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Tag Archives: schadenfreude

Tardsie’s True-Ass Audio Tales: The Colonel’s Revenge

18 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Entertainment, History, True-Ass Tales

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

botulism, Earl, fast food, Kathy, KFC, schadenfreude, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, vomit

By Tardsie

Remember Folks: You Are What You Eat.

The Colonel’s Revenge

In which something funny becomes unfunny, but then becomes funny again!

https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/colonels-revenge.mp3

Bonus!

Tardsie opines on the practice of trafficking underage sex slaves:

https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/our-take-on-it.mp3

Tardsie shares a personal detail:

https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/tardsie-opens-up.mp3

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales–Take Me Out To The Ballgame

12 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, Anaheim Stadium, Baseball, California Angels, Candlestick Park, Colorado Rockies, Coors Field, Dock Ellis, Dodger Stadium, dope, drugs, grass, hemp, Los Angeles Dodgers, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, marijuana, Pittsburgh Pirates, pot, reefer, San Francisco Giants, schadenfreude, Seattle Mariners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, vomiting, weed

By Tardsie

Relax, baseball-haters, the following True-Ass Tales are concerned less with what happens on the field, and more with shenanigans in the stands.

Inexplicably, My Wife Wore An Orange Shirt To This Game. Chivalrous Dude That I Am, I Said, “If You Get Stabbed In The Parking Lot, Don’t Blame Me!”

The Sweetest Beer–Safeco Field, Seattle, Washington

I guess you could call me a beer snob. I don’t drink much these days, but when I do, I prefer to drink something good, which means avoiding the mass-produced fermented goat urine flowing from America’s big breweries. Nonetheless, there have been exceptions.

Sometime around 2000, a buddy and I were at the newly-opened Safeco Field to see a Mariners’ game (I have since forgotten the opponent). One our way from our seats to the smoking platform we passed a concession cart. The guy running the stand was looking the other way, and without hesitation and before the vendor had turned back around, my buddy snatched a Miller Lite from the ice-filled cavity at the front of his stand. We kept walking.

When we got to the smoking area we lit up a joint and split the Lite. Despite it being shit beer in a plastic bottle, it was one of the sweetest brews ever to cross my lips.

I Want You To Know, I Wouldn’t Normally Do This Kind Of Thing.

Love Some Dodgers (LSD) or Man, I AM the Baseball!–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, California

One time in the 1990s, me and two of my friends, Earl and You Ho, decided to drop some acid at the ball game. The Pirates were in town.

Rarely have I been so fascinated by a baseball game. The span between each pitch seemed interminable and pregnant with promise, as if the whole of the nine innings or for that matter the season hung on the arc and velocity of that single pitch. We were in the nosebleed seats, just below the top ring of the stadium, and the angle seemed impossibly steep, and left us feeling the slightest shift in movement might send us tumbling down into the seats below.

The kids behind us were throwing popcorn, which streaked over our heads like flame-caught moths, surprising us afresh each time they burst past us and fell dying into vast and unknowable distances below our feet.

The drive home was a harrowing kaleidoscope: the sea of tail lights which are the city’s sclerotic arteries, looming, barbwire enshrouded green freeway signs and the lava-lamp face of You Ho as he piloted us through the night.

There’s Precedent. Look Up Dock Ellis.

Letting It All Out–Coors Field, Denver, Colorado

The last time I was at Coors Field was for a Dodgers-Rockies game.  My friend Tyrell got us seats in the club level, where instead of having to stand in the beer line like the unwashed masses, fresh-faced, uniformed attendants would bring the alcohol to us. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of entitlement, the altitude or my own by-then infrequent drinking habits, but I got drunk. Shitty drunk.

We were on the way home when the urge to hurl hit me with immediate, implacable force. I was in the back seat of my buddy’s truck, and although he was quick in pulling over, the vomit was quicker. It was all I could do to get my head out the window before I was spraying mile-high chunks. You should know, I’m a powerful upchucker–it’s all in the diaphragm. I continued vomiting out the window until we got back to Tyrell’s place, where I may have decorated his driveway.

As my (very forgiving!) friend discovered the next morning, I hadn’t been as successful at clearing the car as I’d hoped. The side of the truck, which Tyrell’s company leased for him, was spackled with dried sick. Worse though, I’d managed to get no small amount of the pungent sludge down into the window well, where it was trapped between the panels of the door, free to ferment unmolested.

