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Tag Archives: Native Americans

Amish v. Amish: Beardwars!

30 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Religion

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Amish, Amish v. Amish, Bergolz Clan, gambling, hate crime, internecine violence, mullets, Native Americans, Ohio, Pennsylvania Dutch, Revelation 6:8, Switzerland, Timothy McVeigh, Tom Mullet, Unabomber, violence

By Smaktakula

And I Looked, And Behold A Pale Horse: And His Name That Sat On Him Was Death, And Hell Followed With Him.

Although originating in 16th Century Switzerland, the Amish have become a particularly American institution. The Amish remain America’s last primitive people now that gambling dollars have ushered Native Americans into the 21st Century. These simple folk are known for eschewing modern conveniences like electricity or buttons, and for their insular society. They are perhaps most famous for their pacifism. In fact, it has often been suggested that beating on an Amish person is almost a “freebie.”

The Amish: The Secret To Their Legendary Strength Is In Their Unshorn Locks.

Not any  more. A violent internecine war has erupted among the Amish in a handful of Eastern Ohio counties, resulting in the tragic emasculation of several young men. Behind it all, authorities say, is Sam Mullet, leader of a breakaway faction, the Bergholz Clan.

The Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh And This Dude–They’ve All Got ‘The Look.’

For reasons known only to these horse & buggy hooligans, a schism has arisen within their ranks. Mullet, the patriarch of one faction, used this feud as an excuse for vicious Amish-on-Amish violence that has led to hate crime charges for Mullet and his followers.

Realistically, Society Has Little To Fear From An Anachronistic Fundamentalist Sect Headed By A Bearded Megalomaniac With A Mad-On Against Secular Culture.

Police say that Mullet directed his sons, and several other community ruffians, to publicly shame members of a rival faction. The Bergholz Boys did just that, surprising their enemies with a most un-Amish tactic: violence. Unable to resist, the rivals could only watch helplessly as they were shorn of the beards which symbolize their manhood within Amish society.

In court: The five Amish men accused of aggravated burglary and kidnapping who will go on trial

Apparently, The Attack Occurred During A Casting Call For The Part of ‘Moe Howard’ In The Upcoming ‘3 Stooges’ Movie.

Although Mullet and three of his henchmen are currently being held without bail, Mullet is said to steadfastly believe that “God’s justice will prevail.” He’s also proud of his unique status  in triggering hate crime charges for crimes against protestant, heterosexual white people.

You’d Better, Motherfucker.

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: I Am Such An Ah-So

24 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

dot-heads, fun with stereotypes, ignorance--it's what we do, Indians, Native Americans, racism, scalphunters, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales

By Tardsie

To Get Your Head Around This Story, It Might Be Helpful To Picture Tardsie With Not Just Arms And Legs, But A Big Fat Mouth As Well.

It’s bad to be a racist, but it’s worse to be a bad racist.

When I was a kid, I was an obnoxious little snot, whose quick mouth earned me many a well-deserved ass-kicking. One time, in fifth grade, I was picking on an Indian kid (dot-head, not scalphunter). Being a racially insensitive lad (a trait which, as the previous parenthetical notations so ably demonstrate, I’ve thankfully outgrown) I decided to go ethnic.

As Difficult As It May Be For You To Believe, There Was A Time When We Were Really Insensitive.

You may wonder, Gentle Readers, whether I would have been more inclined to be sensitive had not the boy, whom we’ll call ‘Indian Kid’ (not his real name), and his younger brother, ‘Indian Kid’s Little Brother’, been the only Indian kids in school. I leave that matter for our readership to determine.

Actually, They Looked Nothing Like This.

Already brave and courteous, I created a perfect storm of honor by displaying my ignorance not only of other cultures, but more damningly, of the proper slurs by which to insult them. The best I could come up with for Indian Kid was “Ah-So!” like the stereotypical Hollywood ‘Chinaman’ of the thirties and forties. And of course, I went ‘Full Celestial,’ bucking out my teeth,  squinting my eyes, and topping it off with a little clasp-handed bow.

Yeah, That's Pretty Much It Right There.

Indian Kid actually put up with about a half-day of my horse-shit–‘Ah-Sos’ in the lunch line and on the playground, solemn bows from across the room during class–before he’d finally had enough, and decided to tell somebody during the long, after-lunch recess. But apparently, Indian Kid had misunderstood me–he told the playground monitor that I had called him an asshole.

You'd Think I Could At Least Have Come Up With This, But I Was Drawing A Blank.

When the playground monitor, Lady Who Spent Her Childhood In A Japanese Internment Camp During WWII (not her real name), asked me if I’d called Indian Kid an asshole, I told her, “Yes. Yes, that’s just what I called him.”

