I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry

By Tardsie

Man, you have no idea how many times I find myself saying or thinking that.

No, Not For Any Particular Reason.

Have a great weekend, folks!

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Posted in Philosophy, True-Ass Tales | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.


15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

‘Short-man syndrome’ is real Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.


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Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing


I first posted this a year ago tomorrow, and I expect a lot of you have already seen it. However, it’s something I believe fiercely, and it seems as appropriate now as it did then. Remember, we only get one trip through life*, so do it the best you can.
*Excepting, of course, Hindus and other faiths whose beliefs incorporate reincarnation. But even in those instances, you’ve still got a vested interest in getting it right. Nobody wants to come back as a flatworm.

Originally posted on Promethean Times:

By Tardsie

It’s In Here Somewhere….

In which a conclusion is drawn, many “umms” and “y’knows” are uttered, and the author’s resemblance to Greta Van Susteren becomes painfully obvious.

Further Reading:

Mama said wisely, “A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.  Remember this thing.  I have known boys forty years old because there was no need for a man.”

John Steinbeck


Of all that is written I love only what a man has written with his blood.  Write with blood, and you will experience that blood is spirit.

Friedrich Nietzsche


What cannot be cured must be endured.

Old Maxim


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Posted in Culture | 1 Comment

To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before

By Tardsie

You Were All Pretty Awesome. Thanks.

The Crush: It wasn’t love, but it was something like it; a one-sided stage rehearsal for the real thing. I ached for you; you know that now. It made me laugh a little to find out years later it would have been mine for the taking, if only I’d mustered the courage to ask. You taught me, belatedly, to take a chance on great things.

The Choir Girl: I’m sorry for how I was–not bad, but not good, either. You deserved better and you found it. I could have learned a lot from you if I’d been willing to listen.

The English Department Darling: Just about the time I thought maybe I could love you it was over. You broke up with me for a reason neither of us really understood, launching a misguided comeback attempt a few months later when it was already too late. All these years later, and you’re still alone. You taught me that life is too short for games.

The Freshman: You were special, and I didn’t take the time to see that. About the only thing I can say in my defense is that I didn’t set out to break your heart. I can’t change what I did, but I can bring my boys up to hopefully be better men than their father. You taught me to be less capricious with my affections, and I’m sorry the lesson was so hard-learned.

The First Love: I’d known lots of girls before you, but I’d never loved them.  I still feel warm when I think of you. You taught me to love hard and to love without reservation. You taught me that some mistakes are forever.

The Accountant: Such a straight-arrow. Laces tied and corners trimmed. Still, you gave me freedom; your only rule for me was “Don’t be high around my parents,” and I never was–they were very kind to me. It didn’t work out, but we’re still friends, and you were so very good for me. You taught me what it was to be an adult.

The Playwright: A first-class muse and a beast in the sack, you taught me to trust myself as a writer and how a lot of hustle can make a little talent go a very long way. I couldn’t make you happy, though, and you taught me that I need a girl who is happy on her own. You’re married now and have a child. I hope you’re happy; I really do.

My Wife: The best of the bunch, and the true beneficiary of all those lessons I learned along the way. I met you when I was seventeen years old, before any of the others. All these years later, you’re still here. My patient, beautiful, loving angel. You are so much more than I deserve.

Posted in Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

My Missing Medal

By Smaktakula

Wow! It’s Just So Weird That You Brought That Up…

Sometimes, when you mention a grievance or accomplishment, large or small, some would-be-funnyman will pipe up, “Do you want a medal or something?”

Next time this happens, tell him, “You’re goddamn right I want a medal. Let’s have it!”

Then, when he inevitably stumbles in his reply, tell him, “Your problem is that you make promises on which you have no intention of delivering. That makes you a liar and a scoundrel. Good day to you, Sir!”

With Or Without The Medal, You’re Pretty Special Just The Way You Are.

Posted in Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka


True story: On Thursday I’ll be driving down to LA to have dinner with a couple of friends, one of whom is from Sri Lanka. Not only do I plan to record some of the things my Sri Lankan friend says, but I will actually repeat them back to him IN HIS OWN ACCENT! And that will make the trip a tax-deductible business expense. God Bless America!
As a way of saying thank you to my friend in advance, Promethean Times is proud to trot out this golden oldie.

Originally posted on Promethean Times:

By Smaktakula

Much Like Oz Or Atlantis, This Mythical Land Has Inspired The Imagination For Over 50 Years.

