Monthly Archives: November 2011

Prophet’s Stint As Guest-Editor Of Humor Magazine Surprisingly Unfunny

30 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Religion

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By Smaktakula

Arrogant, You Knew. Dirty, You Knew. But Bravely Committed To The Ideals Of Free Speech?

It sounded like a great idea: invite Islam’s premier prophet to guest edit a French humor magazine.  The editors of French Satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo had long sought to entice the Prophet Mohammed to bring his singular wit and warm sense of humor to their magazine.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors were ecstatic when Mohammed agreed to a guest editorship, but what no one could have expected was that things would quickly turn deadly.

What's Everybody Getting So Upset About? It Looks Like A Penis In A Chef's Cap. . .Oh, God--Please Don't Kill Us.

Although impossible to foresee, the Prophet’s selection proved controversial.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors expressed surprise at the outrage, claiming that Mohammed’s selection was to celebrate the victory in Tunisia by an Islamist party during the so-called ‘Arab Spring.’  Further, in a move the magazine staff was sure would delight Muslims worldwide, they decided to honor the Prophet on their cover, depicting him in cartoon saying, ‘100 lashes if you’re not dying of laughter.’

This Disturbing Image Is Insensitive To Muslims! Not That It Matters, But We Suppose It's Also Offensive To Satanic Crusaders And Filthy Jews.

Surprisingly, the Islamic community was not entirely amused.  Although known for being an easy-going and tolerant religion, some Islamists reacted to the Prophet’s guest-editor stint with uncharacteristic rage.  Charlie Hebdo received a number of threats on various social networking sites, but no one took seriously the notion that an adherent of Islam would commit violence in the name of Allah.

If You Want To Mock Christian Figures--Including Their God, Knock Yourself Out--The Worst You Need Fear Is A Stern Talking-To.

Amazingly, that’s just what happened.  Charlie Hebdo‘s Paris offices were destroyed by a petrol bomb.  Even now, weeks later, a stunned world is still trying to make sense of this.  Some so-called ‘experts’ have opined that the violence was the work of radical Muslims, who are sometimes known to be touchy about depictions of the Prophet.  Promethean Times disagrees.  Whoever the vandals are, they’re more likely to be angry Christians or Jews.  If there’s one thing we know about Muslims, it’s that they can take a joke.

"I Don't Get It."

This Day In Alternate History: Casey Anthony Killed In Prison

29 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, History

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By Smaktakula

She's The Only One Shedding Tears.

Lowell Correctional Institute, Florida: The news of Casey Anthony’s death has been met with worldwide jubilation.  This morning, guards found the 25-year-old murderess lying unconscious in the showers, face down in a rapidly spreading pool of her own blood.  She was later pronounced dead at the prison infirmary.

Anthony was convicted by a Florida court earlier this year for killing her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee Marie Anthony, and was serving the first of eight consecutive life sentences.  Anthony’s crimes were thought especially heinous due to her complete lack of remorse.  The young skank continued her hedonistic partygirl lifestyle long after dumping her daughter’s lifeless body into a shallow grave and then forgetting she ever existed.

Somber Crowds React To The News Of The Murderess' Death.

Investigators have recovered what they believe is the weapon used to murder Anthony, a crude shiv fashioned from a Hello Kitty barrette.  She was stabbed at least 37 times.

Prison officials say they have identified a suspect in the killing.  The accused killer, Joanna “Larry” Belkins, is serving a fifteen-year sentence for armed robbery, and has been placed into solitary confinement while authorities conduct their investigation.

The As-Yet-Unpunished Killer.

Prison representatives contend that their primary focus is swift justice for Casey Anthony.  Said one official who asked not to be named, “We’re making this a top priority.  Of course, with the holidays coming up, we’re a little understaffed, so we’ll probably have to wait until after the New Year.”  When another worker added that there were two guards’ retirement parties planned for January, the representative added, “It’ll probably have to wait until after Valentine’s Day.”

Casey's In A Better Place Now.

‘Alternate History’ means it’s made up, so don’t go calling your girlfriends with the good news just yet. ∞ T.

Coffee: Once You Go Black

28 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Cinema, Culture

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By Smaktakula

Black As Midnight And Sweet As The Devil.

