Tags
Christianity, freedom of speech, fun with stereotypes, Hinduism, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Judaism, Religion, sacred cows, sacred texts, shut your mouth!, take a fucking joke
By Smaktakula
If God Cares So Much What We Say, Why Did He Waste Time With The Bible, The Talmud and The Koran, Instead Of Just Writing A Dictionary?
We all know it can be pretty hard to offend a zealot. The world’s great religions have shown time and time again that they can take a joke, and value speech and open expression far more than they cling to fundamentalist dogma.
But just for fun, and today being Sunday, we thought it might be neat to try insulting no less than three of these unflappable faiths in a single, admittedly compound, sentence:
“I’m just like Jesus (except not, you know…so Jewy), and I think women should be allowed to vote!”
At This Point You Can Expect To Be Beheaded, Have Your Immortal Soul Consigned To Hell, Or Be Sued Like You’ve Never Been Sued Before.
And because you guys are such a great audience, we’re throwing in a bonus faith-offending sentence!
“Now let’s all get a burger!”
Mmmmm… Genealogy Never Tasted So Good!
“You Think This Is Over? This Isn’t Over! We’re Gonna Start By Suing Your Cable Company, And Then We’re Gonna Sue Your Computer Manufacturer. And Then? Oh Yeah, Buddy–Then We’re Gonna Sue You ‘Till You Can’t See Straight. Have A Nice Day.”
Promethean Times 
The only thing you missed in this was making it a bacon cheeseburger. This way you offend two of the three big religions in one shot.
Well, obviously, we like the way you think. Heretic.
And upon further reflection, that’s omega-brilliant. You get three faiths in there. Both Muslims and Jews (and Smaktakula too, actually!) refuse to eat the filthy swine. Plus, Orthodox Jews can’t mix meat and dairy.
And hey, if the burger was prepared by a lesbian, you’ve got the Christians, too!
EXACTLY. The bacon offends the Muslims and Jews, the dairy/meat combo offends the Jews, and if the burger was prepared by a homosexual atheist, you get all three.
Plus, as a special added bonus, speaking of sacred cows, you also take on the Hindu religion—they don’t eat cow.
Throw the militant vegans (it may as well be a religion for them) into the mix and you’ve got yourself a party.
And you forgot the Vegans, from planet Vega, a religion unto themselves.
You’re right, Bill!–Weebles also highlighted my omission. And if I was really all inclusive, I could have thrown a bone to (or at) Mormons & Buddhists.
And while we’re at it, probably my LEAST favorite religious group are the militant atheists (as opposed to mind-your-own-beeswax agnostics whom I like just fine).
Jesus and Moses are playing golf at the course in heaven.
Moses drives and sinks ine right into the water trap. He sighs, walks over to the trap and spreads his hands majestically over the water. The lightning flashes, the thunder crashes, and the waters slowly part. Moses walks in, drives his ball on to the green and heads back to Jesus. With a wink, he says “you’re shot”.
Jesus “hmphs”, takes his shot, and yup, right into the water trap. He smirks at Moses, walks out across the water, and leans over to pick up his ball. As he walks back to the waters edge, he begins sinking, each step a little lower, until he is running nexck deep in the water.
He gets near the edge, and with a leap, hurls himself onto dry land.
Moses sruns over, asking if he’s okay.
“Man”, pants Jesus, “That was a lot easier before I had those holes in my feet.”
You’re welcome.
I have one even more offensive to Jews that I (as a Jew) find absoulutely hilarious.
i’d be happy to email it to you, but to post it is even too much for my admittedly low standards f good taste.
I heard that joke differently. It starts the same. Jesus drives. The ball lands way off the fairway, but a squirrel picks it up, and then an eagle picks up the squirrel, gets hit by lightning, drops the squirrel and the ball onto the green, Jesus causes an minor earhquake, parts the water, etc, etc until it’s a hole in one.
Moses turns and says: “Listen Jesus, you wanna play golf or you wanna eff around?”
Heard that one too. Another classic!
Those are both pretty good, and contain elements of that rather historic golf match, but let me tell you what REALLY happened.
Okay, first of all, there were three dudes there. Moses and Jesus (whom you guys already know, apparently) and an old man.
Moses hits first, and his ball lands on the other side of a river. He parts the river and continues play.
Jesus hits his ball, and of course, it goes into the lake. The Lord of Lords walks out upon the water, and commands the ball “Rise up,” and it did so. Jesus played through.
Now the old man hits the ball and it goes straight into the lake, where–amazingly–a fish catches the ball in its mouth. But before the poor creature can sink back into the depths, an eagle swoops down and snatches it up, shaking the fish so violently that the ball falls from its mouth and lands a few feet from the hole. A sudden breeze knocks the ball in for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, “C’mon Dad–quit showing off.”
And that’s what REALLY happened.
That’s good.
Ha ha! See my reply to Bumba for what REALLY happened that day on the links. Who was the third shooter?
I think it’s proof of a wonderfully misspent youth that I’ve heard that one too!
Um, no. No praying allowed.
Everybody knows that the best religions are the ones that sacrifice virgins to volcano gods.
I don’t like those–they’re always trying to toss me into a volcano!
What’s not to like about insulting some religion? – Exactly.
Nothing to add… had a good laugh tho… 🙂
Thank you!