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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: short people

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

Worst. Party. Ever.

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

dope, douchebaggery, hemp, homosexuality, house party, marijuana, short people, sweet sweet cheeba, Tacoma, tolerance, Washington, weed

By Tardsie

In which are discussed tolerance, theft and weed abatement.

Of course this post is not safe for work. It contains lots of salty language and one particularly offensive word (not used gratuitously).

Enjoy!

More Things We Believe

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

bad parents, Batman, Ben Affleck, censorship, critical thought, cryptids, El Chupacabra, Fox news, Franz Ferdinand, Mexican goat-sucker, MSNBC, short people, shortness as proof of God's wrath, these things we believe, unremitting virginity

By Tardsie

We Don’t Believe In The Chupacabra, Mexico’s Infamous Goat-Sucking Cryptid, But We Kinda Wish We Did. It’s Hella Cool.

***

If you find yourself in agreement with your political party more than 90% of the time, we believe that your unwillingness to engage in critical thought should preclude you from talking about politics except with similarly myopic partisans. If we need your opinion, we’ll get it from Fox News or MSNBC.

There’s A Real Good Chance That At Least One Of These Guys Will Tell You Exactly What You Want To Hear.

***

We don’t think a dude should marry a gal just because he gets her pregnant. However, we believe that decorum dictates he subsequently refrain from knocking anyone else up or marrying them for a period of not less than twelve months.

‘Cause It Starts To Get Expensive Pretty Quickly.

***

If your stars are aligned so perfectly that your biggest complaint is the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman, then we believe yours is truly a charmed existence.

Are You Sure You’re Angry Because He’s Playing Batman? Or Is It Because Ben Has Known The Joy Of A Woman’s Touch, While You Are Mired In Your Ongoing But Unsuccessful Thirty-Five Year Battle With Virginity? Just Checking.

***

My 5-year-old boys like the song Evil Eye by Franz Ferdinand. The other day we were watching a televised performance of the song when one of my boys asked me why the sound went out briefly. I explained that there was an adult word in the song, “shit,” and that the boys shouldn’t use it. They had listened to the song dozens of times, but hadn’t heard the word until it was bleeped. The purity police didn’t bleep the word “bastard,” so my kids still don’t know THAT’s in there.

We believe that censors too often bring attention to that which they seek to hide.

***

We believe that short people should be treated with kindness. After what God did to them, it’s really the least you can do.

Buck Up, Runty! The World Will Always Need Jockeys.

***

We Believe All Kinds Of Stuff!

These Things We Believe, Part The First

These Things We Believe II: Don’t Stop Believing!

Emmanuel Lewis: The Antigary

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

adorable, African-Americans, Antigary, baby bunnies, Brooke Shields, Clark Atlanta University, death by gun, death by hooker, Diff'rent Strokes, diminutive skonks, Emmanuel is the Antigary, Emmanuel Lewis, evil alternate universe, famous short people, former child stars, Gary Coleman, karate, King of Pop, Lolcats, man-whores, Michael Jackson, shitty TV shows, short people, skonks, small black actor, The Biggest 40 Inches in Hollywood, TV, Utah, Webster, Whatchootalkinboutwillis?

By Smaktakula

Emmanuel’s Ambidexterity Keeps Her Smiling.

Diminutive former child stars Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman are often mentioned in the same sentence. At first glance, the similarities seem obvious: both were stunted African-American Eighties sitcom stars prized for their cuteness. And when their respective TV shows were cancelled, the two men faded from the public consciousness.  But the similarities end there.

Don’t Feel Sorry For Him; Emmanuel Can Take Care Of Himself. He’s Only Here To Hook Up With Brooke.

Coleman’s sad fate has been well documented, not least by this publication. After Diff’rent Strokes faded away, Gary struggled, both financially and personally. Gone from him were any traces of the beguiling cuteness which in 1978 seemed so limitless. He was a surly, unwilling TV presence, seemingly at odds with his Whatchootalkinbout past, but cognizant that nostalgic catchphrases were his sole remaining tether to show business. After a number of pitiable episodes which were captured on video, Coleman found himself in a sexless marriage with a known cooze. His sad, short story came to an end last year.  God’s final joke on Coleman, having previously left him dwarfish, broke and virginal, was to let him die in Utah.

“It’s Not Fair. I’m Taller, Have A Sexier Voice And Made Way More Money. I’ll Bet You Can’t Name Even One ‘Webster’ Catchphrase. Well? You Can’t, Can You?”

