Tag Archives: Michigan

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

20 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

Headlines: 07.23.12

23 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Who Reads This, Really? That’s An Awful Lot Of Words.

In which we’re presumptuous enough to opine on the day’s headlines, but too damn lazy to read the articles.

***

8 Things You Didn’t Know About Restless Legs Syndrome ~ One of them is that it’s not a real disease.

‘Cat ladies’ more likely to commit suicide, scientists claim ~ This and much, much more in next month’s issue of Stop the Presses! America’s Most Trusted Source for News of the Painfully Obvious.

Why Women Love One-Night Stands ~ They enjoy having drunken intercourse with a person they’ll never have to see again, much as men do.

Police identify bodies found in Detroit River ~ But that’s all the time we have tonight. If you didn’t hear the name of your loved one’s water-swollen corpse announced on tonight’s show, tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Fishin’ the Motor City.”

Fear of clowns is serious ~ Sadly, your commitment to real journalism doesn’t appear to be.

And A Mime Is Nothing But A French Clown, So Double-Bad.

Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals ~ If you enjoyed the furor surrounding “Gays in the Military,” you’ll love “Who Left the Fucking Seat up in the Head?”

Twitter reaction: Does Penn State deserve the death penalty? ~ Not sure. But let us ask you this: does an issue as serious as the death penalty deserve your clumsy metaphor?

Hamas Suspends Voter Registration… ~ It was a purely a question of human resources. One more man out registering voters means one less busload of dead Israeli kids.

Father, son lose 260 pounds after weight loss surgery ~ This extraordinary achievement didn’t happen overnight, folks–it took a single-minded focus, dedication to the cause and years upon years of effort before that surgeon became certified to suck the rivers of lard from those two human baleen.

Miss Holocaust Survivor’ crowned in Israel ~ We heard it was a gas.  (Oh, like this wasn’t already in abominably poor taste even BEFORE we arrived on the scene?)

No Matter What Atrocities We Commit Against One Another, We Can Never Quench The Essential Dignity Of The Human Spirit.

Arkansas marijuana proposal needs more signatures ~ Given that it’s Arkansas, all one needs to do to sign the petition is to be able to scratch out a crude X.

Proposal for ‘English only’ city council meetings sparks debate in Walnut, Calif. ~ If by debate, you mean a top-volume screaming match in a rainbow of exotic tongues.

Have a sexy walk? You’re probably having a LOT of orgasms ~ Smaktakula often experiences spontaneous orgasms while walking, and while it never fails to arouse comments from witnesses, it has never been described as “sexy.” Certainly not by the authorities.

Irishman survives after great white shark attack in Australia ~ That shark had just celebrated ten years of sobriety. He wasn’t about to go throw all that away for one Irishman.

My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him? ~ We’ll answer this one seriously, because our typical smartassery cannot hope to do justice to such a profoundly serious marital issue. ABSOLUTELY you should divorce him. Do it right now! It’s not fair that your husband should be chained for the remainder of his days to such a fucked-up, games playing, frigid bitch. And might we suggest choosing as your next mate a fellow who’s just been released from the penitentiary? Having been so long denied the company of a woman, he’ll no doubt treat you like the precious little flower that you are.

‎In some Olympic sports, the US just doesn’t make the grade ~Then you can’t really consider them sports.

Just Because Estonians Are Crazy About It, Doesn’t Mean It’s Worth Doing.

The Upside of Letting Your Child Fail ~ Always having that failure to lord over him.

If Pot Were Truly Legal, Joints Would Cost Only a Few Cents ~ Folks, very often when writing these things, a headline will inspire two or more different gags, and we go with the one we like best. The provocative title above inspires literally so many different responses (almost entirely rancorous and replete with four-letter words) that the inside of Smaktakula’s skull sounds like the trading floor of the New Delhi Stock Exchange five minutes before the closing bell.

