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Monthly Archives: June 2010

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

30 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, Relationships, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Airbus, Alfred Hitchcock, badassery, Birds of a Feather, Blame Canada!, Bush Doctrine, Canada, Canadian geese, Chesley Sullenberger, competence, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., four legs good, geese, hero pilot, heroism, La Guardia, New York, North Carolina, pro-avian agenda, suicide attack, Sully, Sully Sullenberger, Terrorism, The Birds, two legs bad, US Airways Flight 1549

By Smaktakula
Note:  This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead?  Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

At 3:27 PM on January 15th, 2009 a catastrophe was averted by inches.  Shortly after US Airways Flight 1549 took off from La Guardia International in New York en route to North Carolina’s Charlotte/Douglas,  several geese managed to bring down the Airbus A320 by flying simultaneously into both of the aircraft’s engines.

Levelheadedness and expertise were the only things standing between Flight 1549 and a cataclysmic, horrorshow ending in the steel canyons of New York City.  Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, aided by his ice-nerved co-pilot and well-trained crew, was able to wrestle the dying plane into the Hudson River.  Miraculously, all 155 humans on board Flight 1549 survived.

Chesley Sullenberger: His Fierce Badassery Helps Mitigate The Handicap Of Such A Gay Name.

It is fitting and proper that the focus of this incident remain on the lives saved in the face of such impossible odds.  However, that does not excuse turning a blind eye to the fact that several geese–for reasons yet unknown–took out a massive passenger plane with an intricately planned and precisely executed suicide attack that very nearly cost 155 innocent people their lives.  Yet no one is asking, “Why did this happen?”

The exact number of geese involved in taking down Flight 1549 has never been determined.  All the geese who participated in the attack are believed to have perished.  However, witnesses reported seeing a flock fleeing the scene in the seconds after the attack.  To date, not one of these geese has been apprehended.

There have been some troubling indications that a foreign power may be involved.  Almost all witnesses reported that both the attacking geese and those seen fleeing the scene were Canadian Geese.  The FAA claimed to have no knowledge of any scheduled flock along that air route.  The fact remains that several Canadian Geese were flying in American airspace, something no one disputes.  And yet you hear nothing about this from conventional media outlets, particularly those in areas sharing a border with our “friends” to the north.

There was a time when the beak-and-feather set had a healthy respect for humanity.  These birds of yesteryear would have to be content with expressing their displeasure through a well-timed bowel movement.  Their descendants are proving not nearly so patient.

That these birds can strike any plane at any time should terrify all of humanity.  That it does not is an indication of just how far the pro-avian media has pushed its “Birds of a Feather” campaign.  Recently, there have been attempts by several school districts to ban Alfred Hitchcock’s award-winning documentary, The Birds.

The Hollow-Boned Menace Laughs At Our Weakness

The air-travelling public is left with two choices.  The first, an initially more painful: a return to the Bush Doctrine with regards to America’s growing Avian-Aquatic Mammal-Shark problem, and hunt these beasts down where they hide–hunt them down like dogs! . . . dogs that fly or swim.

The second choice is to not make a choice at all.  To continue with feel-good featherist policies–to bury our heads in the sand, in the parlance of our avian enemy–is to sign our death warrant as a species.  As we speak the avian menace has the capacity to take out any aircraft–private, commercial or military–anywhere in the world.  Don’t think they won’t do it.

Kurt Cobain’s Spirit Exacts A Slow And Terrible Vengeance On Courtney Love

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Justice, Music, People, Poetry, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1990's, Anna Nicole Smith, awful musicians, Black Widow, cooze, Courtney Love, Dave Grohl, drug addiction, drugs, Frances Bean Cobain, Generation X, gold digger, grunge music, Hole, inebriate, Krist Novoselic, Kurt Cobain, Nirvana, OxyContin, Seattle scene, skankery, suicide, tiresome anachronism, untalented stars, wastrel, Yoko Ono

Courtney Love, Generation X’s heroin-slagged answer to Yoko Ono, is an oozing societal sore which refuses doggedly to heal.               

The most heinous of her crimes, of course, is being so loathsome that Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain found the taste of a shotgun preferable to the thought of spending even one more second listening to Love’s screeching voice.              

Included among the vast legion of people who consider Love an epic cooze is the talentless harpy’s own daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.  The younger Cobain prevailed upon the court recently to emancipate her from the chemical-crazy she-beast from whose cankerous loins she sprang.  The court mercifully agreed.               

