In which we celebrate the faults & foibles which make us mortal. Humanity, you are beautiful!
In which we celebrate the faults & foibles which make us mortal. Humanity, you are beautiful!
Asians, Belgium, black people, Canadians, Etruscans, family values, fun with stereotypes, gay people, ignorance--it's what we do, Kentucky, kung-fu, Latinos, Mayans, Mississippi, Poland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, stereotypes, Sumerians, the French, we're all the same, white man's overbite, white people, white trash, whitey, whitey can't dance
For as long as there have been different cultures, there have been cruel stereotypes about those cultures. In ancient times the Sumerians were believed to be penny-pinchers, the Mayans considered bad guests who wouldn’t leave, and Etruscans were accused of “dressing too faggy.” Even in modern times, there are some¹ who propound the rumor that Belgian people have belly buttons which are neither innies nor outies, but rather prehensile tentacles which the Belgians use to drain fluid from the organs of the handicapped victims who are their natural prey.
Of course, as any grade-school teacher will tell you, there’s no truth in any stereotype. Stereotypes are just a symptom of fear, a fear which stems from ignorance of other people and cultures. Once a person is exposed to the culture he believes so frightening, he will quickly come to understand that people the world over are exactly the same.²
There are those who say that all stereotypes are injurious, even those of a ‘positive’ nature. Positive or not, these critics contend, stereotypes still serve to distort perceptions and contribute to the widening of various cultural schisms.
Asians–Is it really such a handicap to be judged intelligent solely on the basis of your race? It might be unfair to the morons within the culture, but as we know, Asian morons (or ‘the uninterrigent,’ as they’re known in the Far East) are exceedingly rare. Also, it’s not a bad thing if people avoid fucking with you in the off-chance that you’re a kung-fu master.
Gay men–Folks think you’re a good dancer, even when you’re not.
The French–No good stereotypes exist for the French. About the best thing we can say is that if you scrub ’em down real good, you’ll find out they’re actually Swiss.
White people–Even the most destitute piece of poor white trash wandering the back hollows of Mississippi is secretly believed by the other races³to be a member of an illuminati-like conspiracy of world-shaking power brokers. Also, traffic stops rarely end in a beating.
Latinos–Many positive stereotypes are attributed to persons of Latin descent. “He works like a Mexican” is a compliment, and one has only to see 23 people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment to know that the family is paramount in Latin culture. Also, they make great soccer players.
Canadians–Do you folks really mind being thought of as smarter, cleaner, more polite Americans?
The Polish–Tardsie has been to Poland. He says that everything you’ve heard is true.
Black dudes–Hell yeeeeaaaaaah.
After the death of a loved one, well-meaning friends and acquaintances will tell you, often in these very words, If there’s anything I can do, just let me know. Why not take them up on it? Certainly they wouldn’t have offered if they didn’t mean it, and will no doubt be overjoyed to help out.
Putting the technique into play!
famous for nothing, herpes, Jersey Shore, Nicole Polizzi, Oompa-Loompas, skanks, Snooki, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, untalented stars, Valtrex, what IS the singular of Cheetos?, white trash
Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi’s time in the spotlight must soon come to an end. Her fifteen minutes of infamy draws inevitably to a close, as the public’s short attention span casts an obscuring shadow over the stars of yesteryear, even those–among whom Snooki cannot count herself–with actual talent. However unlikely it may seem now, this braying product of a messy one-night-stand between a Cheeto and an Oompa-Loompa will one day go away.
This is our simple tribute to her.
We Americans are justly proud of our ignorance. Along with obesity and braggadocio, having our heads up our asses is the trait for which we are best known around the globe. Regardless whether you count yourself among these mouth-breathing legions of half-witted cretins, or rather, take pride in the fruits of your three semesters of community college, every American can bask in the oily thrill of being an ignoramus. Holidays like Ash Wednesday provide just such an opportunity.
Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent, 40 days of rigorous self-denial practiced by Catholics and also by some of the lamer protestant sects. Catholics, in particular, mark the day by smudging their foreheads with ash as a sign of atonement to a God Who is, after all, pretty vengeful.
Although you may be entirely familiar with the customs of this day, feigning ignorance should be simple enough.¹ When you see a friend, coworker or complete stranger with ash on his or her forehead, go ahead and ask about it. However, by no means should you ask with anything approaching decorum or propriety. We recommend Hey–what’s wrong with your forehead? or Dude–you’ve got some shit on your forehead! The good-natured among your Catholic friends won’t rise easily to the challenge, and may even patiently explain the scriptural significance of the ritual the first several times you loudly call attention to dirty foreheads. But with dedication, persistence and a little luck, you’ll have established your asshole bona fides by lunchtime. Go get ’em, tiger!
cocaine, dope, drugs, grass, hemp, Kentucky, kids today, Lindsay Lohan, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, marijuana, Mexico, nutmeg, PCP, Piggly Wiggly, places that suck, pot, Reddi-Wip, reefer, Somalia, Special K, spice rack highs, sweet lady meg, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, whippets
One of the universal cornerstones of adulthood is the opportunity to bitch vociferously among the members of one’s own generation about how easy kids have it today. That every generation since the dawn of history has engaged in comparing the young unfavorably to itself might be viewed simply as exaggerated flights of reminiscence into the misty days of an idealized youth. However, one has only to note the tremendous progress and scientific innovation of our species, which has pushed back the thick crust of suck that once covered the earth entirely, but is now puddled around the globe in places like Mexico, Somalia or Kentucky. Indoor plumbing, the internet and fake boobs, among other technological marvels, have made the lives of each subsequent generation better than that which preceded it When an older generation complains about how good the ‘kids today’ have it, they’re usually right.
