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Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Daily Archives: August 31, 2011

Get To Know Promethean Times

31 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News

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Arturo the Pool Boy, Cameroon, discrimination, equal opportunity offender, integrity, Jack T. Chick, John Edwards, misanthropy, missing the point, Promethean Times, reacharound, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, short people, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Tardsie The Backpack, Why am I so stupid?

We're Awfully Fond Of Ourselves. But You Already Knew That.

Some things you should probably know before reading Promethean Times:

*

We take ourselves every bit as seriously as you do.

If it’s not funny, that means you didn’t get it.

Readers who miss the point are invited–encouraged even–to comment anyway.

We do not discriminate against any culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, occupation, age group or gender.  We hold all God’s children in equal contempt.

Tardsie is both Promethean Times’ Editor-In-Chief and a Special Olympics backpack.  It’s probably best you get your head around that now.

Just A Backpack? Just Try To Name One Other Backpack Who's Treated A Formerly Bankable Star To A Reacharound. You Can't Do It.

Our commitment to bettering society is surpassed only by our unflagging hypocrisy.

If you get the joke but don’t find it funny, you’re still not getting it.

Journalistic integrity is such an entrenched facet of Promethean Times’ organizational culture that there’s no reason whatsoever to ever check our facts.  Seriously, don’t.

We mock short people because secretly, we’re afraid we might someday be afflicted with shortness.

Smaktakula maintains one of the largest private collections of Jack T. Chick tracts in the world, including several rare and out-of-print tracts.  He is personally responsible for convincing Chick Publications to re-release the delightful Dark Dungeons.

You're Welcome.

We use swear words to compensate for a meager vocabulary and a dearth of real insight.  Your third-grade teacher was right about that.

Whenever possible, we avoid sweeping generalizations and irresponsible characterizations, which can upset more sensitive groups.  This is particularly true regarding the people of Cameroon, who have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Just understand that ‘which’ and ‘that’ will always be our grammatical  Achilles’ heels.

Copy editor Arturo the Pool Boy is actually 24 years old.  The reason for his youthful appearance is Tardsie’s insistence that Arturo regularly use a depilatory ointment to ensure that his slender body remains at all times “baby-ass smoove.”

If you say, “No, I get it.  You’re employing a deceptive cocktail of verbal flimflammery peppered with vulgarity to lampoon society’s ills without ever once bothering to offer a solution.  That, and it just isn’t all that clever,” then you have no soul.

We’re not trying to offend you, but we don’t care if we do.

We’re cavalierly insincere and glibly deceitful, but only because we love you so very much.

We're A Lot Like This Guy, Only Twice As Pretty.

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The Best Of Times

  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile
  • Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said To Have Proved The Existence Of God
  • Commercials We Do Not Like: A1 Steak Sauce
  • Death By Airplane vs. Death By Car
  • CNN Can Think Of Only One Reason For America's Ambivalence Toward Soccer
  • Genitals Of Jersey Shore Cast Declared 'Herpes Nest'
  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 6 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 6 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 6 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 7 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 7 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

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