Unfortunately for young Francis Bean, the trust fund left for her by her father’s estate won’t be as easy to emancipate.  Just as Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl already know, nobody clings with greater tenacity to the fruits of more talented labors than does Courtney Love.  Adding insult to injury, the trust fund has grown mysteriously lighter, to the tune of $8 Million.*               

Hey Pretty Lady, Was That Your Fine Ass I Saw Down At the SELL-UR-BLOOD The Other Day?

In a final irony, the ravages of an indiscreet lifestyle have transformed Courtney Love from a shapely, Anna Nicole Smith-wannabe into a virtual doppelgänger of Yoko Ono: a yellow, shriveled, screaming mess.               

This Would Be Funny If It Weren’t So . . . Hell, It IS Funny: Click Track – Courtney Love leads Hole through disastrous 9:30 club concert.               

*Sources close to this vapid skank estimate that $8 Million worth of OxyContin would keep Ms. Love high for the better part of two weeks.
Smaktakula

America’s Eliminated World Cup Squad Returns To An Indifferent Nation

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Games, Soccer, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Abe Vigoda is not dead, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Celebrity Death Watch, Ghana, it's not even a real country for God's sake, Soccer, United States Soccer, World Cup

By Smaktakula

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

The plucky young men of America’s national soccer team are expected to arrive home sometime within the next few days.  Although they were eliminated by soccer upstart Ghana in a 2-1 overtime loss, they will be remem . . .

Before I forget, though–did I tell you who I found out was still alive?  Abe Vigoda.

Yeah, I totally thought that, too, but no, he’s alive. 

Yeah, it is wild. 

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah–soccer’s done.

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: The Little Big Horn

28 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

7th Cavalry, Cheyenne, Custer's Last Stand, General George Armstrong Custer, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Holy Shit! Look at all those fucking Indians!, Indians, Lakota, Little Big Horn, Montana Territory, Native Americans, Sioux, Sitting Bull, that trick never works, The Battle of the Little Big Horn, The Indian Wars, unimproved red men, United States Army, United States of America, Wounded Knee Massacre, Yellow Hair

June 25, 1876: On Which The Sioux Are Made To Understand That Their Way Of Life Will No Longer Be Tolerated.
See you guys at Wounded Knee!  Be sure to bring the family.

Buzzkill Judge Ruins Awesome Saudi Kegger

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Human Rights, Islam, Middle East, People, Politics, Relationships, Religion, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

adult breast-feeding, Arrakis, backwater shithole, buzzkill, Footloose, Ha'il, intolerance, Islamic law, John Lithgow, lashing, Muhammad, mullahcracy, punishment, Saudi Arabia, Saudi clerics, Sharia law, town elders, wacky mullahs, Wahabi

A real-life version of the movie Footloose played out recently in Saudi Arabia.  Unlike the cinematic version, the Wahabi version did not end with the creaky town elders learning to loosen up and have a little fun once in a while.  Also, no glitter.         

Actually Much Cooler Than His Real-Life Counterpart.

In the backwater shithole of Ha’il,  fifteen men and women vowed to fight the antiseptic tedium of their earth-bound Arrakis in the only way they knew how: by throwing the biggest all-night rager in the history of the caliphate.            

Just as Lithgow & co. despised dancing, the mullahcracy took a dim view of the young Saudis’ bacchanalian revelry.  Scandalized by the thought of eleven unmarried men and four husbandless women mingling–mingling!– at a party, the town’s sense of propriety was badly bruised.  Fortunately, a judge soberly deliberated upon Islamic law, and levelled a sentence deemed appropriate by most voices in the community:              

A severe beating, followed by some contemplative time in a Saudi jail cell.           

It Pretty Much Happens Just Like This.

The court proved even more merciful on the fourth woman–a minor–who only received lashings.  A source close to the woman reported:            

“She thanks merciful God and His prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that for her great crimes, the wise mullahs sought only to beat her within an inch of her life.”             

It Was At About This Point That The Party Got Crazy.

Some human rights advocates have decried the Saudis’ punishment as unduly harsh.  While it may seem extreme by Western standards, can you imagine what would have happened if it were a human breast-milk party?            

Damn! Check Out That Hot Little Number On The Left.

Oh He Don’t Score At Bowl-O-Rama/Still You Gotta Thank His Mama: Saudi Arabia convicts 15 men, women for mingling at party – USATODAY.com.       

Smaktakula  

Tell The Town Elders At Facebook All About It

Put Down The Crisco, Jabba!

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Duh, Food, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Political Correctness

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

big fatso, Center for Science in Public Interest, customer of size, do-gooders, fat ass, fat people, Jabba the Hutt, McDonald's, nanny state, person of size, syphilitic monkeys, Two and a Half Men, Why am I so fat?