Today, the following clip from the classic movie Airplane! would be considered too offensive for modern theater audiences.  A generation ago, before taking offense became a national trait, major motion pictures were replete with such examples of inappropriate humor.  Extremely sensitive viewers may wish to skip the clip altogether.

What is damning about this clip, of course, is the young lady’s rather shocking contempt for artificial sweeteners, and her emphatically expressed preference for unadulterated coffee.  Younger readers might be surprised by prejudice, not old enough to remember the days when artificial sweeteners were looked upon not just as something unusual added to coffee, but an as affront against God Almighty Himself.

Smaktakula Takes It The Same Way: Strong, Black & Bitter.

Thankfully, today we live in a world where an individual can drink his coffee however he pleases, free from the judgements of small-minded individuals.  Modern coffee culture is an accepting and all-inclusive one, with coffee aficionados united not only by a love of the hot, bitter beverage, but also by a hatred of the homos who drink herbal teas.

Quick--Somebody Say Something Before It Gets Awkward.

Boycott Trudy’s Dog Washing Service!

25 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Are You Bringing Trudy Your Dogs–Or Your Soul?

Join us on Friday, November 25th, 2011 in our one-day boycott of Trudy’s Dog Washing Service.  For the community’s good, let’s hit this fatcat where it hurts–in her wallet!

For fifteen years Trudy Schwarz has sucked the lifeblood from this community.  Perspicacious enough to notice that seemingly everyone owned a dog, but that very few enjoyed washing the animals, Schwarz exploited this gap by offering to perform these duties for $35.  $35 might not seem like much money, but when you take into account the millions of dog owners in the United States, if each dog visited Schwarz’ business only once year, Trudy’s Dog Washing Service would still be grossing a cool $35 million.

Why Not Do It Yourself?

There are those who will say that Schwarz is providing a service that pet owners are unwilling to perform themselves, and that the small fee is appropriate compensation for her labors.    However, this view dangerously misreads Schwarz’s motives.

Kia spectra 2001

Schwarz Thinks She’s Hot Stuff ‘Cause Her Car’s Paid Off.

Make no mistake–Trudy Schwarz wants your dog to be dirty.  She wants you to bring the dog to her so she can clean it.  But don’t for a minute think that she’s doing this because she cares about you or your dog.  Schwarz is bathing your animal for one reason and one reason only–money.  It’s likely that profit is the sole reason Schwarz got into the dog washing business in the first place.

Like the fleas she sprays from your dog’s belly, Trudy Schwarz is a vicious parasite, sucking the precious lifeblood from America’s consumers.  For one day at least, let’s tell Trudy Schwarz to let her kids go hungry.

 

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO SAND IN THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER’S VAGINA

Scientists Identify Ice As Long-Suspected Link Between Cube And T

23 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Science

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By Smaktakula

The Bridge Between Doughboy & B.A. Baracus.

Observe:

ICE CUBE

Actor In Family-Themed Straight-To-DVD Movies. Former Hip-Hop Artist.

ICE-T

Pretends To Be A Cop, But Actually Isn't. Sang About Killing Cops But Never Did.

MR. T

Philanthropist. Known For Expressions Of Great Pathos For The Unwise.

Ice is clearly the link.  But as the so-called ‘T Equation’ (T> (C+I)²) demonstrates, Ice also acts as an inhibiting factor, dampening the megadoses of cool that naturally accompany pure T.

You Can't 'Just Say No' To Mr. T.

Trees: The Silent Killer

22 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

It Happens Just Like This.

Several news organizations, most notably Promethean Times, have long been skeptical of nature’s ostensibly beneficent disposition toward humanity.  The popular fiction of nature is that of a homeostatic system, designed to encourage and perpetuate terrestrial life.  As we have long suspected, events in Cambodia are proving the converse: Mother Nature is out to get you.

She Hates You So Much. You Have No Idea.

The trouble began when a group of 136 students at Kompong Cham High School abruptly lost consciousness.  Initial reports identified the mass fainting spell as the result of the students being forced to stand at attention by an overzealous school master for failing to properly salute the nation’s flag.  This analysis was revealed to be dangerously naive .

It's Kind Of A Goofy Flag In The First Place.