10 Ways the World Could End ~ One of them is ‘It Was All Just A Dream!’ That is such a fucking cop-out.

Is It Time to Stop Fearing Islamism? ~ Wait a sec while we check to see what’s going on in the world…hold on, checking…ah, there we go…Nope–still pretty scary.

Native American Communities Affected by Climate Change Plan for the Future ~ They’re stocking up on Old Granddad & Wild Turkey as we speak.

He’s Got Us There. We’re Joking About An Epidemic That Is Destroying A Culture Even The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Couldn’t Crush.

Nobel Peace Prize winners say US must lead global peace efforts, wars should … ~ Continuing the bold behavior which earned most of them the Peace Prize in the first place, talking about what other people should do to lead peace efforts.

10 Signs That Death is Near ~ #4: Massive, unstoppable bleeding.

Medical Marijuana: A Patient Perspective ~ It’s great. Really, we can’t speak highly enough about it. Heartily endorsed.

Boston U graduate student dies in fall in Turkey ~ That’s so romantic. Turkey is lovely in the fall.

A dog’s last moments photographed ~ “Oh my gosh–the look on Shep’s little doggie face when he finally realizes the truck isn’t going to stop in time–is that NOT just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”

Flint, Michigan: A Great Place To Be Raped And Killed

16 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

And Rape. Don't Forget Rape.

It’s easy to feel sorry for Flint, Michigan.  The decline of the American Auto industry has hit the decaying rust belt hellhole harder than most cities, and the town that gave us Michael Moore, Sandra Bernhard and Grand Funk Railroad is but a bleak, violence-torn shadow of the bustling, can-do city of yesteryear.  It’s no wonder that so many people believe Flint’s best days are behind it.

Although Today The Band Is Just A Nostalgia Act, Flint's Grand Funk Remains A Sad Reality.

But this view, which relies entirely upon conventional thinking, fails to take into account some very real superlatives.  While Flint may be completely lacking in viable industry, a reliable police force or a functioning infrastructure,  factors which have previously been used to determine a city’s livability, it nonetheless possesses unique features ripe for promotion.  One way in which Flint has for many years quietly distinguished itself is in the fact that there are few places in the United States where you are so likely to be brutally violated or killed.

Most Small Business Owners In Flint's Historic Downtown Prefer Cash Transactions, So Bring Plenty Of Bills. Maybe Also Some Pepper Spray.

If Flint’s City Fathers fail to embrace proactive strategies, they will be unable to capitalize on the Michigan cesspit’s surfeit of violence and murders.  They would do well to follow the example of the Chinese, who use the same word for both ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity,’* and turn their wheels into the skid.  Like Salem Massachusetts, which, after years of avoiding association with its shameful witch-slaughtering past, embraced its dark history in recent decades and is richer for it, Flint could benefit from highlighting rather than hiding the tide of pain and misery running through its streets.  Plain old Flint, Michigan might not be much of a draw for tourists, but who wouldn’t want to visit Killtown, USA?

Don't Hold Your Breath. He Didn't Do A Thing To Save New Orleans, And We've Gotta Tell You--That Place Is A Whole Lot More Fun.

*While this is not entirely factual, the trope has been repeated so often that it might as well be.  ∞T.

Sex: Still Dirty. Still Wrong.

11 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Look, You Have To Make Exceptions From Time To Time.

All too often sexual revisionists claim that the sex act is natural and beautiful, and that moreover, there is nothing filthy, disgusting or iniquitous in two human beings rutting like wild turkeys.  Such advice is not only scurrilously untrue, but represents a growing threat to the fabric of society.  Sexual intercourse, which has been identified in several reputable studies as a potential trigger for the production of offspring, often leads to venereal disease, shame–and in extreme cases, marriage.  The dangers posed to our society by climate change or America-hating Islamofascists pale when compared with the Beast With Two Backs.  This is amply illustrated in the sad story of Andrew Morche, a Farmington, Michigan police officer, who saw something that human eyes were not meant to see, and is still picking up the pieces of his shattered life.

