Sometimes, when you mention a grievance or accomplishment, large or small, some would-be-funnyman will pipe up, “Do you want a medal or something?”
Next time this happens, tell him, “You’re goddamn right I want a medal. Let’s have it!”
Then, when he inevitably stumbles in his reply, tell him, “Your problem is that you make promises on which you have no intention of delivering. That makes you a liar and a scoundrel. Good day to you, Sir!”
With Or Without The Medal, You’re Pretty Special Just The Way You Are.
It’s Just That We Didn’t Know You Could Read Music AND Real Words, Too.
We have preempted our previously scheduled feature Untruth & Consequences: I’m Tardsie, And I’m An Alcoholic Apparently so that we may bring you this very special apology:
Promethean Times regrets the exceedingly poor judgement which contributed to our use of a term considered to be highly offensive to individuals who participate in high school band and orchestra programs. We further regret language which could be construed as threatening. However, we believe it was abundantly clear to most readers that we in no way intended the phrase ‘kick the band {members}‘ as an incitement to violence against members of the HSBO community, nor an invitation to harass them or in any way interfere with their lives, schooling or band responsibilities.
We Could Not Have Been More Off-Base. Sorry.
We extend our most sincere apologies to anyone offended by our unfortunate choice of words in this instance. We will exercise more caution in the future, and very much wish to reassure our readership that this uncharacteristic misstep did not in any way arise from losing sight of our journalistic duty to the public, but rather was simply an expression of our deep-seated and particularly virulent animosity toward band {members}–we just hate those poncey fuckers so goddamn much.
We Dream Of That Happy Day When Band Flags Hang From Traffic Lights And Telephone Poles All Across This Great Land.
With record temperatures baking the nation, the highways and Interstates clogged with holiday travellers and the myriad pressures of the work-a-day world, it’s a fair bet somebody could use a laugh today.
Promethean Times is headquartered in San Luis Obispo County, California, which is situated on the coast between better-known counties, Santa Barbara and Monterey. Nonetheless, our little patch of the world has attracted some attention–a no-less authoritative source than the nigh-deific Oprah Winfrey has declared San Luis Obispo to be the “Happiest City in America.”
In the following video, Lady Winfrey dispatches her humpalicious lackey, Jenny McCarthy, to investigate the secret behind “the SLO life.”
Jenny’s a ‘tard, but we really do know our neighbors. Lately, I’ve heard people bandy about a lot of shit about the supposed phoniness of the phrase “Have a nice day” or the Hollywood shallowness of Californians, but that’s not what I see.
Here’s a non-Oprah (and completely unbiased) testament to our greatness:
As this goes to press at 3:45 PM PST (Proper Standard Time), the temperature in SLO is somewhere around 75 degrees.
And that’s where we live!
Hey, Thanks A Lot For Letting Us Share, Gang!
But wait! you say, That wasn’t funny! That wasn’t funny at all. I thought you said somebody needed a laugh!
We’re very sorry that you misunderstood, but if it helps–we’re laughing.
Promethean Times 