In which we respond to real headlines without first bothering to read the articles.
Why nobody calls when you apply for a job ~ Because–and I mean this in the nicest way possible–you fucking suck.
7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders ~ Well, actually crippling them is one, obviously.
Neil Patrick Harris is happy to host the Emmys ~ ‘Happy’ is obviously code for gay. Think about it: who would actually enjoy hosting the Emmys?
‘Ghost baby’ born w/o blood in Orange County ~ That’s a ‘vampire baby’ you nitwit.
Police sting prostitutes after recent attacks on sex workers ~ “We’re protecting these women by aggressively prosecuting them for selling something they’d be perfectly within their rights to just give away.”
Why ‘war on poverty’ not over ~ ‘Cause there are still poor people left alive?
Grandpa Saves Himself, Leaves 3 Young Grandkids Behind… ~Gramps didn’t get as old as he has by taking a lot of unnecessary risks.
8 College Degrees with the Worst Return on Investment ~ Smaktakula has two of them!
JFK and FDR had 1 weird trick that can let you retire 100% tax-free. ~ And yet they both were forced to work right up until the time of their deaths. Sounds like a great trick.
Why Biden won’t win ~ Because, say what you will, America hasn’t completely lost its fucking mind.
Could you pass a US citizenship test? ~ Of course I can. I am neither stupid nor a foreigner.
3 Ways Guys Can Drop 20lbs Quickly ~ One is to hack off your own leg with a wood ax. You should probably check out the other two first, though.
Skiing in My Own Backyard ~ Is what poor people do.
What is a father supposed to call his daughter’s minky moo? ~ Ewww! Not that! Never that.
The Crisis in Contemporary Ballet ~ Well, for one thing, it’s completely gay–and not just in the homosexual way.
Would you tell your kids you got high? ~ Oh man, I am so not looking forward to that conversation.
How Much Money Should Moms Be Paid? ~ Assuming Mom has a job outside the home, she should be paid approximately 70% of that job’s salary.
Why more Puerto Ricans are living in mainland U.S. than in Puerto Rico ~ Esto es “no-brainer.”
When my daughter ran into a burning car: to save her doll ~ We became childless.
Why You Should Color Your Gray At Home ~ Because nobody needs to see that grim Brillo-Pad of yours out in public.