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Tag Archives: freedom of speech

Sacred Cow Flop

29 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Christianity, freedom of speech, fun with stereotypes, Hinduism, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Judaism, Religion, sacred cows, sacred texts, shut your mouth!, take a fucking joke

By Smaktakula

If God Cares So Much What We Say, Why Did He Waste Time With The Bible, The Talmud and The Koran, Instead Of Just Writing A Dictionary?

We all know it can be pretty hard to offend a zealot. The world’s great religions have shown time and time again that they can take a joke, and value speech and open expression far more than they cling to fundamentalist dogma.

But just for fun, and today being Sunday, we thought it might be neat to try insulting no less than three of these unflappable faiths in a single, admittedly compound, sentence:

“I’m just like Jesus (except not, you know…so Jewy), and I think women should be allowed to vote!”

At This Point You Can Expect To Be Beheaded, Have Your Immortal Soul Consigned To Hell, Or Be Sued Like You’ve Never Been Sued Before.

And because you guys are such a great audience, we’re throwing in a bonus faith-offending sentence!

“Now let’s all get a burger!”

Mmmmm… Genealogy Never Tasted So Good!

“You Think This Is Over? This Isn’t Over! We’re Gonna Start By Suing Your Cable Company, And Then We’re Gonna Sue Your Computer Manufacturer. And Then? Oh Yeah, Buddy–Then We’re Gonna Sue You ‘Till You Can’t See Straight. Have A Nice Day.”

Pray for us, friends. ∞ T.

For Reals: The Best of Promethean Times!

17 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, Belgium, Bill Clinton, blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people are stupid, double standards, dreadlocks, Emmanuel Lewis, freedom of speech, Gary Coleman, handicapped people, hypocrisy, Jimmy Carter, Kool-Aid Man, nasty blond dreadlocks, opossums, Osama bin Laden, punch lines, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Why are blondes so stupid?

By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff

For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.

In which we present a few of  our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.

Humor:

We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.

Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.

  • Nothing But Punch Lines

The Big Issues:

Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.

In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.

  • Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance
  • A Contemporary Helen of Troy
  • Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks
  • Platinum-Headed Hos

Nature:

This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.

We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.

  • Nobody Loves The Opossum
  • Puppy-Killing: Why We’re Against It

Culture:

Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?

We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe.  We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.

  • Belgians: The World’s Most Evil People

People in Power:

Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?

Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these  gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.

  • Now You’re Just Being A Dick, Bill
  • Prince William: Who Will Be His Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Small Black Actors:

Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.

Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.

  • Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • Emmanuel Lewis: The Antigary

The Evil Ones:

Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!

In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.

  • Bin Laden: The Final Hours
  • Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

Fictional Characters:

His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.

It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.

  • Commercial Icon Institutionalized After Bloody Rampage
  • Vicious Mauling Leaves Sesame Street Cast Member In Critical Condition

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The Best Of Times

  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
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Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

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Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
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WORD.

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