Nowhere is this more true than in the realm of illicit drugs. Despite their official prohibition, drugs have become increasingly available since the 1960s. In the ensuing five decades, LSD has come and gone and come again several times and Quaaludes® have disappeared entirely, but the availability of intoxicants, bolstered by new or newly rediscovered drugs like ketamine, PCP and methamphetamine, has only increased. Moreover, several states have legalized marijuana.¹ And for those who, despite the pharmacopoeia readily available to the young and old alike, are somehow unable to find anything else, spice rack highs like nutmeg² are as close as your local Piggly Wiggly.
CDC, Centers for Disease Control, harlots, hooker with the heart of gold, hussies, organ donors, prostitution, Ron Jeremy, skanks, skonks, sluts, STDs are no laughing matter!, tramps, transplants, women of easy virtue
It’s easy to forget the impact that organ transplants have had on society. Medical science has advanced to such a degree that it now seems routine to cut the organs from a dying man or woman and transplant them into the body of a patient who, without the procedure, would otherwise die. There are thousands of people today who owe their very lives to men and women whose names they will never know.
Despite the dizzying progress of our science, human behavior has yet to make the same quantum leap. Because increasingly fewer people are opting to become organ donors, the demand for transplants far outpaces the availability of suitable organs.
If a Centers for Disease Control recommendation is implemented, quality organs will become even more rare. The venerable health organization takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure that only the pinkest, healthiest organs get sewn into recipients. To meet this end,the CDC has devised several screening methods to weed out potential undesirables and plague-carriers. Relying heavily on statistics, the organization has identified several high-risk groups, such as convicts, whose members are barred from organ donation. However, in a move sure to stoke the ire of pro-skank activists around the globe, the CDC has issued recommendations barring persons of a slutty nature from donating organs.
Anna Nicole Smith, Belgium, Bill Clinton, blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people are stupid, double standards, dreadlocks, Emmanuel Lewis, freedom of speech, Gary Coleman, handicapped people, hypocrisy, Jimmy Carter, Kool-Aid Man, nasty blond dreadlocks, opossums, Osama bin Laden, punch lines, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Why are blondes so stupid?
In which we present a few of our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.
Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.
In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.
We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.
We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe. We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.
Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.
Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.
In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.
It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.
abortion, death by fire, Dewey defeats Truman, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, flame retardant, Fred Phelps, gay marriage, God Hates Fags, inflammable, leprosy, Mickey Rooney, mistakes, outright lies, retractions, syphilis, we goofed!
Readers of Promethean Times know how very seriously we take our journalistic responsibility to keep the public informed. Throughout its nearly two-hundred years of publication, Promethean Times has striven to justify our readership’s trust by providing only the most accurate and thoroughly-vetted information. Although we have been exceptionally successful in this endeavor, we do from time to time make mistakes. It is vital to our mission that, when on those infrequent occasions when we do make mistakes, we correct them quickly.
Mickey Rooney does not have late-stage syphilis. A representative of the nonagenarian actor and insurance pitchman told Promethean Times that Rooney was healthy and that his nose has not ‘rotted away to a blackened stump’ as previously reported.
We extend a heartfelt and abject apology not only to the wife and infant daughter of Scoutmaster Daniel “Flip” Plevins and the parents of Billy Wilkins, Shane Green and Cody McPhereson, but to all of Cub Scout Pack 492 and to the intrepid park rangers who were first upon the grisly scene. Further, we apologize to any readers unknown to us who may have suffered injury after relying on erroneous information provided by this publication. We regret our error. As it turns out, grizzly bears are not, in fact, ‘more scared of you than you are of them.’
The sound you hear when a spoon falls in the garbage disposal is NOT the wailing spirit of the child you aborted the summer after your sophomore year in college. In retrospect, saying so seems unnecessarily cruel.
Contrary to what was printed on this site, sprinkling your breakfast cereal with the finely ground toes of Irish babies will not cure leprosy.
We reported that a kitten frozen in a block of ice for a period of up to three months will revive if properly thawed. While this advice has proven to be cruelly incorrect, we submit that it was still a really cool notion.
We were sorely off the mark when we told parents that flame-retardant toys would impair their children’s cognitive abilities. This is not the case. However, in our ongoing commitment to child safety, we urge parents to make sure that each of their children’s toys is clearly marked “INFLAMMABLE.’
Legalizing gay marriage will apparently not cause the universe to collapse in upon itself. Sorry, we thought it would.