Lewis, on the other hand, not only remains alive, but seems to have a life worth living. The adorable little fellow, who at 4’3″ is almost a half-foot shorter than was Coleman, has retained much of his former cuteness, still ranking consistently between ‘Lolcat’ and ‘Baby Bunny‘ on the Universal Cuteness Scale. Nor does it appear that the little skonk has any compunctions about using his former celebrity in the pursuit of nooky. He has no doubt already staved off the virginity which haunted Coleman throughout his loveless life.  Lewis, an aficionado of karate, has taken various steps to improve himself. In 1997 the randy runt earned a degree from Clark Atlanta University.

Beware, Ladies! Lewis Is In Complete Control Of His Hyper-Adorableness. He Uses It Like A Weapon.

And yet, despite the differences between these tiny icons, it is not by accident that the pair is so often associated with one another. The most popular theory to explain this is that Lewis, for whom records date back only as far as 1971, is actually Gary Coleman from a parallel plane. The evidence for this is circumstantial, but compelling. Where Coleman was dissatisfied, sullen and virginal. the former Webster is a charming, happy little man-whore.

She Came With Michael, But Emmanuel Took Her Home.

Whether Emmanuel Lewis is actually Gary Coleman from an evil alternate universe or, however unlikely, the two are actually different individuals with no relationship between them, there can be no mistaking the very different roles they play in society and within their own lives. Lewis is the Antigary–he may yet die young, but you can bet it will be a demise worthy of the man once called “The Biggest 40 Inches In Hollywood,”  possibly involving a hooker and a handgun.

“That’s What I’m Talkin’ ‘Bout, Bitch.”

SEE EMMANUEL FLIRT WITH A CHUNKY REPORTER!

SEE EMMANUEL DANCE IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH THE KING OF POP!

SEE WHY EMMANUEL IS AN INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR!

SEE WHAT JEALOUS GARY COLEMAN HAD TO SAY ABOUT EMMANUEL’S ADORING LEGIONS OF FANS!

Headlines 03.06.12

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue

By Smaktakula

Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.

In which we opine upon the headlines of the day without first reading the articles.

***

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.

Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.

Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?

Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!

So Very Brave.

“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’

Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!

Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.

O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?

Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.

San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.

Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.

TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.

Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!

Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!

I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.

***

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII
  • Headlines XIII

Get To Know Promethean Times

31 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Arturo the Pool Boy, Cameroon, discrimination, equal opportunity offender, integrity, Jack T. Chick, John Edwards, misanthropy, missing the point, Promethean Times, reacharound, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, short people, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Tardsie The Backpack, Why am I so stupid?

We're Awfully Fond Of Ourselves. But You Already Knew That.

Some things you should probably know before reading Promethean Times:

*

We take ourselves every bit as seriously as you do.

If it’s not funny, that means you didn’t get it.

Readers who miss the point are invited–encouraged even–to comment anyway.

We do not discriminate against any culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, occupation, age group or gender.  We hold all God’s children in equal contempt.

Tardsie is both Promethean Times’ Editor-In-Chief and a Special Olympics backpack.  It’s probably best you get your head around that now.

Just A Backpack? Just Try To Name One Other Backpack Who's Treated A Formerly Bankable Star To A Reacharound. You Can't Do It.

Our commitment to bettering society is surpassed only by our unflagging hypocrisy.

If you get the joke but don’t find it funny, you’re still not getting it.

Journalistic integrity is such an entrenched facet of Promethean Times’ organizational culture that there’s no reason whatsoever to ever check our facts.  Seriously, don’t.

We mock short people because secretly, we’re afraid we might someday be afflicted with shortness.

Smaktakula maintains one of the largest private collections of Jack T. Chick tracts in the world, including several rare and out-of-print tracts.  He is personally responsible for convincing Chick Publications to re-release the delightful Dark Dungeons.

You're Welcome.

We use swear words to compensate for a meager vocabulary and a dearth of real insight.  Your third-grade teacher was right about that.

Whenever possible, we avoid sweeping generalizations and irresponsible characterizations, which can upset more sensitive groups.  This is particularly true regarding the people of Cameroon, who have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Just understand that ‘which’ and ‘that’ will always be our grammatical  Achilles’ heels.

Copy editor Arturo the Pool Boy is actually 24 years old.  The reason for his youthful appearance is Tardsie’s insistence that Arturo regularly use a depilatory ointment to ensure that his slender body remains at all times “baby-ass smoove.”

If you say, “No, I get it.  You’re employing a deceptive cocktail of verbal flimflammery peppered with vulgarity to lampoon society’s ills without ever once bothering to offer a solution.  That, and it just isn’t all that clever,” then you have no soul.

We’re not trying to offend you, but we don’t care if we do.

We’re cavalierly insincere and glibly deceitful, but only because we love you so very much.

