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Tag Archives: Janet Reno

Not Without My Johnson!

11 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

castration, circumcision, death by fatal penis injection, dicks, dingus, homicide, Iran, Janet Reno, Johnson, Kasia Rivera, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, penis, phallus, Phillip Seaton, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, tallywhacker snatchers, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

If Your Penis Were Trying To Pass Itself Off As Human, It Might Look A Little Something Like This.

If you have a penis, or know someone who does, then we don’t have to tell you that it’s a rough time to be a phallus. Not so long ago, the dangers faced by cocks were somewhat pedestrian: the clap, chafing from improper handling or the thankfully more infrequent, but blindly excruciating pain of getting the ‘lil man caught in your zipper. But 21st Century has brought with it dark days for the male reproductive organ.  Readers of Promethean Times have been aware of this grisly trend for some time, having witnessed man-meat subjected to slicing, grinding and the ravenous appetites of ball-chomping ferrets. These incidents are not aberrations; the threat posed to our junk is real and persistent.

Like Cops, They’re Never Around When You Really Need Them.

Like many a fellow, Kentucky truck driver Phillip Seaton took his manhood for granted until the day he woke up without it. The detesticled driver had gone to the hospital for a routine circumcision, and was horrified to find the overzealous surgeon had taken a little too much off the top. After a quick consult with his dictionary to ensure he hadn’t made himself the punchline of an old joke, Seaton took his case to the courts, unsuccessfully suing the medical penis pirates. The hospital’s lawyers explained that while he was performing the circumcision, the surgeon discovered what he called a ‘potentially life-threatening’ tumor, and reasoned that although Seaton could not give his consent, he surely wouldn’t mind having his dick lopped off without warning.

“YOINK!!!!”

Sometimes the biggest threat to a penis the man to whom it is attached.  If you were to ask any group of men throughout the world where on the body they thought was the best place for a tattoo, at least half of them would quickly answer, “The Penis!” While it may seem like a good idea to put to the needle a man’s most important and useful organ, surprisingly, it is not, as one ruined young Iranian man could haltingly tell you in the short spans between his abject, wracking sobs.  No doubt hoping to impress literate young ladies, this gentleman had the Persian script borow be salaamat (‘good luck on your journeys’) inscribed on his pecker, which left him with a permanent semi-erection. A full-time semi might not seem such a terrible fate, but there is a reason that every Viagra commercial admonishes users to see a doctor for stiffies lasting more than four hours. Doctors contend that abnormally prolonged erections may deprive the tissues of oxygen-rich blood, leading to impotence, at which good luck or no, you’re not going on any journeys.

MovieQuotes

Smaktakula Was Gonna Go With This Tattoo, But Was Concerned It Would Leave Too Much Skin Uncovered.

The words ‘fatal penis injection’ can mean a lot of things, but in the case of a New Jersey homicide, they mean exactly what they sound like. Crazy lady Kasia Rivera is accused of homicide in the death of a young man and for practicing medicine without a license. The authorities say that the victim’s gruesome death from a silicone embolism was the result of Rivera jamming a needle full of silicon into his dick in a madcap enlargement procedure straight out of an I Love Lucy episode.

“Ow!”

It should be clear by now to almost everyone–but men in particular–that the world is a harsh, cruel place for penii.¹ Hopefully this will serve as a reminder to men and boys worldwide not to take their members for granted, but to love and cherish them, never knowing when they’ll be snatched away.

This Image Is On Loan To Promethean Times From The Personal Collection Of Janet Reno.

¹ We have previously explained our use of this nonstandard plural.  ∞ T.

This Day In Alternate History: Casey Anthony Killed In Prison

29 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

alternate history, Casey Anthony, Caylee Anthony, death by shiv, Florida, Hello Kitty, Janet Reno, justice, Lowell Correctional Institute, outright lies, revenge, rumors we wish were true, shiv, unpunished

By Smaktakula

She's The Only One Shedding Tears.

Lowell Correctional Institute, Florida: The news of Casey Anthony’s death has been met with worldwide jubilation.  This morning, guards found the 25-year-old murderess lying unconscious in the showers, face down in a rapidly spreading pool of her own blood.  She was later pronounced dead at the prison infirmary.

Anthony was convicted by a Florida court earlier this year for killing her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee Marie Anthony, and was serving the first of eight consecutive life sentences.  Anthony’s crimes were thought especially heinous due to her complete lack of remorse.  The young skank continued her hedonistic partygirl lifestyle long after dumping her daughter’s lifeless body into a shallow grave and then forgetting she ever existed.

Somber Crowds React To The News Of The Murderess' Death.

Investigators have recovered what they believe is the weapon used to murder Anthony, a crude shiv fashioned from a Hello Kitty barrette.  She was stabbed at least 37 times.