As it turns out, the real culprit was the abundance of huge trees surrounding the school.  Historically, the earth’s flora have absorbed carbon dioxide for millennia untold, all the while releasing life-giving oxygen into the atmosphere.  The natural order has changed, however, claims Heng Meng, police chief of the Chamkar Leu district and apparently the country’s leading environmental scientist, who says that the massive trees have now decided to hoard oxygen, resulting in the mass fainting.

But Not Always, Apparently.

In any other country, these life-stealing trees would undoubtedly be allowed to continue victimizing the young while politicians grandstanded for the television cameras and argued among themselves.  But Cambodia is a country historically predisposed to quick and furious action.  If the past is any indication, those plucky Cambodians will soon uproot the trees in the middle of the night and round them up in a central location, perhaps a sports stadium or municipal park, at which point the trees will be shot in the back and dumped in mass graves.

Considering What Cambodians Have Been Willing To Do To Their Own People, We'd Say Those Trees Are Fucked.

celibate national bad grammer day

21 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By smaktakula

We Know Some People Like That.

it seems like nobody gives a care about grammer theseadays.  from angry rants on internet 2 billbords 2 newspaper articles our growing grammatical dumbness is transforming into a national trate trate and not just grammer but also spelling and other stuff

americans should take notice of this cause the rest of the world has.  they look with enviosy at are raw, untamed ignorance and say God damm those are some stupid basterds!  why than should’nt we all so embrace this disti uniqueness and have a special day wear we honor talking bad? lol

americans join us on friday novem. 31st to celibate are own thing or whatever were tired of talking l8s

In Case You Wanted To Know.

Totilly.

On The Plus Side, She Probably Won't Be Able To Read Really Big Words Like 'Rohypnol.'

Prior To Reconstruction, The Road Had Served As An Expressway To A Bright And Shining Future.

It Means Doin' It With Animals.

Ha Ha, But Not Really--English Nerds Don't Do It At All.

Just Like The Real Nazis. Except For All The Mass Murder.

We love you long time.  ∞ T.

Sperm Bank Employees Deserve A More Dignified Title

18 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

We Didn't See This Coming, But You Must Admit, It Makes A Certain Sense.

Sometimes, all an industry needs to pick up its spirits is a new name.  When airline stewardesses realized they weren’t being taken seriously, they became flight attendants, with all the glamour and prestige the name implies.  Other industries were quick to follow; a secretary may have been prized for her shorthand skills and ability to fellate the boss, but an administrative assistant is a power-player within the company.  It continues: doctors are now healthcare providers, street musicians are buskers and housewives are homemakers.  Even bums have been jumped up to ‘homeless people.’

But at least one industry has thus far been left behind in the evolutionary progress of language: the sperm bank employee, those dedicated professionals for whom we jerk off into a cup.  Not only is their job every bit as disgusting as the minimum-wage schlub who mops the floors at Bob’s Dirty Book Emporium, but theirs is a profession mocked and derided at every turn.  Promethean Times believes that we can best honor these hard-working spunk-monkeys by calling them by a title befitting the dignity and prestige of their position.  We suggest jizzmastre.

Yeah, It Tastes Funny, But It's Full Of Protein.

Look, if you can call the perky young thing at Starbucks a barista and still keep a straight face, jizzmastre shouldn’t be much of a stretch. ∞ T.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Photographing Your Junk

17 Thursday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

This Achieves The Same End, And Unless You Work For The Citrus Growers Association, Is Not Likely To Get You Fired.

If you’re the kind of dude who photographs and then texts pictures of his genitals, we have a hint for you.  Given the likelihood that your boudoir photos will someday resurface to potentially ruin your life, why not take precautions now to mitigate that eventual crash?

People Are Less Interested In The Indiana Whitesnake Than You Might Imagine.

We recommend making it a habit to carry your cell phone in your crotch.  When people inevitably ask you why you do it, say, “I know it sounds crazy, but a cell phone, like the human body, functions best at 98.6 degrees.”  Those to whom you pass on this fib will either swallow it whole or else believe you to be a drooling moron.  Either way they’ll likely leave you alone about it.  And by carrying your phone in your crotch–and more importantly being known as the kind of jackass who carries his phone in his crotch–you’ll provide your eventual excuse–‘Golly, I don’t know how that happened!‘–with just a smidgen of believability.

Are We Wrong To Want To Preserve Some Of Life's Delicate Mystery?