castration, circumcision, death by fatal penis injection, dicks, dingus, homicide, Iran, Janet Reno, Johnson, Kasia Rivera, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, penis, phallus, Phillip Seaton, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, tallywhacker snatchers, Why am I so stupid?
If you have a penis, or know someone who does, then we don’t have to tell you that it’s a rough time to be a phallus. Not so long ago, the dangers faced by cocks were somewhat pedestrian: the clap, chafing from improper handling or the thankfully more infrequent, but blindly excruciating pain of getting the ‘lil man caught in your zipper. But 21st Century has brought with it dark days for the male reproductive organ. Readers of Promethean Times have been aware of this grisly trend for some time, having witnessed man-meat subjected to slicing, grinding and the ravenous appetites of ball-chomping ferrets. These incidents are not aberrations; the threat posed to our junk is real and persistent.
Like many a fellow, Kentucky truck driver Phillip Seaton took his manhood for granted until the day he woke up without it. The detesticled driver had gone to the hospital for a routine circumcision, and was horrified to find the overzealous surgeon had taken a little too much off the top. After a quick consult with his dictionary to ensure he hadn’t made himself the punchline of an old joke, Seaton took his case to the courts, unsuccessfully suing the medical penis pirates. The hospital’s lawyers explained that while he was performing the circumcision, the surgeon discovered what he called a ‘potentially life-threatening’ tumor, and reasoned that although Seaton could not give his consent, he surely wouldn’t mind having his dick lopped off without warning.
Sometimes the biggest threat to a penis the man to whom it is attached. If you were to ask any group of men throughout the world where on the body they thought was the best place for a tattoo, at least half of them would quickly answer, “The Penis!” While it may seem like a good idea to put to the needle a man’s most important and useful organ, surprisingly, it is not, as one ruined young Iranian man could haltingly tell you in the short spans between his abject, wracking sobs. No doubt hoping to impress literate young ladies, this gentleman had the Persian script borow be salaamat (‘good luck on your journeys’) inscribed on his pecker, which left him with a permanent semi-erection. A full-time semi might not seem such a terrible fate, but there is a reason that every Viagra commercial admonishes users to see a doctor for stiffies lasting more than four hours. Doctors contend that abnormally prolonged erections may deprive the tissues of oxygen-rich blood, leading to impotence, at which good luck or no, you’re not going on any journeys.
The words ‘fatal penis injection’ can mean a lot of things, but in the case of a New Jersey homicide, they mean exactly what they sound like. Crazy lady Kasia Rivera is accused of homicide in the death of a young man and for practicing medicine without a license. The authorities say that the victim’s gruesome death from a silicone embolism was the result of Rivera jamming a needle full of silicon into his dick in a madcap enlargement procedure straight out of an I Love Lucy episode.
It should be clear by now to almost everyone–but men in particular–that the world is a harsh, cruel place for penii.¹ Hopefully this will serve as a reminder to men and boys worldwide not to take their members for granted, but to love and cherish them, never knowing when they’ll be snatched away.
If I had one of those* I’d never leave the house.
*penii, that is
Welcome to our world.
Reblogged this on Promethean Times and commented:
“Classic” PT–hard-hitting, but always tasteful.
William Miller said:
I try to remember to say, “I love you,” everyday to my penis when I leave home for work in the morning, then again when I return home. You never know when you might not ever see it again in this cruel and violent world.
Bill, it sounds like you’ve got your priorities straight. It’s best to remember the things that are truly important!
El Guapo said:
I shudder at the difficult research that went in to this, and can only say…better you than me.
Thanks, Guap! Being that the tallywhacker is such a vital but terribly misunderstood organ, I considered this a service to both men and women everywhere.
“…jamming a needle full of silicon into his dick in a madcap enlargement procedure”
CRINGE. And I thought getting catherized was bad…
This was brilliant Never have I been so glad not to have a penii.
Reblogged this on The Blurred Line and commented:
This will make every man cringe and every woman glad she is a woman.
Thanks a lot for the reblog, VB! It’s tough being a man or a woman–that’s why I’m so glad I’m a genderless freak.
It was a pleasure. I’d be devastated if someone cut off a boob without my consent. At least I can get new ones. Better ones.
I had NO IDEA…!
Geeze… good luck…!
How many body/penis horror stories do people have to hear before they stop allowing random people to inject them with shit???
Also,not to be confrontational, but if you consider the mutilation of female genitalia in African countries and what not, genitals have been in peril far longer than just this recent rash (see what I did there?) of penis fatalities…
Trinity Rivers said:
Unfortunately messing with one’s naughty bits isn’t just a male folly anymore. More and more women are taking up the crusade to make their girly parts more “attractive.” By whose standards, I have to ask. This brings yet more horror stories of “improvements” gone wrong.I cringe at the prospect and fail to understand why all of us can’t just leave well enough alone. When it comes to our junk anyways. Yikes.
Did you ever hear the one about the guy from the band “Three Dog Night?” Apparently he “broke” his one night. That had to hurt.
The Writing Waters Blog said:
I couldn’t stop reading, even when I noticed I was bent over in protection of my own less protruding apparatus. I haven’t heard the word stiffie for a very long time. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it printed and I know I’ve never typed it before.
I see you mentioned Lorena Bobbitt (couldn’t have a story like this one without her!!) I had never heard of the Becker case (Tallywhacker Snatcher? That’s a brilliant title)…the picture of the Vienna Sausages literally made my stomach give a lurch this morning…and I salute you on the tattoo…ahem.
Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher said:
you had me at Penii