In which, armed with nothing more than a severely attenuated attention span and an ignorance both boundless and sublime, we respond to the news headlines of the day without bothering to first read the articles.
Puppy survives after being locked in car for almost a month ~ And he’ll no doubt think twice next time before chewing Daddy’s new putter.
Will my wife learn to love her vibrator more than me? ~ Totally. Dude, you’re fucked. Not literally, obviously.
Do American Jews Live in a Cocoon? ~ How is it fair that you get away with saying a thing like that? That time when Smaktakula said that Jewish people were terrifying moth-like creatures, HE lost his job!
Good advice on dying more slowly ~Try for a gut wound. It’ll take you all day to die.
Superman took my virginity ~ Is but one of the many titillating revelations to be found in the pages of the forthcoming memoir, “I Was A Teenage Robin.”
Did Your School Make This Exclusive List? ~ You know it didn’t, and I don’t think it’s very nice the way you keep asking.
Why is math easier for some kids than for others? ~ Because some kids are Asian.
Italian family buries mother they said was still alive ~ “She was…eh…how you say?…a beech.”
What Can Bitcoin Buy? No More Heroin, but Baklava and a Dinner Date ~ Yeah, well we can buy that stuff with grown-up money, thank you very much.
Funeral director says Chicago gun violence destroying city ~ “Which is why I moved my gigantic mansion to the suburbs. So sad.”
Puppy stolen at San Luis Obispo adoption event ~ We’d call that an undocumented adoption.
Killing a Patient to Save His Life ~ Is a notion that’s absurd on its very face.
It’s OK to Like ‘The Big Bang Theory’ ~ Look, simply saying a thing doesn’t make it true.
Poll: Did you ignore the experts’ advice on when to feed a baby solid food? ~ There are people who are willing to give you advice on that kind of thing?
CNN Poll: Afghanistan Least-Popular War in US History ~ Really? And not the American Civil War? ‘Cause in that one, literally everyone who died was one of our boys.
Why You Hate The Sound Of Your Own Voice ~ It’s like you don’t even know me.
Has ‘Glee’ Officially Taken It Too Far? ~ Oh, please. Okay, first of all, for something to be declared “official”, some sort of governing body must exist with the authority to make pronouncements regarding how far “it” has been taken. Moreover, in the ridiculously unlikely event that a network television show did somehow manage to find itself “taking it too far”, it’s a pretty safe bet that show wouldn’t be a cloying time-killer aimed at campy gay dudes and lonely spinsters.
Man Returns from Prison to Find Dead Wife’s Mummified Remains ~ Right where he left them.
Man jumps to his death rather than continue shopping with his girlfriend ~ We’ve all been there, buddy.
Cal Poly proposal would ban kegs, drinking games at Greek parties ~ Hell, you might as well just got to a community college then.
Samurai Sword-Wielding Lesbian Murders Woman With Her Car ~ Why does it matter that a) she’s a lesbian, and b) that she was wielding a Samurai-sword, since it was a car she killed the other chick with?
Does Any Language Have Tritransitive Verbs? ~ I’m kind of a grammar nerd, but even I want to shove your head into a toilet right now.
Jermaine Jackson — Michael Jackson Would’ve Set Justin Bieber Straight ~ By which he means that his brother would have molested a preteen Justin Bieber.
Where Did Ebola Come From? Likely One Person, Gene Study Finds ~ Well, that dude’s a dick, then!
Is sex only for rich people? ~ If that really were true, do you think there would still be so many poor people running around all over the place?