The Center for Science in Public Interest wants you to know that it’s okay that you’re too stupid to make nutrition choices on your own, either for yourself or your children.     

That’s why the CSPI is threatening to sue McDonald’s, the world’s most popular purveyor of food-flavored edible products, unless the fast-food giant stops including toys with its popular Happy Meals.     

Not Only Did McDonald's Make Him An Evil Mutant, But It May Also Have Contributed To His Little Weight Problem.

“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” CSPI’s litigation director, Stephen Gardner, said in a prepared statement. “It’s a creepy and predatory practice that warrants an injunction.”     

Countered a McDonald’s representative:     

“The toy is plastic, retard.  Zero calories.    

Y’know, if we really gave a fuck about the nation’s creme-filled arteries, we’d leave out the food.”     

It boils down to this:  You’re a syphilitic monkey too stupid to refuse poison if it’s presented to you in a nice bottle with a shiny bow.      

Don’t bother thinking about it.  Why don’t you watch some TV?  I think Two and a Half Men is on . . .     

I’ll Just Take My Fat Ass Somewhere Else: McDonald’s faces lawsuit over marketing to kids – Jun. 22, 2010.     

Smaktakula

Share With Facebook And I’ll Take You To Krispy Kreme

George Sherrill Is A Douche

24 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Crime, Games, General Foolishness, People, Sports

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

assclown, Baseball, douchebaggery, George Sherrill, liability, Los Angeles Dodgers, loser, relief pitcher, that shitty beard too!, The Brim Reaper

You might not know who this guy is . . .

And The Fact That You Have Two First Names--One Of 'Em Girly--Has Not Escaped Our Notice.

. . . but you’re gonna have to trust us.  This guy sweats douchebaggery from his pores.

People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier

24 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Cults, Culture, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, People

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

72 black-eyed virgins, batshit crazy, Brahma, clairvoyance, copper, cultists, eruption, Immaculate Conception, JZ Knight, Lemuria, lizard men, metahuman abilities, Mt. Rainier, psychokinesis, Ramtha, Ramtha's School of Enlightenment, Ramthafarians, telepathy, Vishnu, volcanic activity, wacky religions, Washington State, Yelm

By Smaktakula

Religions have long been in the business of promulgating wacky theories: the Immaculate Conception, Lord Brahma’s birth from a lotus flower grown from Vishnu’s navel, the prospect of 72 black-eyed virgins upon martyrdom.  But some religions, unwilling to be lumped in with the merely slightly bizarre rank-and-file, go the extra mile to prove they’re just a little bit crazier than the rest.  The Ramtha Cult is one of these.        

JZ Knight founded Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment in Yelm, Washington back in 1987.  Knight is lucky enough to be the host of Ramtha, a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior.        

A Howler Monkey + The Joker = JZ Knight

Knight conducts Ramtha workshops all over the world, and the church currently boasts a membership of more than 6,000 cultists.  This brain-trust believes that with Ramtha’s teachings, they will some day be able to develop fantastic super-powers such as telepathy, clairvoyance and psychokinesis, as well as other improbable metahuman abilities.        

Thinks: "Wicca Is An Equally Ridiculous, But Slightly Less Expensive Waste Of Time."

However, the Ramtha Cult is hardly the first pseudo-church to promise fantastic abilities to the most rigorous adherents.  What catapults the Ramthafarians into stratospheric-level crazy is the Sinister Secret of Mt. Rainier.        

This terrible piece of lore was lost for thousands of years, but was recovered through the valiant efforts of Ramtha, Knight and their legion of cultists.  Thanks to the lightning-fast exchange of data in the information era, this knowledge can at last be made public.        

An evil and ancient race of lizard men dwells in the dark and secret places under the earth.  These foul, carnage-driven demons would love nothing more than to go medieval on the human race.  For millenia, they have been trapped in their dark environs, festering with unconsummated rage against humanity, of which generations rose and fell, ignorant of the threat beneath their feet.        

However, Ramtha, through his prophet JZ Knight has revealed that on an unspecified but very near date, Rainier will erupt with an heretofore unknown fury, laying waste to much of the surrounding areas.  Those who die quickly will be the lucky ones.  The rest of humanity will fall victim to the lizard men’s rapine abuses.        

Yelm lies in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, and thus on the first line of defense against the reptilian onslaught.  Ramthafarians have prepared for this eventuality, however, and have lined their homes with the one substance which can drive away or conquer the ravening lizard-beasts: copper.        

Copper. Really? That's The Best You Could Come Up With?