Prison officials say they have identified a suspect in the killing.  The accused killer, Joanna “Larry” Belkins, is serving a fifteen-year sentence for armed robbery, and has been placed into solitary confinement while authorities conduct their investigation.

The As-Yet-Unpunished Killer.

Prison representatives contend that their primary focus is swift justice for Casey Anthony.  Said one official who asked not to be named, “We’re making this a top priority.  Of course, with the holidays coming up, we’re a little understaffed, so we’ll probably have to wait until after the New Year.”  When another worker added that there were two guards’ retirement parties planned for January, the representative added, “It’ll probably have to wait until after Valentine’s Day.”

Casey's In A Better Place Now.

‘Alternate History’ means it’s made up, so don’t go calling your girlfriends with the good news just yet. ∞ T.

Headlines 08.17.11

17 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abortion, Antichrist, binge drinking, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, closeted celebrities, Delhi, Florida, gay people, Greece, headlines, India, Janet Reno, Justin Bieber, lesbians, Lesbos, Lottery tickets, marriage, Michelle Bachmann, NASA, Pope Benedict XVI, prostitution, Queen Latifah, San Francisco, smelly hair syndrome, the Greatest Generation, Tiny Tim, Twitter, ukeleles, Usher

By Smaktakula

. . . If You’re Going To San Francisco, You’re Going To Meet Some Gentle People There . . .


User post: Am I just not meant to have friends?
 ~ Sorry, sad-sack–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation.  It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can Twitter Save NASA? ~ Don’t be a child; of course it can’t.

Mother Buried 15 Years Ago Found Alive in Florida ~ Florida in August is its own kind of death.

US women know July 10 is their day ~ Super.  Another important date for us to forget.

First Person: the Sweet Charms of the Ukulele ~ Just what drugs are you on, Tiny Tim?

The Ukulele’s Sole Function Is To Terrify Small Children.

Spectators shout “Killer!” as she leaves jail property ~ No one is sure what Janet Reno was doing there.

Black bear trapped in SLO neighborhood shot dead ~ Tensions are high, and polar bears are advised to stay home after dark.

Mormon leader jailed for life for sex with child brides ~ Life won’t change all that much.  There will still be plenty of sex, only now he’ll be someone else’s baby.

Bachmann’s Church Says the Pope is the Antichrist ~ Pfft.  We say that all the time.

Queen Latifah Says Gay Is the New Black ~ So is Queen Latifah finally admitting she’s, um, black?

Guess Which Greek Island The Ladies Will Be Visiting During Their Vacation?  No, It’s Not Crete Or Corfu. It’s Not Rhodes Or Andros, Either.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against ‘The Greatest Generation,’ go for the hips–they’re fragile.

9 things you shouldn’t say to your child ~  Curiously, they all start with ‘I should have gotten that abortion.’

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Meet Europe’s record-breaking (and cute!) lottery winners ~ Being a lottery winner goes a long way toward making you cute.

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion reasons.

‘Delhi’ Rhymes With ‘Smelly.’ It Should Rhyme With ‘God-Awful Stink.’

Despite priest’s dark past, he was given ample time to find new victims ~ Which is cool, because we believe in second chances.

83-Year-Old Gets Breast Implants to Keep Up With Kids ~ It’s a race to see who can commit the biggest affront to all that is decent and right.

Binge drinking ‘can damage memory skills’ in teen girls ~ It’s ‘judgement’ that teen boys want to affect.  Memory is just gravy.

Prostituted child leaves ‘game’ for good ~ We don’t believe it.  Justin Bieber loves showbiz too much.

“Thass Right, Just Two Bills For This Sweet Piece Of Ass.”

Police: Teen Killed Parents, Hid Bodies During House Party ~ Yeah, but that shit was off the hook!

The history of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ ~ It’s pretty gay, but we don’t like to talk about it.

California Bay Area Mansions Are in High Demand, Due to Tech Boom ~ Wait for the inevitable bust and snatch one up for a song.

What Is ‘Smelly Hair Syndrome? ~ Sounds like a childish euphemism for poontang, which itself is a childish euphemism for cooter.

And Now We See It Everywhere.

FURTHER EXAMPLES OF OUR IRRESPONSIBILITY:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
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  • Headlines IV
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  • Headlines VII

This Day In History: April 19, 1993 CE

19 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1993, Afghanistan, April 19, ATF, Attorney-General, Branch Davidians, David Koresh, homicide, Janet Reno, Kent State, massacre, Miranda Rights, murder, Patriot's Day, religious freedom, religious intolerance, repression of dissent, slaughter, Texas, this day in history, unpunished war criminals, Waco, war criminal

On which Janet Reno hosts a killer Patriot’s Day cookout in the Lonestar State for seventy-six of her closest friends:

Waco: Think 'Afghanistan,' But Without The Miranda Rights.

f

Waco: Think Afghanistan, But Without The Miranda Rights

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