Tags
Asbury Park, Bayonne, Bruce Springsteen, Camden, Celebrity Death Watch, false predictions, famous for nothing, Garden State, Jason Alexander, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Jon Bon Jovi, New Jersey, places that suck, Richie Sambora, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Snooki, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Woodrow Wilson
By Smaktakula
Glad To See You Made It, Jon. But If It Looks Like Jersey, It's At Best Purgatory.
Residents of the Garden State are resting a little easier with the knowledge that beloved New Jersey music icon Jon Bon Jovi is not dead, as was earlier reported. The erroneous reports of the singer’s death were greeted by the gnashing of teeth and tearing of garments from Bayonne to Camden. After Asbury Park native Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi is New Jersey’s most universally popular figure.
"He's Not Dead!" Says Shannon Fitzgerald, Longtime Bon Jovi Stalker, "And I'll Kill Anyone Who Says He Is!"
While Promethean Times shares the public’s relief at the news of Bon Jovi’s continued existence, the false rumors of his demise invite interesting speculation. Given that the majority of celebrities associated with New Jersey are cartoonish parodies of the state’s lowest and most venal stereotypes (the accuracy of these depictions notwithstanding), is there anyone else from New Jersey who might deserve death in Bon Jovi’s stead?
We proudly present the following options:
Jason Alexander: Irritating, Bald And Short, But Apparently Going Away On His Own.
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Snooki: Oversexed Orange Wishnik Troll And Herpes' Answer To Typhoid Mary.
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Joe Piscopo: WHO?
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Woodrow Wilson: Snooty Academic. League Of Nations Enthusiast. Reneged On Promise To Keep US Out Of WWI, And Failed To Make The World Safe For Democracy. Already Dead.
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Joe Pesci: Like Alexander, Pesci Is Short And Irritating, But Has Better Hair And Has Appeared In A Funny Movie As Recently As The Clinton Administration.
However, after hundreds of hours sorting through viable candidates, contrasting their various crimes against humanity as well as mitigating factors, we’ve determined the New Jersey celebrity most in need of death:
Richie Sambora: There Can Be Only One.
