By Smaktakula

Every now and again you’ll find yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to cooperate for a short time with an asshole. Ever the consummate gentleman (or gentlelady), you will no doubt make the best of a bad situation, resisting the urge to draw attention to the low-grade animosity between the two of you.

However, comporting himself like a mature adult may be asking too much of this twat’s self-discipline and dignity. In an effort to wrest control of the situation (and by extension some small piece of his sad and wasted life), he may hit you with a blustery line beginning with the painfully obvious assertion, “I don’t like you, and you don’t like me.”

ACTION! “I Love You–You Love Me, We’re A . . . A . . .Look, I Can’t Do This, Okay? Baby Bop, I Want You Out Of My Fucking Life. The Thought Of Even One More Day Waking Up To Your Face Fills Me With A Numb Horror From Which There Is No Escape. Why Won’t You Die, Baby Bop? Why Won’t You–” CUT!

It’s a fair bet that someone so reliant on an old movie-house chestnut like that will be sluggish on his mental feet–the right comment delivered at the right moment will shut this joker down. Be ready!

Your opponent will be ready for at most two reactions.  He will expect you either to engage him in mutual verbal hostility, or else sink into a sullen silence. He has likely crafted an action plan for either response, and it is critical that you keep him off-balance and outside his comfort zone.

Many People Believe That Being A Bloated, Caricatured, Acquisitive Vulgarian Is Something To Be Admired. Fortunately, Only The Donald Holds In Such Esteem Guys Who Hide Their Baldness By Plastering The Strands Of A Greasy Mop Along The Smooth Contours Of Their Skulls.

Immediately after he delivers his line–before he finishes his sentence, if possible–respond with a completely perplexed, “I like you fine.”*

Completely unprepared such an eventuality, this clown will be instantly rendered more desperate for a cue card than Lindsay Lohan in The Merry Wives of Windsor. He will splash about for a few moments, but if not thrown a rope in the form of an angry reaction on your part, he will soon enough sink below the surface with no trace of his passing.

Congratulations! You’ve gone all Gandhi on this guy, scoring a knockout with a metaphorical kick to the nuts, and carried it off with all the panache and precision of Fred Astaire.You can now expect that whatever you need to accomplish together should be easy enough, with no lip from the cowed ass-clown.

“Remember: There’s Somebody Who Thinks You’re Pretty Special Just The Way You Are. It’s Not Me, Though; I Don’t Particularly Care For You.”

*An alternate answer which is generally less successful, but more efficacious in those instances when it does succeed, is best employed by actors or by individuals with expressive personalities.  This version requires a longish pause after jerkwad’s line.  Then affecting a look of mild shock and barely concealed hurt, say in a small voice, “You don’t like me?”