It must come as a sobering realization that your life’s purpose is to outfit yourself like a junior college backup mascot.
bloated floater, blueberry Thai, Brown Trout!, cannabis, death by drowning, Deliverance, dope, Fall River, grass, hemp, lifeguards, Marie Joseph, marijuana, Massachusetts, police, pot, Sean Connery, stoners, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth
There is something uniquely cathartic in the stories of those knuckle-dragging subhumans whose idiocy staggers belief, allowing us to bask in the knowledge that no matter how wretched we are or bereft entirely of common sense, there’s someone out there who makes us look like geniuses. For the insecure morons of the world, the news just gets better–there’s a whole town out there way stupider than you. Welcome to Fall River, Massachusetts.
It was tragic, but hardly unusual when 36-year-old Marie Joseph drowned last week at a Fall River community pool; drowning deaths claim a jillion lives each year. However, what sets the mouth-breathing folk of Fall River from rank-and-file morons is the manner in which they dealt with this unpleasant situation.
They didn’t. Joseph’s corpse floated unnoticed in the punishing summer sun for a full two days until someone realized that 48 hours is a hell of a long time to hold your breath. It’s unclear why Joseph’s death was not reported by the group with whom she came to the pool, but police caution against a rush to judgement of any kind, admitting that the people of Fall River are drooling lackwits who make the hillbillies from Deliverance seem like the 1960s Sean Connery by comparison, and that it may be some time before answers are forthcoming.
Still, the public should draw confidence from this ghastly event rather than worry. While it’s certainly astounding that this collection of intellectual houseplants managed to ignore a water-bloated floater for a couple days, it certainly makes the stoned lifeguards at your own community pool seem that much more competent.
Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible. As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers. For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.
Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings. At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium. In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria. It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.
However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.” Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast. In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.
Celebrity Death Watch, credulity, dead celebrities, Elvis > Michael Jackson, Elvis Aaron Presley, former child stars, future drug overdose, Jim Morrison, King of Pop, Kurt Cobain, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jackson, pederasts, pervertry, perverts, skepticism
The line between healthy skepticism and credulity is razor-thin. Sorry, kids–Michael Jackson is dead.
Jim Morrison? Dead.
Kurt Cobain? Dead.
Lindsay Lohan? Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick . . .
'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', choking the chicken, devil's handshake, Dixieland Jazz, Emil Haagerdäddi, flogging the dolphin, Genesis, God, Hurricane Katrina, jerking off, masturbation, Onan, onanism, porn, pr0n, San Francisco, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, self-immolation, Sunday school, the Almighty
Smaktakula’s long-ago Sunday school teacher was on to something–masturbation is a quick road to ruin. A San Francisco man is fighting for his life after discovering the heartbreaking realities of the devil’s handshake.
The unidentified man apparently burst into flames while pleasuring himself at a local porn shop. Details remain sketchy at this date, and authorities have yet to determine what precisely transformed the lonely degenerate into a human sparkler. Two prominent theories have risen to the fore.
The first is based firmly in physics. A sufficiently vigorous session of self-abuse, explains masturbation scientist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Reuben Spahnk Institute, could theoretically generate a heat sufficient to set human flesh ablaze. Others call this notion absurd, pointing out that were such a phenomenon possible, most males would not survive beyond their junior high school years.
A far more likely culprit in the immolation is a wrathful God, Who has long held a position unfriendly to masturbation. This anti-whacking injunction stretches all the way back to the 38th book of Genesis, where rather than impregnate his brother’s widow, a fellow named Onan takes matters into his own hands and “spills his seed upon the ground,” only to be struck dead by a decidedly unamused Deity. To bolster their evidence, proponents of this theory claim that God has gained something of a reputation in recent years for an increasing activism, pointing to earlier incidents of vengeance such as the August 2005 episode which is widely believed to have resulted from the Almighty’s dissatisfaction with the current state of Dixieland Jazz.
'Lil Kim, 2018, competitive eating, football, Golf, happiness, impoverished third-world backwater, impoverished third-world hellhole, incredible sporting achievements, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, Olympics, places that suck, Soccer, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, Westchester County, Yemen
You have to admire those plucky North Koreans. Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.
North Korea has achieved this interior disconnect by building upon an incremental foundation of self-deception. Recently this manifested itself in a self-scored second place in a worldwide happiness ranking. Emboldened by their program of denial, the North Koreans have now expressed interest in piggybacking onto South Korea’s 2018 Olympic bid. Unsurprisingly, South Korean reception to this notion has been tepid at best.
Sport has taken on a greater emphasis under the comically despotic reign of Kim Jong-il than it did under his father, Kim Il-sung. ‘Lil Kim is an accomplished athlete, numbering among his many athletic accomplishments an amazing eleven holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.
Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics. Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.
ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII
Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.
Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.
36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last. I wish I were dead.”
Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.
Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.
Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.
Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.
Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.
Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!
Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.
Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’ ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”
Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!
MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal piss.
What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.
Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?” *** “How do you think? Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you. God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”
Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
On which the Devil manifests as a rodent and brings his unholy kingdom to earth.
beaver, Catherine Kieu Becker, childish sexual innuendo, domestic abuse, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, mutilation, penis, porn, porn oddity, severed penis, sex crimes, shredded beef, tallywhacker snatchers
Lop-dicked loser John Wayne Bobbitt can thank his lucky stars that his wife wasn’t as smart–or as ruthless– as Garden Grove California’s Catherine Kieu Becker. Bobbitt, it will be remembered, was such an abusive asshole that his wife Lorena sliced off his penis and threw it in a field. After hours of surgery, the dick’s dick was reattached, and he went on to have a minor career as a porn oddity.
But Becker was no amateur; she ensured that her estranged husband would rue forever the day he incurred her wrath. Like Bobbitt, Becker sliced off her husband’s penis, using a ten-inch knife. But rather than just leave the severed pecker somewhere it might possibly be found and reattached, Becker ran her husband’s manhood through the garbage disposal before calling 911.
Although several penis-chunks were recovered, doctors were unable to reattach the ruined Johnson. It is hoped that Becker’s husband will be made whole again when medical science advances to such a degree that a few grams of shredded beef can be restored to its former condition as a fully-functional sexual organ.