By Smaktakula

All too often sexual revisionists claim that the sex act is natural and beautiful, and that moreover, there is nothing filthy, disgusting or iniquitous in two human beings rutting like wild turkeys.  Such advice is not only scurrilously untrue, but represents a growing threat to the fabric of society.  Sexual intercourse, which has been identified in several reputable studies as a potential trigger for the production of offspring, often leads to venereal disease, shame–and in extreme cases, marriage.  The dangers posed to our society by climate change or America-hating Islamofascists pale when compared with the Beast With Two Backs.  This is amply illustrated in the sad story of Andrew Morche, a Farmington, Michigan police officer, who saw something that human eyes were not meant to see, and is still picking up the pieces of his shattered life.

Last month, Morche responded to a call alleging indecent activity in the parking lot of a local business, in full view of a ten-year-old child.  Arriving at Luigi’s Pizza Parlor, Morche reported seeing a Buick Regal with heavy condensation on the windows.  The vehicle was rocking slightly.

An experienced officer, Morche was prepared for a scene of carnal abandon.  However, it is likely that the officer failed to note the Buick’s vanity license plate, DIVA 145, before proceeding.  Had he made this small observation,  Morche would have in all probability been better prepared for the horror that followed. Instead, acting more from instinct and a sense of duty than anything else,  the courageous officer opened the Buick’s door, unwittingly exposing himself to the unnatural scene playing out before him.

The tableau revealed to the hapless officer was an abomination from Dante’s Inferno.: a mottled, writhing mass of sweat-streaked 126-year-old flesh.  At the epicenter of the nastiness was 54-year-old Tim Adams.  Perched atop him and bucking like a leather-coated piston was desiccated old crone Rita Daniels, 71, whom it should be noted was born before the United States’ entry into World War II.

Greeted by such a sight, even the most grizzled amputee-porn enthusiast could be forgiven a momentary loss of composure.  Morche asked the painfully obvious question–just what was the couple doing?

The pair’s appalling lack of both shame and human dignity is evident in Adams’ reply.  Not only was he cognizant of his transgression against nature, but actually reveled in the filth, boasting, “I’m fucking this chick.”

Both suspects were booked for public indecency, and will have their day in court.  The victims who witnessed these unnatural acts are shaken, but in time they will heal and put the events of that ghastly September evening behind them.  However, if any good comes from this shameful episode, it will be the heightened public awareness of the dangers and pitfalls attendant with sexual relations.  Perhaps the story of Adams and Daniels can eclipse its own shame by reigniting a wave of American celibacy.