In Which We Celebrate Diversity.
Afghanistan, bizarre sex acts, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, Egypt, English, fat people, Florida, Flowbee, gay people, headlines, Honduras, Jon Gosselin, LSD, Miley Cyrus, military coup, places that suck, prison, Rapture, Thailand, toddlers & tiaras, untalented stars, Why am I so fat?, zombies
Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.
Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.
Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.
Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.
In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.
Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.
B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.
Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.
What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?
Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.
Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.
Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.
Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.
Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.
How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.
Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.
Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.
Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.
The American Language is an adaptive and remarkable tongue, borrowing unhesitatingly from other languages such as Latin, German and English. But this easy exchange of language is dependent at the very least upon non-hostility between America and the lucky nation whose language is being appropriated. When relations between the US and the donor country are strained, language is often the first victim.
Anti-German sentiment during the First World War caused significant changes in language. Not only did the British ruling family, then known as the House of Saxe-Coburg, change its name to the more Anglo-acceptable (and decidedly Hallmarky) name of ‘Windsor,’ but also prompted Americans to change the names of foodstuffs such as Frankfurters and sauerkraut. The hot-dogs earned the ridiculous sobriquet ‘Liberty Pups,’ while the inedible rancid condiment was called ‘Liberty Cabbage.’
Increasingly, however, Americans have grown too stupid even to recognize words as being of foreign origin, and tend to express their frustrations toward words which so obviously pertain to foreign cultures as to be unmistakable. A relatively recent example of this was during the United States’ Second Groovy Gulf Adventure, when France, heretofore such a reliable and staunch ally, did not count itself among the ‘Coalition of the Willing.” Jacques Chirac, the then-French President, stated unequivocally that French forces would not be used for military adventurism, but would instead stand ready for the inevitable day when they would be once again called upon to surrender their beloved homeland to the invading Germans. Americans responded by changing the name of the one French thing everybody could identify: French Fries. That’s why today, every red-blooded American patriot still calls the greasy little spuds ‘Freedom Fries.’
However, is it enough to simply change the name of a single–if popular–artery-clogging snack? Of course it isn’t–and if you had to think about that answer, ‘Comrade,’ then you’ve clearly demonstrated on which side of the Axis of Evil you rotate. Effective immediately, Promethean Times demands that all good Americans (by which we mean the world’s population) refer to “French” concepts by their newly coined acceptable patriotic substitutes.
French Cuffs: Freedom Cuffs
French Kissing: Liberty Licking
French Door: Escape Hatch
French Manicure: The Columbia Clip
French’s Mustard: La Sauce de Capitulation (colloquially known as ‘surrender sauce’)
French Curve: Triumphant Arch (see what we did there?)
French Braid: Bad Hair Day
French Roast: Shock & Java
French Stewart: Indiana Jones
The French Connection: Syphilis