Running Water, Improper Sanitation And Those People, It’s A Safe Bet Everything Smells A Little Bit Like Baked Crotch.

How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.

Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.

Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.

Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.

Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”

Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.

Wait–Isn’t She The One Who Likes To Get Peed On? Shit. We Just Hope The Baby’s Mammalian.

Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.

T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?

Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.

Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…

Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.

Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.

No, We Said It WASN’T Because Of That!

Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.

Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?

LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.

Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!

5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!

“No, If You Say You’re My Son, I Believe You. It’s Just That I Figured You’d Be Better Looking.”

Headlines 08.16.12

16 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, Atlanta Braves, Aurora Massacre, Big Pharma, Camaroon, China, cocaine, dope, drunken Irishmen, Facebook, free speech, gay people, Germany, grass, Handi Wipes, headlines, hemp, hippies, hookers, marijuana, places that suck, pot, reefer, Sikh Massacre, slavery, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Son of Sam, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

If We Can No Longer Trust The Krauts To Be Racially Sensitive, What Hope Is Left?

In which we opine on the day’s headlines without first reading the stories.

***

Amelia Earhart: Better feminist than pilot? ~ Let’s fucking hope so!

Study: Rich, poor Americans increasingly likely to live in separate neighborhoods ~ Because in times of old, the industrialist robber barons preferred to slum it among the great unwashed.

A Facebook ‘Like’ Is Free Speech ~ At its most cowardly and least significant.

Olympic female badminton players face charges ~ You just don’t see this kind of thing happening with the goodminton players.

‘Son of Sam’ Killer: Aurora, Sikh Massacres ‘Senseless’ ~ But if, for example, a dude killed couples who were making out in cars ’cause a talking dog told him to do it, that would make a lot more sense.

“The French Embassy, Benny. Tomorrow, Noon. No Survivors.”

Alzheimer’s drug research halted ~ “To be fair, we didn’t halt it precisely, but rather we…ah…we…Are you my grandson?”

‘I don’t want my friends to die on my birthday’ ~ Same here. We’re holding out for Christmas.

Think You’re Gay? It Shows in Your Eyes ~ Ha!–You’ve got the Queer Eye.

7 Cameroon athletes missing from Olympic village ~ “Hey! The flight back to our jerkwater African Republic leaves in an hour! You guys will be so pissed if you miss it!”

Researchers doubt positive aspects of medical marijuana ~ And by ‘researchers’, we mean Justice Department fart-catchers and their Big Pharma masters.

Dude, If You REALLY Want To Help The Cause, Maybe Grab A Shower And Cut That Rat’s Nest Off Your Head.

US Presidential Election Takes Negative Turn ~ Verily. It is our most fervent hope that the scurrilous example set by both the Adams and Jefferson campaigns shall not be repeated in 1800’s presidential contest.

Are Team USA’s $500 Leotards Worth It? ~ Well now, that depends–have you guys already laundered them or are they still stinky? And do you accept PayPal?

Autopsy inconclusive for Obama staffer remembered as dedicated to campaign ~ He found out too late that the Kool-Aid comes at a pretty high price.

His other car is on Mars ~ Oh, he’s lying to you, honey. He ain’t got no other car.

Octopus hitches ride on dolphin’s genitals ~ Hey, we’ve got an idea: who wants to go fishing?

He’s Wearing One Right Now!

What it feels like to be attacked by a great white shark ~ Obviously, each  experience is unique and subject to myriad factors which can influence the outcome. However, agony and intense terror usually figure in there somewhere.

Irishman gives expert Olympic sailing commentary ~ “Ah fookin’ telt ye ah know fook all abaht boots, but ye can’t fookin’ oonerstan me, can ye, ye wee daft fookers?”

Exercise termed ‘Wonder Drug’ ~ Trickery is the only way to get fatties to try it.

21 Burned in Walk Over Hot Coals at Robbins Event ~ We have a modicum of sympathy for the first couple fire-walkers, but if you’re idiot #21, who’s just been asked to please step aside so the paramedics can get through, why not “go big” and just walk across the coals on your face?

Braves give Smoltz team’s highest honor ~ The Tomahawk Chop!

