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By Smaktakula

We respond to today’s headlines without first reading the stories!

Whatever. We’ll Continue To Invest Our Assets In Lottery Tickets.

Parenting After Penn State: Can We Trust Coaches with Our Kids? ~ As much as we ever could.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

This Undulant Curiosity Comes With Its Own Event Horizon.

Cops: Boy, 5, stabbed three over juice ~ You’d think after the first stabbing they’d just give the kid his fucking juice.

Santorum Surges, Romney Shrugs ~ Ew.  You know what that means, right?

Should teams lose for Luck? ~ Good question, Confucius.  We’ve got one for you: should a person starve himself for satiety?

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins can’t even keep their asses out of tuna nets.

‘Little Help?’

Unconsciously, Everyone Wants to Date a Hottie ~ But only unconsciously.  Our conscious mind directs us to copulate with fuglies.

Wild find: Half grizzly, half polar bear ~ 100% AWESOME!

Fun in Mogadishu? Indeed! ~ If you’re a khat-crazed buccaneer.

Jamie Lynn Spears: I’m Afraid of Not Being a Good Mom ~ Some fears are justified.

LA arson probe: Person of interest had ‘creepy’ smile, witness says ~ He totally did it, then.  The creepy smile is how you can tell.

What You’re Buying Is The Serial-Killer Smile; The ShamWow! Is An Extra.

What will Giants need to do in order to repeat? ~ Win another Super Bowl, ass.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that remains a mystery.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.

Native Americans, given less time to vote for president, sue SD ~ They always end up voting for Jack Daniels anyway.

“The Great Spirit Says I Must Seek A Vision.”

Former Survivor member sues Gingrich for using “Eye of Tiger” ~ You’d think they’d be thanking Gingrich–that song is about as old as he is.

Elderly Woman Leaves Condo To Homeless ~ And now no one wants to live there.

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ They can help THEMSELVES stay out of a nursing home by helping Smaktakula out with a little ‘Beanie Baby’ money.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ You best watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up scrubbing your own floors.

We’ve Practically Made Ethnic Pandering Into A Science.

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