The story ends happily, though. Tyrell not long after accepted a new job with a different company, who provided him with a new truck of which he was much more fond, not least because it smelled better.

They Still Probably Haven’t Gotten That Stank Out.

Don’t Write Checks My Ass Can–And Will– Cash–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles California

Those of you who remember my buddy Dave Chen already know that he has a tendency to begin speaking long before his brain properly engages, and will have no trouble following the path of foolish decisions which resulted in a significant cash outlay for him and for me a torpid stupor of inebriation and satiety.

It began one day when for some reason Dave and I had been discussing stadium beer. “Those beers they have at Dodger Stadium are pretty big,” Dave said, “I’ll bet you couldn’t even drink four of them during a game.” Amazingly, Dave wasn’t joking, and soon we had a bet. If I could drink four large beers during a regular, nine-inning ball game, Dave would pay for all the beer I could drink (including the original four) and all the food I could eat. In the extremely unlikely event that I lost the bet, I would be required to pay for his food and drink. A little rattled by my obvious glee, Dave blundered further, insisting that I had to carry out the bet ON A FULL STOMACH.

Yeah, That’s Pretty Much It Right There.

The wager was consummated at a Giants-Dodgers match-up. The game was notable not only for the debut of future first-ballot Hall of Famer Dennys Reyes, but also because we were treated to one of the truly rare and pure sights in late 1990’s baseball, a Barry Bonds home run.

No, The Guy I’m Thinking Of Was Freaking Huge.

As you might imagine, I’d killed the four beers by the third inning and Dave was buying the beer & snacks for another six innings. I don’t remember too much about those later frames, but I do remember approaching a guy selling pizzas.

“I’ll take one,” I said, then jerked a thumb at Dave, “He’s paying.”

Without missing a beat, the guy said to me, “Then why not buy two?”

As A Child I Was Pelted With Ice At Candlestick Park For The “Crime” Of Wearing Blue. That’s Just The Kind Of People They Are.

LA: Separate, But Equal. Well, Separate For Sure–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, California

A couple of years ago my wife and I were at a ball game. In the parking lot, I was chatting with two Latino dudes. We were all drinking beers. I was surreptitiously smoking from a pipe I concealed in my hand, but as the other two dudes were smoking cigarettes, they couldn’t smell it.

Security pounced on us from out of nowhere. Officers split us up and spoke to us separately. My officer made me dump the beer (you can’t drink in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium), asked to see my tickets before sending me on my way.

As I was leaving, I saw that one of the Latino guys was getting arrested.

And It Loves Me! (And People Like Me)

When the Angels Were Cast From the Heavens–Anaheim Stadium, Anaheim, California

In 1995, I went to game between the Seattle Mariners and California Angels (as the Anaheim Angels were then called) which the Mariners won. On the way out, my girlfriend, a self-described “Newport Bitch” and lifelong Angels fan grumbled about the loss.

The Angels’ World Series Victory In 2002 (Tied With 2010 For WORST World Series Match-Up EVER) Came As Something Of A Disappointment.

“Come on, Kathy, the Angels are up twelve games,” I said, not needing to add that the season was growing short and such a deficit nigh-insurmountable, particularly for the until-then, luckless Mariners. “Can’t you just let the M’s have this one game?”

What neither of us could have known, however, was that this game proved to be the first spasm in what would grow to be one of the most spectacular–and to my thinking, delightful–collapses in baseball history (at the time I think it was #3), as the Angels saw their commanding lead begin to erode against a suddenly ascendant Seattle. The Angels and Ms ended the season in a tie for first place in the American League West, necessitating a one-game tie-breaker to determine the AL West Champion.

Oh, Hell Yeah, Man–I’ve Got It Framed And Everything.

Beat The Heat With Schadenfreude!

06 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

dickheadedness, making friends, Oprah Winfrey, places that don't suck, San Luis Obispo, schadenfreude, SLO, yes we're jerks

By Smaktakula

Aw, Cheer Up, Grumpus!

With record temperatures baking the nation, the highways and Interstates clogged with holiday travellers and the myriad pressures of the work-a-day world, it’s a fair bet somebody could use a laugh today.

