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By Smaktakula

Can We All Agree That Some Mascots Are Totally Fucking Gay?

No one will seriously argue that Utah is a fun place to be for any extended period–it’s hard to find a drink when you want one, there’s no access to medical marijuana,  and worst of all, everybody smiles all the time.  Moreover, the majority of the state is a blighted, lifeless desert, and the only body of water worth a damn is so choked with salt that only Sea-Monkeys thrive in the briny morass.  But despite its many, many faults, Utah is rightly regarded as a sensitive place, a reputation reinforced by a recent high school mascot naming fracas.

What About A Mascot Everyone Can Get Behind?

The students at Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah were given the honor of determining their school mascot through a student-wide vote.  Knowing the disgusting nature of children, the school board was prepared for some unusual–perhaps even filthy–mascot suggestions: the Fighting Taints, the Teabaggers or the Kumonaywannalayus.

WSU: We Were Sexist Before It Was Cool To Be Sexist.

However, the students’ choice, the Cougars, caught even the most jaded school administrator off guard.  Although the majority of Corner Canyon students and their parents were unaware of it, and despite the nickname’s ubiquity among school mascots,  ‘cougar’ is a highly offensive term to some people.  Cougars, primarily known as large, North American felines, are increasingly coming to represent middle-aged women who are attracted to younger men, rendering the term decidedly inappropriate for use as a school mascot.  The school board wisely overturned the students’ decision, selecting instead a war-horse, a mascot which could prove hurtful to no one.

"That's Off-EHHHHHHHHHHHN-Sive!"