I Learned A Valuable Lesson, But Just What Exactly Is Open To Debate.

Headlines 02.09.12

09 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

arson, bad parents, creepy, dolphins, drunken Native Americans, ethnic pandering, headlines, Jack Daniels, Jamie Lynn Spears, khat, Latinos, Los Angeles, Mitt Romney, Mogadishu, Native Americans, New Jersey, New York Giants, Newt Gingrich, Penn St., places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, Rick Santorum, ShamWow!, ShamWow! Vince, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, Survivor, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, ugly people, US Navy, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

We respond to today’s headlines without first reading the stories!

Whatever. We’ll Continue To Invest Our Assets In Lottery Tickets.

Parenting After Penn State: Can We Trust Coaches with Our Kids? ~ As much as we ever could.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

This Undulant Curiosity Comes With Its Own Event Horizon.

Cops: Boy, 5, stabbed three over juice ~ You’d think after the first stabbing they’d just give the kid his fucking juice.

Santorum Surges, Romney Shrugs ~ Ew.  You know what that means, right?

Should teams lose for Luck? ~ Good question, Confucius.  We’ve got one for you: should a person starve himself for satiety?

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins can’t even keep their asses out of tuna nets.

‘Little Help?’

Unconsciously, Everyone Wants to Date a Hottie ~ But only unconsciously.  Our conscious mind directs us to copulate with fuglies.

Wild find: Half grizzly, half polar bear ~ 100% AWESOME!

Fun in Mogadishu? Indeed! ~ If you’re a khat-crazed buccaneer.

Jamie Lynn Spears: I’m Afraid of Not Being a Good Mom ~ Some fears are justified.

LA arson probe: Person of interest had ‘creepy’ smile, witness says ~ He totally did it, then.  The creepy smile is how you can tell.

What You’re Buying Is The Serial-Killer Smile; The ShamWow! Is An Extra.

What will Giants need to do in order to repeat? ~ Win another Super Bowl, ass.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that remains a mystery.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.

Native Americans, given less time to vote for president, sue SD ~ They always end up voting for Jack Daniels anyway.

“The Great Spirit Says I Must Seek A Vision.”

Former Survivor member sues Gingrich for using “Eye of Tiger” ~ You’d think they’d be thanking Gingrich–that song is about as old as he is.

Elderly Woman Leaves Condo To Homeless ~ And now no one wants to live there.

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ They can help THEMSELVES stay out of a nursing home by helping Smaktakula out with a little ‘Beanie Baby’ money.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ You best watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up scrubbing your own floors.

We’ve Practically Made Ethnic Pandering Into A Science.

More Fun With Headlines:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII

Scalped!

17 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Indian casino, Indians, jizzmastre, Native Americans, prostitution, Right Said Fred, scalpers, scalping, sex worker, tickets, transients

By Smaktakula

We'll Bet Mom And Dad Had Big Dreams For You.

Unless you’re a friendless, housebound wretch, you’ve been to a concert, sporting match or other public gathering for which the purchase of tickets is required.  If you have, you’ve no doubt fought your way through the army of malodorous transients clustered around the entrance offering to sell you tickets.  These hard-working professionals are called scalpers.

Scalping: It Isn't Pretty.

The sobriquet is a reference to the grisly practice of tearing an enemy’s scalp from his head.  Despite these sensitive, stigma-erasing times, which have seen prostitutes elevated to sex workers and cum-catchers to jizzmastrae, the colorful term ‘scalper’ is, in the United States at least, the nearly-exclusive term for  these grey-market resellers.    The term has become so entrenched that it applies to anyone who resells tickets to a venue, apparently even if it’s a dude in buckskins hawking tickets to the Right Said Fred show at the Lucky Eagle Casino.

"There Will Be A Surcharge For Your Insensitivity."

Ugh! ∞ T.

Happy Columbus Day!

10 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christopher Columbus, Columbus Day, death by smallpox, Native Americans, smallpox, there goes the neighborhood, true meanings of holidays, Were you still using that?

"Smallpox? Can't Say I've Heard Of It. So...When Are You Guys Heading Back, Anyway?"

Headlines 05.11.11

11 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Music, News, Religion, Sport

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey

By Smaktakula

In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.

***

The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.

Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.

Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.

He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.

Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!

American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture.  The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’

Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.

South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.

The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.

Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?

Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.

Turns Out This Is A Fake.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.

Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts?  Who gets high from bath salts?  Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons.  While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.

“I Can Hear My Hair Growing!  Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”

For more fun with Headlines, you’ll want to check out:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
*Apologies. ∞T.

