Tags
assholes, Baby Bop, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Donald Trump, helpful hints, jerks, Mr. Rogers, the Donald
By Smaktakula
Every now and again you’ll find yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to cooperate for a short time with an asshole. Ever the consummate gentleman (or gentlelady), you will no doubt make the best of a bad situation, resisting the urge to draw attention to the low-grade animosity between the two of you.
However, comporting himself like a mature adult may be asking too much of this twat’s self-discipline and dignity. In an effort to wrest control of the situation (and by extension some small piece of his sad and wasted life), he may hit you with a blustery line beginning with the painfully obvious assertion, “I don’t like you, and you don’t like me.”
ACTION! “I Love You–You Love Me, We’re A . . . A . . .Look, I Can’t Do This, Okay? Baby Bop, I Want You Out Of My Fucking Life. The Thought Of Even One More Day Waking Up To Your Face Fills Me With A Numb Horror From Which There Is No Escape. Why Won’t You Die, Baby Bop? Why Won’t You–” CUT!
It’s a fair bet that someone so reliant on an old movie-house chestnut like that will be sluggish on his mental feet–the right comment delivered at the right moment will shut this joker down. Be ready!
Your opponent will be ready for at most two reactions. He will expect you either to engage him in mutual verbal hostility, or else sink into a sullen silence. He has likely crafted an action plan for either response, and it is critical that you keep him off-balance and outside his comfort zone.
Many People Believe That Being A Bloated, Caricatured, Acquisitive Vulgarian Is Something To Be Admired. Fortunately, Only The Donald Holds In Such Esteem Guys Who Hide Their Baldness By Plastering The Strands Of A Greasy Mop Along The Smooth Contours Of Their Skulls.
Immediately after he delivers his line–before he finishes his sentence, if possible–respond with a completely perplexed, “I like you fine.”*
Completely unprepared such an eventuality, this clown will be instantly rendered more desperate for a cue card than Lindsay Lohan in The Merry Wives of Windsor. He will splash about for a few moments, but if not thrown a rope in the form of an angry reaction on your part, he will soon enough sink below the surface with no trace of his passing.
Congratulations! You’ve gone all Gandhi on this guy, scoring a knockout with a metaphorical kick to the nuts, and carried it off with all the panache and precision of Fred Astaire.You can now expect that whatever you need to accomplish together should be easy enough, with no lip from the cowed ass-clown.
“Remember: There’s Somebody Who Thinks You’re Pretty Special Just The Way You Are. It’s Not Me, Though; I Don’t Particularly Care For You.”
Promethean Times 
I must be old school, because my preferred response is “you cover your end, I’ll cover mine, and the sooner we’re done, the better.”
But then, I’m not really a people person to begin with.
But then, I’m not really a people person to begin with.
That surprises me just a little bit. As such a gregarious and witty fellow on-line, I figured you acquired those skills from being the life of the party. I’m often facetious, so you might be wondering if I am now–nope.
Although I like to hide out for hours at a time in my office, I am a people-person (although I’m not sure how apparent that is from what I write here!). I am fascinated by people. They inspire, touch, irritate, amaze, amuse, disgust and delight me.
And, like you, I’m capable of doing the “you do your thing, I’ll do mine,” but I much prefer a cooperative effort, which is where I think you’re gonna see maximum results.
I agree with the cooperative effort. but having been in enough efforts with Whiny Bitchy Guy, I just find it easier to tell them to shut up and do their jobs.
They’ll like me less, but as long as it gets done properly, I’m happy.
And I guess me not being a people person is a statement that doesn’t quite hold up going from the general to the specific…
Some may suggest it’s cowardly to make nice with the jerks, but I call it efficiency. The day’s too short for drama and conflict, unless it’s on a screen or in a book. Silence and a smile are also an effective response to a snotty retort, leaving The Donald–er, I mean, the blowhard–in an uncomfortable confusion.
Well, I think the whole “kick-ass and take names” school of management is getting a second look. I’ve worked in office environments were everything was a zero-sum game (for those unfamiliar with the term, it means that for someone to win, someone else must necessarily lose), and that’s not for me. Always having to watch your back and jockey for position, curry favor etc., is just too fucking tiring. I prefer a cooperative model.
I actually discovered the trick I mention in this post quite by accident. I took over a failing sales branch in Beaverton, Oregon, and inherited a couple demoralized employees. The company had been very bad to them (it was a shitty company) and they kept expecting dirty tricks from me. Finally, one of them broke down one day and said, “I don’t like you, and you don’t like me…” I said, “I do like you,” and an argument ensued that would end up snapping the hostility between us. Sadly, the company made me trick her into quitting anyway. That place made me feel dirty.
It does sound like a dirty place. Then again, being in a town with the name of Beaverton, how could it not?…
I agree. Cooperation trumps “zero-sum.” But of course, that doesn’t mean being a wussy. Sometimes you just gotta fight back. Though I know I don’t need to tell you that…
The Beav was actually pretty cool, and they’re at least comfortable living in Innuendo-ville. They make a brand of mustard there called Hot Beaver!
There’s certainly a time to fight and not be pushed around. But I think people forget that they must choose their battles, and tend to fight over every perceived slight. These folks are known as bitches.
Sometimes I actually go out of my way to be extra solicitous and uber-pleasant in these situations. I think of it like an acting gig. I know it annoys them, and because I know they’re itching to snipe me but they can’t because I’m being so gosh-darned nice, I haven’t provoked them, and if they turn nasty on me, everyone will wonder what their problem is. So they have no choice but to pretend along with me, or out themselves as assholes. Try it, it’s fun!
I TOTALLY agree. I think I mentioned this elsewhere, but in college, there was a rival fraternity with whom we were constantly at odds. We really disliked each other, but I would be super goofy friendly to them. “Hi fellas!” Oh, they hated me.
You and I totally would have been BFFs in college.
Hopefully I wouldn’t have taken you down with me!
Kinda reminds me of: Don’t go away mad – just go away! lol (I always kill em with kindness)
Seriously–kindness properly applied can be a kick to the balls.
I hold an advanced degree in Passive/Aggressiveness and I minored in straight out Aggressiveness. XD
I just have my BA in Pass/Agg. I didn’t want to take out all the loans necessary for a Masters, and just wanted to get out there in the asshole force.
Learning on the job, as it were. 😉
Like I said elsewhere not that long ago, you can’t reason with STUPID… Each idiot that you have to deal with requires a careful assessment of the situation… Multiply that with the day’s value on your “putting-up-with-bullshit-ometer” and that equals… um, hold on, I got this… (pictures Madea pounding on that calculator in Diary of a Mad Black Woman)…
Eh, fuck it. Get the Glock. o.O
I live in California, so harsh words will have to suffice.
lol….that’s why the world is in the shape it is. ~theatrical sigh~
That Mega Purple Gay-ish Dino caption is too funny. Hahahahahahahaha!
Whenever somebody tries to start an argument, I look them straight in the eyes and say “I have always loved you.”
Works every time.
I’ll bet! But don’t you find yourself getting into unwanted relationships with some regularity?
Yeah, it’s a problem. And we fight a lot.
But the make-up sex is fantastic.
After reading the first couple of paragraphs, I was thinking it is best to take a different tack and say something along the lines of “but I really like you”, even if it is blatantly untrue. So it amuses me that you took a similar tack. It’s my sense of humour to mess with a person’s head if they approach me with the idea of having a go in some way.
Made a note to use that comeback at some point 🙂