Tag Archives: shut your mouth!

In Defense Of Vladimir Putin

18 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 44 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Just As Good Policies Sometimes Have Adverse And Unforeseen Consequences, Autocratic Douchebaggery Can Occasionally Have A Silver Lining.

In attempting to muzzle criticism of his increasingly despotic rule, Russia’s President, with the cheerful assistance of the authoritarian kleptocracy’s kangaroo courts, has perversely managed to shatter a long-standing barrier to free speech. By jailing for two years a punk band for the crime of hooliganism, the humorless tyrant has thrust the words P***y Riot¹ into polite discussion.

To Be Fair, This Is What Passes For Polite Discussion Nowadays.

True to our innovative and inclusive nature, the United States has for many years been home to a number of vaginally-themed musical acts:

***

P***y Riot: It Doesn’t Have To Be Vulgar.

¹ You may be compelled to ask if, as we claim, the term is now truly acceptable for polite use, and given that we think nothing of throwing around even more offensive terms like ‘cunt’ or ‘jizz-goblin,’ why we would censor ourselves here? We did it for YOU. You like it when we keep you on your toes. ∞ T.

Sacred Cow Flop

29 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, Religion

≈ 19 Comments

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By Smaktakula

If God Cares So Much What We Say, Why Did He Waste Time With The Bible, The Talmud and The Koran, Instead Of Just Writing A Dictionary?

We all know it can be pretty hard to offend a zealot. The world’s great religions have shown time and time again that they can take a joke, and value speech and open expression far more than they cling to fundamentalist dogma.

But just for fun, and today being Sunday, we thought it might be neat to try insulting no less than three of these unflappable faiths in a single, admittedly compound, sentence:

“I’m just like Jesus (except not, you know…so Jewy), and I think women should be allowed to vote!”

At This Point You Can Expect To Be Beheaded, Have Your Immortal Soul Consigned To Hell, Or Be Sued Like You’ve Never Been Sued Before.

And because you guys are such a great audience, we’re throwing in a bonus faith-offending sentence!

“Now let’s all get a burger!”

Mmmmm… Genealogy Never Tasted So Good!

“You Think This Is Over? This Isn’t Over! We’re Gonna Start By Suing Your Cable Company, And Then We’re Gonna Sue Your Computer Manufacturer. And Then? Oh Yeah, Buddy–Then We’re Gonna Sue You ‘Till You Can’t See Straight. Have A Nice Day.”

Pray for us, friends. ∞ T.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: You Might Like To Know

02 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Religion

≈ 24 Comments

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Originally posted 10.04.11

By Smaktakula

Although They Don’t Celebrate Holidays, Every Day Is A Party For The Witnesses.

Admit it, you don’t know much about the Jehovah’s Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of The Watchtower in hand.

Unlike Jews Or Muslims, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Exist For You To Mock.

You may know some of the more peculiar details of the Witnesses’ faith–the failed doomsday predictions, their lack of cool holidays or Witnesses’ refusal to salute the flag. Moreover, they refuse blood transfusions and military service. Most peculiar of all, like Jews and Seventh Day Adventists, Witnesses choose to ruin their Saturday with church, rather than the accepted Western tradition of Church on Sunday.

Pull The Curtains And Turn Off The TV Unless You’ve Got Three Hours To Kill.

But most people don’t know the price the Witnesses have paid over the years for their anti-militaristic views. Their refusal to serve in World War I angered fascistic governments in Germany and the United States, resulting in persecution and imprisonment.  During the Holocaust, Jehovah’s Witnesses paid with their lives, sent to the camps along with Gypsies, Jews, homosexuals, communists and common criminals. But unlike many of the others, whose offense to Nazi Germany was tied to some immutable condition, all the Witnesses had to do to save their own lives was to shut up about the Holocaust. Contrarians to the end, they refused. Their devotion was such that SS captains implored their lethal stooges to be as fanatical as the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

You Had No Fucking Idea, Did You?

Lastly, everyone must agree that given the Witnesses’ literal belief that only 144,000 souls will be admitted to heaven, it’s pretty generous of them to go door to door every week. With such a small number of the elect slated to make it into heaven, a Jehovah’s Witness puts his or her spot in jeopardy with every knock on the door.

The Witnesses Politely Told The Nazis To Enjoy Relations With Themselves.

Thou Shalt Have No Other Dead Beatle Before Me

04 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula

"Tell Me Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator / Tell Me Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator / Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator Wrote The Book Of The Seven Seals"

If he had to do it again, musician Cee Lo Green most likely wouldn’t have ushered in 2012 with a blasphemous appearance on national television.  He did, however, and just a few days later a reeling public is still hurt and confused.

It remains unclear just why the singer insulted the faith of millions with his callous comments, but unless he can somehow manage to right his rapidly sinking ship, Green’s actions may have seriously damaged his career.  With the exception of the lunatic fringe, the music-buying public tends to avoid those artists associated with hate.

"He Got Hair Down Below His Knees / Hold You In His Armchair / You Can Feel His Disease"

Here’s what happened:  Green was scheduled to perform John Lennon’s Imagine before an audience of millions on NBC’s New Year’s Eve broadcast from Times Square.  But Green, apparently ignorant of the sacrosanctity of Lennon’s lyrics, changed the words of this immortal song.  While Lennon originally sang “nothing to kill or die for/ and no religion too,” Green sang, “Nothing to kill or die for/ and all religion’s true.”

This is highly offensive to Lennon’s fans, who despise the dogma and rigidity of organized religion, and have loudly lambasted Green for his insensitivity.   Lennonists contend that the Word of John must remain inviolable if it is to act as a bulwark against the crippling conformity and monomania of organized religion.

"Well You Know / We All Want To Change Your Head / You Tell Me It's The Institution / Well You Know / You Better Free Your Mind Instead"

And in someone so wise and strong / a desire for Yoko is hard to see / there won’t come an answer / let it be. ∞ T.