Often Native Americans Would Perform This Ceremony While Loitering Outside Stadiums On Game Day, Selling Loose Tickets. The Name Just Stuck.

Tavis Smiley: Poverty is the new slavery ~ So, did they not have poverty back in olden times? Otherwise, poverty is still poverty, and you’ll have to look a little harder to find the new slavery.

Why Certain Countries Dominate the Games ~ Because certain countries are naturally more awesome than others. That, and China cheats.

‘Mentally disabled’ man executed in Texas ~ Beginning writers often muddy their prose with extraneous words. Incisive, elegant writing means eschewing redundancies. This sentence should read “Texan executed.”

Live Alone? You’re Not Alone ~ But really you are. Very much alone.

Picking up more than a hooker ~ Well, sure–you can’t forget cocaine & Handi Wipes.

‘Cause It’s For Sure Gonna Get Messy.

Robertson To Marijuana Advocates: “Your Move, Dirtbags!”

09 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

cannabis, community college vs real college, dope, grass, hemp, hippies, Just Say No!, keep marijuana illegal, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Oaksterdam, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, pot, reefer, seriously--hippies are odious, that trick never works, the sweet sweet cheeba, weed

By Smaktakula

Oh, Sure--He's A Cock-Knocker. But Let's Hear What He Has To Say.

Only a few days ago, it would have been hard to blame filthy hippies for getting all giddy over the possible legalization of marijuana. Cannabis, the decriminalization of which had seemed until recently to be largely inevitable, may not be as close to reality as previously feared. Despite valiant efforts by anti-drug activists  over the past decades, such as Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” Campaign or the hunger-inducing ‘This Is Your Brain On Drugs,” the public’s tolerance for this deadly plant seemed only to be growing. Then Pat Robertson weighed in.

Not Fucking Likely, You Filthy Cheeba-Monkeys!

Readers of Promethean Times are already familiar with the myriad threats to society posed by marijuana legalization. The pitfalls of hemp-addiction have been widely documented–some users become hooked to the reefer after simply walking into a room where someone has smoked marijuana within the past six hours.¹ Additionally, anyone who lives in an urban center or near a high school has seen the ugly effects of “Weed Rage”–the drug is known to give users the strength of ten men, and induces such fury that subduing a raging stoner requires an army of club-wielding cops and about four gallons of pepper spray. Crafty hemp-heads are reportedly contracting cancer intentionally as a ploy to get their grimy, emaciated hands on some sweet, sweet cheeba. And of course, incidents of weed-dissipated parents devouring their own children are so common as to be almost prosaic.

Hippies. A Lot Like Cockroaches, But Lacking The Charm.

Despite these very real and well-publicized dangers, it has taken until now for someone to summon the courage to affect real change. By announcing his support of marijuana legalization, Pat Robertson has done just that. Overnight, people who once thought marijuana a harmless pleasure are being forced to take a second look at this invasive weed, hopefully to see it for what it is–a nation-destroying blight. Banking on his reputation as a head-up-the-ass moron who has previously offered up godlessness as a cause for national disasters and who advocates political assassination as a form of diplomacy, Robertson is gambling that his advocacy of marijuana legalization will turn the public against it. On behalf of society as a whole, but most especially the children, Promethean Times thanks Pat Robertson for his brave stance in helping America say nope to dope and ugh to drugs.

Parents: Oaksterdam University Is NOT A Fully Accredited Institution Of Higher Learning! It's More Like A Community College.²

¹Unless that shit is the dank, in which case the effects can last up to 12 hours. ∞ T.
²Offended? Ha! You’re poorly educated. ∞ T.

Not What You Were Looking Four?

07 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Anne Rice, Baby Boomers, bulls, Chesley Sullenberger, crazy bastard, David Arquette, dope, douchebaggery, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dreadlocks, Garfield, goring, grass, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Guy Fieri, hairless hit factory, hemp, hippies, Hiroshima, incompetent boobery, Japan, Jeffrey Jones, John Wayne Bobbitt, Jon Lovitz, Justin Bieber, Kathy Ireland, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, marijuana, Michael Steele, Mike Tyson, Mom and Dad Save the World, nasty blond dreadlocks, Olive Garden, pirates, pot, Ramtha, reefer, Richard Simmons, Saudi Arabia, sweet sweet cheeba, tattoos, Teri Garr, Wallace Shawn

By Smaktakula

Well what did you think we were gonna call it?  Not what you were looking for four? Imbecile.

Newer readers who are unfamiliar with our “Not What You Were Looking For?” series may wish to review our first three fabulous installments:

  • Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Still Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Not What You Were Looking For, Episode III: The Search For Cock

promethan times Wrong!

world’s worst latin mullet; russian mullet No one wins when the M Virus spreads.  At least Iran has taken precautions.

hiroshima august 6 2010 Nothing happened on that date. But 65 years earlier, the place was smokin’!

ohn and lorena bobbit Looks like that dick got sliced again.

drunk irishman shit self We’ll agree that No Line On The Horizon wasn’t U2’s finest effort.

ramtha crazy; ramtha full of shit Well which is it?

grigori perelman god proof No one is God proof–not even that crazy bastard.

bulls goring mouth Bulls gore with their horns.  They bite with their mouths.  Now you know.

sad “richard simmons” Sad?  But we thought gay was a synonym for ‘happy’?

smoking marijuana wisely It can’t be done.  Have you seen how those people dress?

promathan times Wrong!

penis fact 1952 Fact: The penis wasn’t even invented until 1955.

real garlfield cat We’re sorry that it falls upon us to tell you this, but we think you should know that Garfield isn’t real.  That’s right, he’s a cartoon character.  Douche.

live aid Live Aid did a lot of good for a lot of people.  Also, Freddy Mercury was a beloved performer who helped to put a human face to AIDS.

justin bieber sexy You’ll recall that we wished ill upon the hairless hit factory.  For sexy JB, this is more your bag.

lazy bastards on unemployment Now you’re just trying to stir up trouble.

hippie elderly people Sadly it’s true: the Baby Boomers are retiring.  They look forward to travel, spending time with their grandchildren, and self-indulgently sucking dry the nation’s financial marrow.

do dread make your head big In some instances it do.  If you blond, it make your head stupid.

pictures of black actor died Haven’t we already been through this?

how many californians smoke marijuana Too many of them.

prerry herd Is that dirty?  It sounds dirty.

saudi punishment The punishment is that the senior class won’t have a dance this year.  And they’ll all be flogged.

michael steele douchebaggery It was incompetent boobery, actually.

guy fieri pirate With that hair, we can definitely see it.  Or do you mean like a buccaneer-type pirate?

great moments in american diplomacy Here, Here and Here.

bull cow smiling Don’t trust that hermaphroditic bovine.

july 14, 1789 a.d. paris It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  Feel free to start a novel with that line.

captain sullenberger wife beater Captain Sullenberger’s wife: backtalker.

author renounces catholicism And nobody noticed.

divorced happy photos We’re guessing you spend a great deal of time huddled in a corner, weeping.

commercials we hate olive garden That’s so weird–we hate those commercials, too!  Also Bush’s Original Baked Beans.

david arquette tats You’ll wish you hadn’t.  Sooner rather than later.

cast of mom and dad save the world It Features Jon Lovitz, Teri Garr, Kathy Ireland and the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard rendered into flesh and blood, Wallace Shawn.  Also this dangerous child molester.

mexican marijuana A lot like domestic marijuana except it works harder and costs less.

promethean times Right!

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm

By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking.  Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

promethean lawsuit Uh oh.

Facebook Is Looking For Promethean Times As We Speak. Share This!

Californians Wisely Rethinking Marijuana Legalization

29 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Health, Justice, National Events, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, African-Americans, cancer patients, cannabis, Cannabis Mafia, carnies, corporate douchebaggry, DARE, demon weed, dope, douchebaggery, Drugs Are Ruining Everything, drunken Irishmen, Fentanyl, fratboys, gateway drug, grass, hemp, hippies, Jack Daniels, Just Say No!, keep marijuana illegal, marijuana, marijuana legalization, medical marijuana, morphine, OxyContin, patchouli, pot, pot smokers, potheads, rectal cancer, reefer, seriously--hippies are odious, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, smoke, Snoop Dogg, stinky people, sweet sweet cheeba, teetotalers, weed, white people, Willie Nelson

By Smaktakula

You’ve got to hand it to the Cannabis Mafia–they almost pulled it off.  They came dangerously close to fooling enough of the electorate to transform California into a patchouli paradise. Fortunately, it appears Californians have seen through the smokescreen.

He's More Clever Than He Looks. But Just As Filthy.

The media has been assaulted by an all-out blitz of pro-hemp propaganda. Some of these efforts attempt to play on the sympathies of caring Californians, by confusing a drug issue with a medical one.  By reinforcing the notion that stoners who happen to have cancer and somehow think they deserve to possess a controlled substance “aren’t hurting anyone,” the pro-pot forces inch closer to their insidious goals.

Not hurting anybody? What about the cancer-ridden hemp-head?  It’s understandable that in a moment of pain so debilitating as to defy description, an individual might give in to the propaganda in a desperate effort to dull the ravaging effects of an insidious illness.

But at what cost?  In a random sampling of terminal cancer patients on hospice care who smoked marijuana, a Promethean Times survey found that a full 98% of these dying men and women were also using heavy painkillers like morphine, OxyContin and Fentanyl.  This revelation flies in the face of every skeptic who disputes the established fact that marijuana is a gateway drug; the link between weed and so-called “harder” drugs could not be more plain.

This publication is not alone in its crusade against marijuana legalization. Joining the fight are various church and school groups.  In particular, some African-American interest groups are vociferously against marijuana legalization, knowing all too well its dangers, as blacks are incarcerated  for marijuana offenses at a disproportionately higher rate than whites, despite consuming less of the stuff.*

The following facts about dope have been provided by the venerable anti-drug organization DARE (Drugs Are Ruining Everything):

1) People who smoke pot are 325% more likely to cannibalize children (their own or others) than people who do not smoke pot.

2) Children of parents who have smoked pot even once are almost TWICE as likely to grow up to be carnies than children of responsible parents.

3) Stoned drivers are 56% less likely than drunk drivers to survive being hit by a drunk driver.

4) Smoking pot virtually guarantees time wasted interacting with hippies.

5) Pot smoking is the sole cause for rectal cancer.

6) Hitler didn’t smoke pot.  But can you imagine how many people he would have killed if he did?

7) Smoking pot will make your eyes fall out.

Thanks To Soft-Hearted Do-Gooders, This Stoner Just Hit The Jackpot.

Legalization’s deleterious effects will be felt far beyond urban areas; it will also target some of America’s most important industries. Just as a glut of junk food edges out wholesome foods, so will marijuana legalization put the squeeze on America’s alcohol distributors and manufactures.

Many people will no doubt believe that the sacrifice of one supposed vice for another is a of little consequence.  But when one considers the ramifications of even the tiniest reduction in California’s alcohol intake, it readily becomes apparent that legalization will put the state on the fast track to disaster.

Less drinking will severely impact California’s liquor stores, as well as its many fine taverns. Again, these businesses may be written off as “dens of sin.” But what about insurance agents, car salesmen, funeral directors, condolence card company executives, EMTs and America’s dedicated doctors and nurses? Removing even one drunk driver from the road is another blow these hard-working professionals simply cannot endure.

Drunken Fratboys: The World Would Be A Sadder Place Without Their Merry Brand Of Self-Entitled Douchebaggery.

Consider the retail industry. Almost 40% of major retail purchases are made while drunk. It is laughable to assume that sober buyers would spend with the same abandon. It isn’t huge chain stores that’s killing local businesses, but rather teetotalers.

And what about fraternities? Will they still command the same mysterious allure if it’s known in advance that there will be no sweaty, half-naked vomit-bonding with the bros? Hardly.

There’s also the danger that marijuana legalization might spread beyond the borders of California, and perhaps the United States itself. Imagine if other countries lessened their alcohol consumption: without alcohol to keep the Irish quarrelsome and disorganized, the world would be up to its ass in shamrocks. Nobody wants that.

I'm Jack Daniels, And I Approved This Message.

* Interestingly, when country music star Willie Nelson is removed from the white sample, this trend reverses.  If rapper Snoop Dogg is then removed from the black sample, it returns to the expected ratio. ∞ T.

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

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