arson, bad parents, creepy, dolphins, drunken Native Americans, ethnic pandering, headlines, Jack Daniels, Jamie Lynn Spears, khat, Latinos, Los Angeles, Mitt Romney, Mogadishu, Native Americans, New Jersey, New York Giants, Newt Gingrich, Penn St., places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, Rick Santorum, ShamWow!, ShamWow! Vince, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, Survivor, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, ugly people, US Navy, Why am I so fat?
We respond to today’s headlines without first reading the stories!
Parenting After Penn State: Can We Trust Coaches with Our Kids? ~ As much as we ever could.
Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.
Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.
Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.
Cops: Boy, 5, stabbed three over juice ~ You’d think after the first stabbing they’d just give the kid his fucking juice.
Should teams lose for Luck? ~ Good question, Confucius. We’ve got one for you: should a person starve himself for satiety?
The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins can’t even keep their asses out of tuna nets.
Unconsciously, Everyone Wants to Date a Hottie ~ But only unconsciously. Our conscious mind directs us to copulate with fuglies.
Wild find: Half grizzly, half polar bear ~ 100% AWESOME!
Jamie Lynn Spears: I’m Afraid of Not Being a Good Mom ~ Some fears are justified.
LA arson probe: Person of interest had ‘creepy’ smile, witness says ~ He totally did it, then. The creepy smile is how you can tell.
What will Giants need to do in order to repeat? ~ Win another Super Bowl, ass.
Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that remains a mystery.
FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.
Native Americans, given less time to vote for president, sue SD ~ They always end up voting for Jack Daniels anyway.
Former Survivor member sues Gingrich for using “Eye of Tiger” ~ You’d think they’d be thanking Gingrich–that song is about as old as he is.
Elderly Woman Leaves Condo To Homeless ~ And now no one wants to live there.
Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ They can help THEMSELVES stay out of a nursing home by helping Smaktakula out with a little ‘Beanie Baby’ money.
Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ You best watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up scrubbing your own floors.
More Fun With Headlines:
- Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
- Headlines II
- Headlines III
- Headlines IV
- Headlines V
- Headlines VI
- Headlines VII
- Headlines VIII
- Headlines IX
- Headlines X
- Headlines XI
- Headlines XII