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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Oprah Winfrey

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

Beat The Heat With Schadenfreude!

06 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

dickheadedness, making friends, Oprah Winfrey, places that don't suck, San Luis Obispo, schadenfreude, SLO, yes we're jerks

By Smaktakula

Aw, Cheer Up, Grumpus!

With record temperatures baking the nation, the highways and Interstates clogged with holiday travellers and the myriad pressures of the work-a-day world, it’s a fair bet somebody could use a laugh today.

Promethean Times is headquartered in San Luis Obispo County, California, which is situated on the coast between better-known counties, Santa Barbara and Monterey. Nonetheless, our little patch of the world has attracted some attention–a no-less authoritative source than the nigh-deific Oprah Winfrey has declared San Luis Obispo to be the “Happiest City in America.”

In the following video, Lady Winfrey dispatches her humpalicious lackey, Jenny McCarthy, to investigate the secret behind “the SLO life.”

 Jenny’s a ‘tard, but we really do know our neighbors. Lately, I’ve heard people bandy about a lot of shit about the supposed phoniness of the phrase “Have a nice day” or the Hollywood shallowness of Californians, but that’s not what I see.

Here’s a non-Oprah (and completely unbiased) testament to our greatness:

As this goes to press at 3:45 PM PST (Proper Standard Time), the temperature in SLO is somewhere around 75 degrees.

And that’s where we live!

Hey, Thanks A Lot For Letting Us Share, Gang!

But wait! you say, That wasn’t funny! That wasn’t funny at all. I thought you said somebody needed a laugh!

We’re very sorry that you misunderstood, but if it helps–we’re laughing.

Much love, everybody. Stay cool. ∞ T.

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

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WORD.

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