We're A Lot Like This Guy, Only Twice As Pretty.

Frank McCourt: The Omegadouche

07 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Sport

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Baseball, Brooklyn Dodgers, Canadians don't play baseball, carpetbaggers, Delino DeShields, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, MLB, Montreal Expos, Omegadouche, Pedro Martinez, short people, short people are plain evil!, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, worst trade ever

By Smaktakula

110% Evil.

Carpetbagging Bostonian Frank McCourt likes to live large.  Despite his complete lack of merit or any trace of human decency, the most recent owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers has managed to achieve superlativeness in at least one regard: very few individuals in the long and storied history of sporting douchebaggery have managed in such a short time to equal his astounding advancements in the field.

The improvident runt has brought financial ruin upon the Dodgers, universally regarded as the greatest franchise in the history of baseball, and perhaps in all of sport.  Making matters worse, his actions have almost certainly precipitated the team’s takeover by Major League Baseball, casting a century-old Los Angeles tradition* into the same Losers’ Club as the likes of the Montreal Expos.

To Better Understand The Comparison, Imagine That Your Bottled Water Was Secretly Replaced With Berry-Flavored Goat Piss.

Already ignominiously linked to the now-defunct Expos through one of the worst trades in franchise history, which occurred before McCourt’s  arrival on the scene, the Dodgers have now replaced them as the MLB’s poor relation.  For that, among so many heinous crimes, Frank McCourt is truly Lord of the Douches.

Delino DeShields Ended Up Being Pretty Good Too.

* Our readers are no doubt familiar with the revisionist historical claims of the so-called ‘Brooklyn School.’  That these spurious allegations are commonly accepted is bad enough; we will not dignify them further here.  ∞ T.

Get To Know Frank McCourt

31 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Angela's Ashes, Baseball, cock-knockers, comical despots, Dodger Blue, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, outright lies, pure evil, short people, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the other Frank McCourt, treachery

By Smaktakula

"I Totally Bleed Dodger Blue. It IS Blue, Right? Their Color, I Mean."

To the myriad awful things you already knew about loathsome Dodgers owner Frank McCourt–the greed, the douchiness, the being short– let us add one more:

Frank McCourt eats babies.

The Monster Boasts In Print: Frank's First Victim Was A Young Girl Named Angela O'Roarke.

Tall People Finally Taking It To The Short

15 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Australia, bullies, Bully Beat Down, Bullygate, bullying, Casey Haynes, short people, short people are plain evil!, Smaktakula's distrust of short people

By Smaktakula

God bless you, Casey Haynes!

Putting Short People In Their Place: It Takes A Big Man To Do A Big Job.

What little problem will he solve next? ∞T.

Malcolm In The Middle Of A Domestic Dispute

02 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Agent Cody Banks, Corey Feldman, Edgar Jimenez Lugo, El Ponchis, Elycia Turnbow, Fel-Dog, former child stars, Frankie Muniz, Frankie Muniz Racing, Malcolm in the Middle, short people, Tötyl Hömö, You Hang Up

By Smaktakula

How Did He...? Wait--So You...? And You're Not, Like, Being Held Against Your Will Or Anything? No? Wow. So You're Not Blind? Not "Special" Or Taking Any Medication Which Might Impair Your Judgement? Really. You're POSITIVE You're Not Being Held Against Your Will? 'Cause, You've Taken A Real Good Look At Him, Right?

Frankie Muniz, best known for playing the titular characters in Malcolm in the Middle and Agent Cody Banks, is many things: actor, race car driver, rocker.  Sadly, it appears that “mentally stable person” is not among the Renaissance man’s retinue of roles.

Recently, the elfin entertainer had a spat with his girlfriend, Elycia Turnbow, over previous relationships.  Although more specific details are not available, it can be irresponsibly conjectured on the basis of no evidence whatsoever that the overachieving Muniz felt emasculated by Turnbow’s previous boyfriend, Edgar “El Ponchis” Lugo.

At one point in the altercation, a dejected Muniz held a loaded gun to his own head.  To the relief of the dozen or so people still holding out hope for Cody Banks 3: Octopuberty, he didn’t pull the trigger.

We Don't Judge A Man By His Hairline. Okay, We Do.

Bonus: We’ve included a live performance of Frankie’s band, You Hang Up.* However, it’s best that you first cleanse your mental palate with the following video of Corey Feldman making an ass of himself.   Compared to that, the boys’ little show on the City Walk looks like U2 at Red Rocks.

* Tötyl Hömö was already taken. ∞T.

 

The Fel-Dog Makes Time Crawl:
Frankie Goes To Universal City:
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