Promethean Times is headquartered in San Luis Obispo County, California, which is situated on the coast between better-known counties, Santa Barbara and Monterey. Nonetheless, our little patch of the world has attracted some attention–a no-less authoritative source than the nigh-deific Oprah Winfrey has declared San Luis Obispo to be the “Happiest City in America.”

In the following video, Lady Winfrey dispatches her humpalicious lackey, Jenny McCarthy, to investigate the secret behind “the SLO life.”

 Jenny’s a ‘tard, but we really do know our neighbors. Lately, I’ve heard people bandy about a lot of shit about the supposed phoniness of the phrase “Have a nice day” or the Hollywood shallowness of Californians, but that’s not what I see.

Here’s a non-Oprah (and completely unbiased) testament to our greatness:

As this goes to press at 3:45 PM PST (Proper Standard Time), the temperature in SLO is somewhere around 75 degrees.

And that’s where we live!

Hey, Thanks A Lot For Letting Us Share, Gang!

But wait! you say, That wasn’t funny! That wasn’t funny at all. I thought you said somebody needed a laugh!

We’re very sorry that you misunderstood, but if it helps–we’re laughing.

Much love, everybody. Stay cool. ∞ T.

Sad Thoughts: Remunerative Inequality

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

alcohol, bad decisions, Beer Goggles, celebriskanks, life is a cruel bitch sometimes, poor impulse control, reality television, schadenfreude, unlike your 15 minutes of fame a child lasts forever, wasted life, white trash, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Bummer: The wayward strumpets on MTV’s Teen Mom get paid a lot more than you do.

This Child Is A Living Testament That, Given Enough Liquor, A Man Will Hump Just About Anything.

“Have you met my kids?  The older boy’s named Beer Goggles and this is my daughter, Regretta.  The little one’s Cody.”

Schadenfreuderiffic! At least she’s going to jail! ∞ T.

Headlines 01.20.12

20 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Axl Rose, bad teeth, Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter, breasts, breastuses, California, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, Chinese Democracy, Chris Paul, Clippers, congress, Costa Concordia, death by cruise ship, dope, drugs, God, grass, headlines, hemp, Hope, inbreeding, Japan, Jay-Z, marijuana, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nakh-Nakh the Pig, pederasts, pot, Powerball, reefer, Rick Santorum, schadenfreude, sweet sweet cheeba, taint, Teen Mom, Vladimir Putin, weed

By Smaktakula

Turns Out It’s Dark, Foul And Full Of Sand.

In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there?  Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!

Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?

What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years.  And maybe learning something.  You know, whatever.

Don’t Get Excited, Folks–It’s Just Tobacco.

Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.

Good Minus God ~ Is just ‘0’.

Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.

LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?

Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.

No Man Can Tame Those Magnificent Beasts.

Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.

Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is.  Otherwise, no.

Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had.  Wait.  You don’t mean for President, do you?  President of the United States and Leader of the Free World?  Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?

Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~  We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets.  It doesn’t work.

How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.

Not This One, For Example.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses  say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.

3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.

The Funny Comes Pre-Bundled.

More Topical Reading:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI

Irony, As Expressed Through The 2011 NBA Championship

17 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Basketball, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, Germans in large groups are best avoided, Ha Ha!, irony, LeBron James, Miami Heat, NBA, schadenfreude, that trick never works

By Tardsie

It is almost-but-not-quite ironic that the term Schadenfreude is a German coinage.

This Time Around, It Was Less About Which Team Won, But Rather, Seeing One Guy Lose.

Smaktakula Returns ‘For Love Of Promethean Times’

14 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by tardsie in Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

bitches, Chad, groupies, grovelling, ignorance, Mohandas Gandhi, outright lies, schadenfreude, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stalkers, that trick never works, Why am I so stupid?

By Tardsie

If You Think About It, Except For Being A Little, Bald, Dead Indian Dude, Smaktakula Is A Lot Like Gandhi.

Smaktakula’s legion of slavishly devoted fans, groupies and stalkers will be delighted to know that Promethean Times’ head writer has reconsidered his decision to retire from journalism to pursue a life of boundless hedonism and degenerate self-gratification.  Regarding  the change of heart, Smaktakula says, “I felt I was needed here.”