No Rice For You!

31 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

African-Americans, American mothers, Amy Chua, Asians of other than Chinese descent, bad parents, black people, childhood, China, Chinese mothers, cultural elitism, demanding parents, foot-binding, horrible jobs, infanticide, Latinos, Native Americans, parenting, preference for males in Chinese culture, racism, roundeyes, sacrificing youth, sinosuperiority, smug parents, superior mothers, sweatshops, tedium, thanks a lot mom, United States of America, Wall Street Journal, white people

By Smaktakula

Raise Your Hand If Yours Is A Life Of Joyless Tedium.

If you’ve been a student in any multi-ethnic society during the last twenty years, you may have noticed a particular scholastic trend among Asian students.  They do better than you.  Like most people, you probably figured that the Asian kids were simply smarter.  While such an intellectual disparity may be possible–even likely, it only tells half the story.  The secret to the Asian kid’s success isn’t simply her own intelligence, but that her parents are wildly superior to your lame-ass mom and dad.

The Chinese Way: Efficient, But Never At The Cost Of Human Dignity.

Or so says Amy Chua. Writing recently in the Wall Street Journal, Chua argues for the superiority of Chinese parenting, whose techniques she employs in her own parenting.  The author happily boasts about regimenting her daughters’ lives, gleefully excising any activity which does not contribute directly toward a Harvard matriculation.  Unlike lazy roundeye parents who place an inordinate value upon their children’s happiness and ability to control their own destinies, superior Chinese parents do things just a little bit differently.  The only real difference between an Americanized child and one of Chua’s hyper-achievers is that the loafing yankee gets to have sleepovers, play a musical instrument other than the piano or violin, have unstructured free time and to participate in the various carefree activities which constitute a normal childhood.

Sure, Why WOULDN'T She Thank You, Mom?

As might be expected, Ms. Chua’s opinions are not shared by everyone.  Many lackluster white, Latino, black and Asian-of-other-than-Chinese-descent mothers* take exception to Chua’s smarmy critique of their parenting.

Chua is dismissive of the idea that her behavior will cause her daughters to one day resent her.  “They already resent me.  I resent my mother, and she her mother before her.  But as long as my girls graduate first in their class at Harvard and enter into a loveless power marriage, I’ll be satisfied.”  When asked what would make her truly happy, Chua said, “Happiness is for chumps.”

Some observers note that Ms. Chua has not been completely honest when she claims to have raised her daughter in the traditional Chinese method.  For example, it appears her daughters can walk without difficulty, indicating that Chua has likely eschewed the ancient tradition of foot-binding.  Moreover, that the author has two daughters seems to fly in the face of her claims.  In traditional Chinese culture the young ladies would have been drowned at birth, preserving the family’s precious resources for a much-more valuable boy child.

Who's The Man?

*No data exists on the relative laziness of Native American mothers. ∞T.

Free Tibet! (Or Did That Already Happen?)

06 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abortion, adhesive decal, Americans' woeful lack of a global perspective, Asia, ass-talking, Barack Obama, bumper sticker mentality, China, Dalai Lama, Did we ever fix the Rain Forest?, Free Tibet flags, Free Tibet!, Free World, freeway pundits, Fugeeman, Haiti, Haitians don't play baseball, irony, irony sense, Ivory Coast, jackassery, John Edwards, John Kerry, KERRY/EDWARDS 2004, Macedonia, mythical creatures, mythical lands, Native Americans, Norway, OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!, people who want to sound smart but aren't, PISS, political bumper stickers, Political Intelligence Standards Survey, political philosophy, political slogans, post-Soviet, Promethean Times, Smaktakula's ability to shamelessly talk out of his ass, SMILE YOU WEREN'T ABORTED, South America, Soviet Union, Sri Lanka, stupid people, stupidity on display, sub-Saharan, Tibet, Tibetans, uninformed opinions, voodoo, we choose to use 'stupid' as a noun. What are you gonna do?, we don't know what we're talking about, Wendigo, William Faulkner, Wyclef Jean, Yeti

By Smaktakula

Sure, Sure--It's Super Important, But We Have Some Questions First.

It’s a challenge to drive any distance these days without seeing the ubiquitous political bumper sticker, in which complex and deeply-nuanced issues are boiled down to a sloganized reduction so bereft of substance that it makes the average high-schooler’s Tweet seem Faulknerian by comparison.  From SMILE YOU WEREN’T ABORTED’s stealthy smugness to the charmingly pathetic earnestness of KERRY/EDWARDS 2004, political bumper stickers proclaim a myriad of simplistic political philosophies expressed in varying degrees of screechiness.