In recent months, international news has been replete with stories about Sri Lanka, from the hot and cold civil war between the government and the Tamil Tigers which ravished the tiny nation from 1983 to 2009, to the uneasy peace with exists today.  Thought not a cause célèbre like Tibet or Haiti, Sri Lanka is a region of concern for geopolitical strategists.  A simple internet search for Sri Lanka reveals thousands upon thousands of hits.  But does such a country even exist?

Cartographers say it does.  And on nothing more than the word of these men and women, millions of maps are made to their specifications.  Promethean Times questions the wisdom of placing so much power in the hands of such a small cadre.  It doesn’t take a genius to…

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Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

By Smaktakula

We Believe It Is Vitally Important To Treat An Issue With The Same Respect You Would Accord To Any Other Issue.

In which we celebrate our awe-inspiring ignorance by commenting on the headlines to articles we can’t be bothered to read.


The Reasons Kim and Kanye Picked The Name “ North ” May Surprise You ~ So it isn’t because they’re both brain-dead half-wits? Because, yeah–anything else WOULD be a surprise.

America’s new Irish immigrants ~ Every bit as drunken and shiftless as the last batch.

Vote: Should Marijuana Users Be Arrested? Hmm. You know, a better question might be, “Should you go fuck yourself?” You already know our answer.

Ark. SWAT officers kill man, 107, in standoff Seems like maybe they could have waited around for just a little while and let nature do the messy work for them.

Seahorses stalk their prey by stealth As opposed to the many, many animals which prefer to stalk their prey by making a god-awful racket.

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis ‘shaken, not stirred’ Because James Bond has a very serious drinking problem, and his friends are terrified to talk to him about it.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

The Ridiculous Things Lost On NYC Trains ~ We don’t consider a 14-year-old’s virginity to be at all ridiculous.

Why We Cry on Planes Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

Does doing yoga make you a Hindu? We dunno. Does blowing shit up make you a Muslim?

Why A Peanut Butter Test For Alzheimer’s Might Be Too Simple ~ For the same reason that the Saltine Cracker AIDS test was a bust.

5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”

Can TIME Predict Your Politics? ~ TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover. Grow up.

“But What Do The Kardashians Feel Is The Best Solution To Stem The Seemingly Intractable Internecine Bloodshed In South Sudan?”

Paul Walker’s Last Words Revealed “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Would You Date a Much Younger Man? How much younger? ‘Cause at a certain point, it starts to get a little…you know…illegal.

Atomic bomb nearly exploded over North Carolina in 1961, report says Which would have been awful, sure–but we’d still have South Carolina. It’s not like we need ‘em both, anyway; in a pinch, we could make do with just one Carolina.

Why I shun the Champs Elysees ~ Because it’s infested with Frenchmen. Duh.

The 4 Dangers Destroying Men ~ 1) Women, 2) Ladies, 3) Chicks, and in the case of gay men, 4) Gal Pals.

Restaurant Report: Chinese buffet facing violations ~ Well, if it met health and safety standards, it just wouldn’t be a Chinese buffet, now would it?

“Taste Just Like Chicken!”

5 simple things a tired mama wants for Christmas ~ Baby, I got everything you need right here in my pants–it’s a gift certificate for the day spa. You’re so special!

LBJ’s reaction to JFK’s death ~ “Hah! We got that son of a bitch!”

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Cheney Feared Terrorists Could Hack His Heart Are you reading this, Hamid?

Suzanne Somers is having sex — and a lot of it ~ Titillating is to disgusting as 1981 is to 2014.

Figure skating champ Boitano says he’s gay It’s hard to say how this stunning revelation will play out in the hyper-masculine world of men’s figure skating.

It May Not Be This Year, Or Even The Next, But Someday Men’s Figure Skating Will Have To Embrace Tolerance.

Whether you like it or not, the U.S. needs Mexico It’s like the pretty girl who brings her ugly friend to parties.

Iran says all sides agree to N-deal But still, no one can actually bring themselves to say the N-Word.

Erich Priebke, Nazi Who Carried Out Massacre of 335 Italians, Dies at 100 Hopefully this will put it in perspective for you: God doesn’t care about Italians.

Am I Bankrupting Social Security by Taking Benefits I May Not Need? ~ Heavens, no! Cowardly politicians are bankrupting it by refusing to address it in any meaningful way.

Woman’s Husband Told Her She’s Not Pretty Enough Still looking for the last honest man?

You Won’t Believe the Jobs Walmart Is Creating ~ Shitty ones.

Well, How Can You Be Trusted To Help Me When You Can’t Be Trusted To Make Sound Career Choices?

Posted in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Headlines, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments