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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Monthly Archives: January 2012

Promethean Times Endorses Newt Gingrich

31 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

ambition, bad decisions, cruelty, douchebaggery, GOP, Great Depression, Newt Gingrich, political endorsements, Republicans, ridiculous nicknames, short memory, United States of America, venality, Washington Insider, Washington Outsider

Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Just Look At The Man; You Can See How Much He Cares.

It just wouldn’t be an election cycle without some earnest gasbag telling you that this election is the most important in our lifetimes. This platitude becomes especially poignant in 2012–the most important election of our lifetimes. With the nation’s economy in tatters, our remaining resources bled by unsupportable foreign adventurism, and possessed of a moral and spiritual despondency heretofore unseen since the Great Depression, about the only thing left for Americans to do is to close their eyes, step down hard on the gas pedal and pray that the next life is more kind.

Family Values Are Just Like Any Other Value, And There’s A Lot Of Value In Chucking The Old Model When A New One Comes Along.

Unless we wish to see our national demise become a painful, drawn-out affair, the US needs a president who, like Samson of the Bible, will in his last breath tear down the pillars of society, who will remain unburdened by the prudish notions of loyalty and marital fidelity and for whom the truth is but another tool in his masterful arsenal. Now, more than ever, America needs Newt Gingrich.

‘King Of The Hill.’ That’s What They Used To Call Newt Before He Became A Washington Outsider.

Come on folks, let’s turn into the skid!

Venality ♥ Cruelty ♥ Ambition

A Gift For Your Stupid Or Friendless Child

30 Monday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

brilliant scams, foolish choices, friendless losers, Intifada, pet rock, ridiculous fads, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

True, Rocks Picked Up Off The Ground Work Just As Well And Cost Nothing, But They Don’t Come With The Attractive Packaging.

The Pet Rock, the novelty item which in the 1970s turned inventor/con-man Gary Dahl into an overnight millionaire, is back! This amazing product, which three decades ago took people a whopping six months to figure out was just an ordinary rock no different from those found in their yards, has returned to separate an entirely new generation from its money.

Pet Rock Can Provide Hours Of Entertainment.

Despite Its American Origins, Pet Rock Is Popular Throughout The World.

Pet Rock Enthusiasts Even Have Their Own Periodical.

Sweathogs Begin To Die Off

27 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, death by heart attack, Horshack, Jewfro, John Travolta, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Metuchen, Mr. Woodman's revenge, New Jersey, Robert Hegyes, sweathogs, Welcome Back Kotter

By Smaktakula

A Journey Of 1,000 Miles Begins With A Single Step.

Metuchen, NJ: Actor Robert Hegyes died in his home Thursday after apparently suffering a  heart attack. The Welcome Back, Kotter star was sixty years old.

Don't Pity Him, Kids--Time Will Have Its Way With You, Too.

Hegyes rose to fame in the 1970s playing Juan Epstein, a wiseacre Puerto Rican-Jewish street punk with an impressive Jewfro. Actors Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (the black one), John Travolta (the successful one) and Horshack (Horshack) rounded out the ensemble cast of Kotter, which ran from 1976 to 1979. Despite its initial popularity, the show quickly lost steam when Travolta’s film career took off, and when viewers began to realize that the dead-end lives of four doomed, inner-city losers wasn’t so funny after all.

"I'm Gonna Die In A Drug Deal Gone Bad!" {CUE LAUGH TRACK}

In later years, Hegyes supported himself by teaching, and although he continued to act into the twenty-first century, never again found a role as iconic as Juan Epstein. Hegyes’ is survived by his two children. Today we, along with millions around the globe, share their grief, and give voice to the silent, angry question on so many minds: “Why couldn’t it have been Horshack?”

Put Your Arm Down, Ass-Chasm. Your Time Will Come.

"SOON..."

Our Bad Thoughts

26 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

'tard card, Alabama, bad drivers, bad thoughts, differently-abled people, evil, handicapped people, places that suck, slow drivers

By Smaktakula

Does it make us evil that, when stuck behind a slow-moving car with a ‘tard card (known in some parts of the country as a handicapped placard), we sometimes think, “Hey! Just because you’re a cripple doesn’t mean you have to drive like one!“?

Hailing From 'Bamy Is Its Own Handicap.

And does it make us evil that the next time you’re behind a differently-abled driver who can’t quite drive 55,  you’ll think it too?

You.  It makes you a bad person.  I want no part of this.  ∞T.

A Hole New Way To Look At Rachael Ray

24 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

celebrity chef, childish sexual innuendo, Food Network, photoshop, Rachael Ray, we have no shame whatsoever, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Through the magic of the freezeframe, we present the following image of TV chef Rachael Ray for your viewing and photoshopping pleasure.

'TV G' Indeed.

It’s just a spelling error, folks!  We’re not that crass! ∞T.

Cougars (Not The Animals) Added To Protected List

23 Monday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Corner Canyon High School, cougars, Draper, Fighting Poets, Fighting Taints, horses, hypersensitivity, Kumonaywannalayus, mascots, Political Correctness, Redskins, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sea-Monkeys, teabaggers, Utah, Washington State University, Whittier College

By Smaktakula

Can We All Agree That Some Mascots Are Totally Fucking Gay?

No one will seriously argue that Utah is a fun place to be for any extended period–it’s hard to find a drink when you want one, there’s no access to medical marijuana,  and worst of all, everybody smiles all the time.  Moreover, the majority of the state is a blighted, lifeless desert, and the only body of water worth a damn is so choked with salt that only Sea-Monkeys thrive in the briny morass.  But despite its many, many faults, Utah is rightly regarded as a sensitive place, a reputation reinforced by a recent high school mascot naming fracas.

What About A Mascot Everyone Can Get Behind?

The students at Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah were given the honor of determining their school mascot through a student-wide vote.  Knowing the disgusting nature of children, the school board was prepared for some unusual–perhaps even filthy–mascot suggestions: the Fighting Taints, the Teabaggers or the Kumonaywannalayus.

WSU: We Were Sexist Before It Was Cool To Be Sexist.

However, the students’ choice, the Cougars, caught even the most jaded school administrator off guard.  Although the majority of Corner Canyon students and their parents were unaware of it, and despite the nickname’s ubiquity among school mascots,  ‘cougar’ is a highly offensive term to some people.  Cougars, primarily known as large, North American felines, are increasingly coming to represent middle-aged women who are attracted to younger men, rendering the term decidedly inappropriate for use as a school mascot.  The school board wisely overturned the students’ decision, selecting instead a war-horse, a mascot which could prove hurtful to no one.

"That's Off-EHHHHHHHHHHHN-Sive!"

Headlines 01.20.12

20 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Axl Rose, bad teeth, Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter, breasts, breastuses, California, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, Chinese Democracy, Chris Paul, Clippers, congress, Costa Concordia, death by cruise ship, dope, drugs, God, grass, headlines, hemp, Hope, inbreeding, Japan, Jay-Z, marijuana, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nakh-Nakh the Pig, pederasts, pot, Powerball, reefer, Rick Santorum, schadenfreude, sweet sweet cheeba, taint, Teen Mom, Vladimir Putin, weed

By Smaktakula

Turns Out It’s Dark, Foul And Full Of Sand.

In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there?  Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!

Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?

What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years.  And maybe learning something.  You know, whatever.

Don’t Get Excited, Folks–It’s Just Tobacco.

Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.

Good Minus God ~ Is just ‘0’.

Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.

LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?

Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.

No Man Can Tame Those Magnificent Beasts.

Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.

Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is.  Otherwise, no.

Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had.  Wait.  You don’t mean for President, do you?  President of the United States and Leader of the Free World?  Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?

Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~  We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets.  It doesn’t work.

How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.

Not This One, For Example.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses  say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.

3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.

The Funny Comes Pre-Bundled.

More Topical Reading:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI

The One Good Reason To Learn Latin

19 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, dead languages, Latin, pederasts, pedophile priests, things to discuss when you're being buggered, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

It may be comforting to know exactly what Fr. Cochran is whispering in your ear.

Spare The Rod? That's Not Happening.

Scalped!

17 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Indian casino, Indians, jizzmastre, Native Americans, prostitution, Right Said Fred, scalpers, scalping, sex worker, tickets, transients

By Smaktakula

We'll Bet Mom And Dad Had Big Dreams For You.

Unless you’re a friendless, housebound wretch, you’ve been to a concert, sporting match or other public gathering for which the purchase of tickets is required.  If you have, you’ve no doubt fought your way through the army of malodorous transients clustered around the entrance offering to sell you tickets.  These hard-working professionals are called scalpers.

Scalping: It Isn't Pretty.

The sobriquet is a reference to the grisly practice of tearing an enemy’s scalp from his head.  Despite these sensitive, stigma-erasing times, which have seen prostitutes elevated to sex workers and cum-catchers to jizzmastrae, the colorful term ‘scalper’ is, in the United States at least, the nearly-exclusive term for  these grey-market resellers.    The term has become so entrenched that it applies to anyone who resells tickets to a venue, apparently even if it’s a dude in buckskins hawking tickets to the Right Said Fred show at the Lucky Eagle Casino.

"There Will Be A Surcharge For Your Insensitivity."

Ugh! ∞ T.

Remembering Martin Luther King, Jr.

16 Monday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bravery, Catholic Church, civil rights, civil rights leaders, don't know much about history, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Martin Luther King Sr., Memphis, mistaken identity, non-violence, outright lies, Reformation, Tennessee

By Smaktakula

"Everything That We See Is A Shadow Cast By That Which We Do Not See."

Forty-plus years after his slaying in Memphis, Tennessee,  Martin Luther King, Jr. remains a beloved figure not only in the United States of America, but throughout the entire world.  His courage, moral example and dedication to non-violence catalyzed the civil rights movement  to a degree that cannot be underestimated, and proved stronger even than the will of governments.  The lives of millions were transformed through Dr. King’s efforts.

He should not, however, be confused with the similarly-named German priest whose protest against the Catholic Church catapulted Protestantism to its current position among the great religions of the world.  That was King’s father, Martin Luther King, Sr.

No, It Doesn't Make Much Sense To Us, Either. But You Can't Argue With History.

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