FREE TIBET saw its heyday as a cause célèbre in the heady days of the Post-Soviet 1990s, when anything seemed possible–even affecting global change through the power of an adhesive decal.  Even so, FREE TIBET still doggedly clamors for attention from the rear bumpers of those who refuse to forget.

Tibetans Such As Man-Who-Watches-Sky Wonder When The Great Spirit Will End Their Oppression.

But do they know what they remember?  After seeing a certain musician (whom we choose not to name, but who recently attempted a laughably anticlimactic run at the presidency of an impoverished, voodoo-loving, non-baseball playing nation in the Caribbean) fail spectacularly to comment coherently on the situation, we began to wonder how much Tibet’s defenders actually know about the tiny, oppressed nation.  So we devised a simple test.

Although Promethean Times lives and dies on Freedom of Expression, we believe also in the responsibility to voluntarily limit that freedom to those spheres of knowledge in which the speaker has at least a rudimentary grasp of the subject.  We do not question the right of any man, woman or child to speak out of his or her ass–Promethean Times is both a proponent of and adherent to the delicately-disciplined ballet that is ass-talking–but to trumpet one’s ignorance publicly from the back of a car is not only a blaring admission of that ignorance, but allows observers to match the stupid to a face.

Tibet Boasts A Host Of Aboriginal Cultures.

Which is why Promethean Times endorses the Political Intelligence Standards Survey, a voluntary program whereby the owners of political bumper stickers would submit to a brief test of their knowledge on the subject about which they wish so stridently to opine.  Those freeway pundits able to pass the test would be able to tell the world not only that OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!, but also to proudly proclaim that they have at least a half-formed idea of what a socialist is.

For the FREE TIBET crowd we recommend asking “On which continent will you find Tibet?”  In a perfect world the respondent would be able to name the country from which beleaguered Tibet seeks to gain its independence, but after much debate we decided that was probably asking for too much from today’s geographically-disinclined society.

The Yeti (Seen Here) And The Dalai Lama Are Two Of Tibet's More Famous Mythical Creatures.

The upshot is that the situation in Tibet is very serious, and threatens to spill over into neighboring Ivory Coast and Macedonia, with violence potentially spreading widely enough even to affect fake countries like Sri Lanka.  Until the Norwegian government sees fit to bring real freedom to the brave people of this tiny sub-Saharan nation, the Free World should never expect real peace in South America.

Well, We've Done Our Part.

Given that the above is 100% true, we’re not exactly sure why our Irony Sense goes wild at the fact that until recently some FREE TIBET flags were made in China. ∞T.

Advent Of America A Pivotal Moment In Turkey History

25 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bald eagle, Benjamin Franklin, Chief Wahoo, Dallas Cowboys, eagles, football, hindsight is 20/20, Indians, national symbol, Native Americans, Thanksgiving, the first Thanksgiving, true meanings of holidays, turkeys, United States of America

By Smaktakula

Benjamin Franklin Played Many Roles: Inventor, Founding Father and World-Class Skonk. Understandably, He's Not So Much Remembered For The Turkey Thing.

If Founding Father Benjamin Franklin had his way, the role of turkeys in American society might be very different.  In writing a letter to his daughter, Franklin lamented that the eagle, rather than the turkey, was the new symbol of the young nation.

Comparing the turkey to the eagle, Franklin said:

“For the truth the Turkey is in comparison a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America.”

Hell No, Those Aren't Tumors! That's His Natural Beauty.

Had Franklin been more forceful, the turkey might today be the symbol of the United States.  Who knows?  In such a scenario, it’s likely that American’s would no longer find appetizing the thought of a turkey’s charred carcass, and instead might enjoy a traditional bald eagle egg omelette.

"The Very First Thanksgiving Was A Pivotal Moment For My People, One We Could Not Have Foreseen. Looking Back, Perhaps We Should Have Let The Newcomers Starve."

"YA THINK?"

Dudes–keep it down, the game’s on.  Let’s go, Cowboys!

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: The Little Big Horn

28 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

7th Cavalry, Cheyenne, Custer's Last Stand, General George Armstrong Custer, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Holy Shit! Look at all those fucking Indians!, Indians, Lakota, Little Big Horn, Montana Territory, Native Americans, Sioux, Sitting Bull, that trick never works, The Battle of the Little Big Horn, The Indian Wars, unimproved red men, United States Army, United States of America, Wounded Knee Massacre, Yellow Hair

June 25, 1876: On Which The Sioux Are Made To Understand That Their Way Of Life Will No Longer Be Tolerated.
See you guys at Wounded Knee!  Be sure to bring the family.
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