Axl Rose, bad teeth, Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter, breasts, breastuses, California, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, Chinese Democracy, Chris Paul, Clippers, congress, Costa Concordia, death by cruise ship, dope, drugs, God, grass, headlines, hemp, Hope, inbreeding, Japan, Jay-Z, marijuana, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nakh-Nakh the Pig, pederasts, pot, Powerball, reefer, Rick Santorum, schadenfreude, sweet sweet cheeba, taint, Teen Mom, Vladimir Putin, weed
In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:
25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?
Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!
Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?
What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years. And maybe learning something. You know, whatever.
Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.
Good Minus God ~ Is just ‘0’.
Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.
LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?
Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.
Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.
Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is. Otherwise, no.
Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had. Wait. You don’t mean for President, do you? President of the United States and Leader of the Free World? Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?
Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~ We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets. It doesn’t work.
How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.
Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.
California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.
Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.
3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.