By Smaktakula

And I Looked, And Behold A Pale Horse: And His Name That Sat On Him Was Death, And Hell Followed With Him.

Although originating in 16th Century Switzerland, the Amish have become a particularly American institution. The Amish remain America’s last primitive people now that gambling dollars have ushered Native Americans into the 21st Century. These simple folk are known for eschewing modern conveniences like electricity or buttons, and for their insular society. They are perhaps most famous for their pacifism. In fact, it has often been suggested that beating on an Amish person is almost a “freebie.”

The Amish: The Secret To Their Legendary Strength Is In Their Unshorn Locks.

Not any  more. A violent internecine war has erupted among the Amish in a handful of Eastern Ohio counties, resulting in the tragic emasculation of several young men. Behind it all, authorities say, is Sam Mullet, leader of a breakaway faction, the Bergholz Clan.

The Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh And This Dude–They’ve All Got ‘The Look.’

For reasons known only to these horse & buggy hooligans, a schism has arisen within their ranks. Mullet, the patriarch of one faction, used this feud as an excuse for vicious Amish-on-Amish violence that has led to hate crime charges for Mullet and his followers.

Realistically, Society Has Little To Fear From An Anachronistic Fundamentalist Sect Headed By A Bearded Megalomaniac With A Mad-On Against Secular Culture.

Police say that Mullet directed his sons, and several other community ruffians, to publicly shame members of a rival faction. The Bergholz Boys did just that, surprising their enemies with a most un-Amish tactic: violence. Unable to resist, the rivals could only watch helplessly as they were shorn of the beards which symbolize their manhood within Amish society.

Apparently, The Attack Occurred During A Casting Call For The Part of ‘Moe Howard’ In The Upcoming ‘3 Stooges’ Movie.

Although Mullet and three of his henchmen are currently being held without bail, Mullet is said to steadfastly believe that “God’s justice will prevail.” He’s also proud of his unique status  in triggering hate crime charges for crimes against protestant, heterosexual white people.

You’d Better, Motherfucker.