As proof of  his intentions, Smaktakula announced that he has bequeathed his Chadian bonanza to several worthwhile charities: “Let’s see . . . the retarded kids, I think . . .and uh, I’m pretty sure Jerry’s Kids–there’s something wrong with them, right?–and–and kids with no heads.  Look, you said you’d stick to the questions we agreed upon.”  Moreover, Smaktakula has also donated the remaining funds in his checking account, including the $4,500 his Aunt Lois gave him after he finally completed a treatment program.

Smaktakula Was Forced To Sell Many Of His Objects d'Art To Settle A Few Outstanding Bills.

Knowing that his money is helping retards and kids with no heads has been a profound emotional experience for Smaktakula.  “When I think about it,” he says, “I break down and cry like a little baby.”  This author was treated to such a display after arriving ten minutes early for our interview; Smaktakula lay on the cold, stone floor of his apartment in his mother’s garage, fetal and twitching.  After he was covered with a blanket, the pitiable wretch became calmer, at which point it was a matter of waiting out his quiet, snuffling sobs.

Smaktakula is delighted to be back in the saddle, but hopes that no one was offended by the quotations he claims were misattributed to him by Promethean Times.  “I never called anyone ‘bitches,'” he argues.  “I said ‘witches,’ as in evil practitioners of the occult and concubines of Satan himself.”  He adds, “Which I am totally, completely and 100% against.”

For Having Been The Recipient Of Such A Gift, Smaktakula Is Surprisingly Ungenerous To Chad: "Those People Can Rot In Hell!"

Black Widow Living In Well-Deserved Squalor

03 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Black Widow, cooze, Emmanuel Lewis, Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman's widow, gold digger, living in squalor, Lynndie England, meal ticket, places that suck, Sao Paulo, schadenfreude, Shannon Price, small black actor, tabloids, The Globe, treachery, Utah, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Don't Waste Your Energy Feeling Sorry For Shannon. Seriously--The Chick's A Cooze.

Fans of Schadenfreude were thrilled by the news that Shannon Price, best known for her half-marriage with half-man Gary Coleman, is living like a filthy animal.  In Utah!  It seems that the unrepentant black widow still resides in the home she mooched from her tiny meal ticket and in which she let him die, only now the home is occupied by actual black widows–also Price’s dad, her brother, several hounds and about 3,600 cubic feet of refuse.

"For Reals--The Thing Hangs All The Way To My Knees. Still, She Won't Touch Me."

For some, it may be instinctive to pity Ms. Price for maintaining her home like a São Paulo shanty, just as they might a hamster long untended by its keeper and forced to eat its own droppings to gain a few more precious hours of life.  This charity is undeserved; anyone feeling sorry for the strawberry strumpet either ignores or has forgotten that she wasted precious minutes getting her shit together while her twitching ex-husband lay dying on the concrete floor of the laundry room.  In a final indignity, she posed for pictures with Coleman on his deathbed before selling the images to the insipid British tabloid, The Globe.

We Are Mystified As To Why Gary's Parents Did Not Invite This Cooze To The Actor's Funeral.

Adding to the enormity of her coozehood is Price’s ridiculous claim that it would somehow upset her deceased ex-husband if he knew she was living this way. Coleman, known for his misanthropic love of trains and little else, would most likely be pained only to learn that the talentless Yoko was still living.

Gary's Unquiet Spirit Was Profoundly Moved To Hear Of Shannon's Plight.

Although she is content for the present to live like a rodent in a urine-soaked flyfarm, Price’s future remains a mystery.  The only thing anyone knows for sure is that Emmanuel Lewis isn’t returning her calls.

Shannon Chooses As Her Role Models Take-Charge Gals Who Like To Have A Good Time And Aren't Afraid To Make A Mistake.

All We Want For Christmas

24 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"Want Some?", bad pick-up lines, Christmas, fat and stupid people, fat people, fatties, judge not lest ye be judged, losers, obesity, people of size, schadenfreude, stupid people, useless crap store, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, world peace

From The Promethean Times‘ Staff

If We Could Be Greedy And Ask For A Second Thing, It Would Be To Eliminate The Kind Of Useless Crap Store Where You Might Purchase A Card Such As This.

It’s not any sweater, stereo, gadget, gizmo, geegaw, doodad or accoutrement.

It’s not cash or gift cards.

It certainly isn’t world peace.

Our sole and fervent wish this December 25th is a simple one:  What we want is to extract a promise from nature, that no matter how badly our lives turn out, we’ll never, ever become this guy:

"Hey Ladies--Got Any German In Ya?"

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