   

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Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Games, Human Rights, International Relations, Justice, People, Politics, Relationships, Soccer, Sports, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ass-whupping, Brazil, comical despots, Dear Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, North Korea, Portugal, Pyongyang, Soccer, Supreme Leader, World Cup

By Smaktakula

Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup.  The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.          

This Man's Poor Performance Not Only Shames His Nation, But Also Costs His Daughter Her Thumbs

Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:          

The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results.  Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.          

He continued:          

Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off.  Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.          

Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.          

The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome.  Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.          

"When You Great Athretes Get Home, I Got Rearry Big Surprise For You. I Think You Rearry Gonna Rove It!"

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The Canonical Pauly Shore

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Andy Dick, Baldwin Brothers Not Named Alec, Bio-Dome, Brendan Fraser, canon, Casper Meets Wendy, cinema, Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, cultural relics, David Alan Grier, dude's initials are PMS, Encino Man, Esai Morales, Fel-Dog, Haimster, highly-annoying people, In The Army Now, Jerry Lewis, Jury Duty, Lori Petty, madcap buffoon, Movies, Paul Montgomery Shore, Pauly Shore, Pauly Shore Is Dead, Phantom of the Mall, pop culture, Samwise Gamgee, Son-In-Law, The Wash, tiresome anachronism, Two Coreys, unfunny comedians, untalented stars, Vin Diesel, zany antics

By Smaktakula

Paul Montgomery Shore, better known as Pauly, came along at a time when America needed him most.  In the early to mid 1990’s, this twitchy, bedraggled gypsy fit neatly into the pop culture void created by the absence  of the two Coreys, but which had yet to be filled by the testosterone-fueled fury of Vin Diesel.

Pauly Shore’s movies are beloved by millions of cinema devotees.  Not unlike tiresome anachronism Jerry Lewis, this madcap buffoon’s zany antics speak to the child inside all of us.

However, there is a long running debate among Pauly Shore scholars as to which of the comedian’s many cinematic appearances can be considered true “Pauly Shore” movies, as opposed to movies where the actor merely graces the screen with his presence.

To Our Younger Readers: For The Briefest of Moments In The 20th Century, This Was Considered Cool

Pauly Shore scholarship is still a relatively new discipline, not yet in its second full decade.  As such, academics have yet to reach a consensus as to which films are canon, and which are not.  Most experts agree on the following 5 criteria:

1) Pauly Shore must be the star of the film, and have most of the dialogue.

2) Top-billed co-stars, if any, may be neither a) better-known than Pauly Shore, or b) more talented.

3) Pauly Shore portrays a loveable misfit/fish-out-of-water, thrust in a situation completely alien to his funky-fresh Southern California lifestyle.

4) Pauly Shore must be initially reviled by the other principal characters, often including the love interest.  However, through the course of the film, they will come to see that while Pauly Shore’s character may be unconventional, everybody benefits by adopting his grating mannerisms and attitude.

5) Pauly Shore must learn something.

While deciding which films to include among the canon can be a difficult task, determining which films should not is ridiculously simple.   While Phantom of the Mall, Casper Meets Wendy and The Wash all feature irritating performances by Pauly Shore, none of those films meet the basic standards defined above.

Recently, an article in the PMS Scholar attempted the daunting task of determining a Pauly Shore canon.  The article, which posited six canonical films was well-received and widely read.

Heretical though our beliefs may be considered in some quarters, Promethean Times recognizes only four films as official canon.  They are:

Son-In-Law: The first of the “true” Pauly films.

In The Army Now: Actual actors Esai Morales and David Alan Grier are forced to give top billing to Shore, habitual sex-offender Andy “Hey Wanna Touch My” Dick and hideous tomboy Lori Petty.

Jury Duty: The nadir of the canon.  Pauly Shore’s deservedly forgotten film.

Bio-Dome: A triumphant return to form, featuring horse-like gay icon Kyle Minogue, a Baldwin (non-Alec), and a brief appearance by inexplicably beloved fake band Tenacious D.

Although the PMS Scholar considers the following two films to be canon, Promethean Times does not.

Encino Man: The film that introduced the world at large to Pauly Shore.  For that alone it deserves recognition.  However, it does not qualify for the canon.  Although Pauly Shore steals the movie with weaselly gusto, both Brendan Fraser and Samwise Gamgee have larger roles.

Pauly Shore Is Dead: The anti-Pauly Shore movie, directed by Shore himself.  Cannot be included in the canon due to the heightened degree of awareness Shore has by this time that for most humans, his personality is the equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard.

I feel dirty.

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