Last month, Morche responded to a call alleging indecent activity in the parking lot of a local business, in full view of a ten-year-old child.  Arriving at Luigi’s Pizza Parlor, Morche reported seeing a Buick Regal with heavy condensation on the windows.  The vehicle was rocking slightly.

Experts Agree: The Worst Thing About Shameful Sex Is Getting Caught At It.

An experienced officer, Morche was prepared for a scene of carnal abandon.  However, it is likely that the officer failed to note the Buick’s vanity license plate, DIVA 145, before proceeding.  Had he made this small observation,  Morche would have in all probability been better prepared for the horror that followed. Instead, acting more from instinct and a sense of duty than anything else,  the courageous officer opened the Buick’s door, unwittingly exposing himself to the unnatural scene playing out before him.

The tableau revealed to the hapless officer was an abomination from Dante’s Inferno.: a mottled, writhing mass of sweat-streaked 126-year-old flesh.  At the epicenter of the nastiness was 54-year-old Tim Adams.  Perched atop him and bucking like a leather-coated piston was desiccated old crone Rita Daniels, 71, whom it should be noted was born before the United States’ entry into World War II.

Greeted by such a sight, even the most grizzled amputee-porn enthusiast could be forgiven a momentary loss of composure.  Morche asked the painfully obvious question–just what was the couple doing?

Fun Fact: Rita Once Blew Adlai Stevenson III.

The pair’s appalling lack of both shame and human dignity is evident in Adams’ reply.  Not only was he cognizant of his transgression against nature, but actually reveled in the filth, boasting, “I’m fucking this chick.”

Both suspects were booked for public indecency, and will have their day in court.  The victims who witnessed these unnatural acts are shaken, but in time they will heal and put the events of that ghastly September evening behind them.  However, if any good comes from this shameful episode, it will be the heightened public awareness of the dangers and pitfalls attendant with sexual relations.  Perhaps the story of Adams and Daniels can eclipse its own shame by reigniting a wave of American celibacy.

Our Litmus Test: If They Don't Know What This Is, It's Okay To Proceed.

Millions Of Americans Upside-Down On Car Loans

07 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Hard-Working Americans Can No Longer Consider Their Cars A Solid Investment.

When Martin Johnson bought his 2009 Kia Spectra two years ago, he had every reason to believe he was making a solid investment.   Car ownership has traditionally been a lifelong dream for many Americans, including Johnson, whose parents had owned a vehicle when he was growing up.  “I remember how proud Dad was of that thing,” Johnson says, remembering the 1978 AMC Pacer that served as the family’s vehicle for fourteen years and would inspire the younger Johnson to purchase an automobile of his own.  “I’d been renting a car for years.  Ownership just seemed like the next step.”

As Unbelievable As It Sounds, If Current Trends Continue, Detroit May Someday Become An Unlivable Hell-Hole.

When he went to apply, Johnson found that it was easy to get a car loan–almost too easy.  “I see now that it was irresponsible lending practices,” he admits, “But at the time, I just thought, ‘Well all right!  A Car.'”  Johnson fell for what experts say is the biggest scam in the industry.  “Automobiles are dogs; they’re only going to lose value,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a vehicle-investment guru, “And the car companies already  know that!”

"I Thought A Hummer Would Provide Much-Needed Financial Security In My Old Age!"

Like many people, Johnson viewed his automobile purchase as a nest egg.  “I thought I’d take my $15,250 investment, put in a couple thousand in upgrades, then turn around and sell it for $25,000 or so.  That’s the American dream, right?”  The question hangs in the air, as much an indictment on the times as an interrogative.

Washington Fatcats Don't Pay For Their Own Automobiles--The Taxpayers Do!

But like many Americans, Johnson is learning the hard way that the dream may have died.  Just two years on, he’s had to come to terms with his rapidly-failing  investment.  “I looked in the Kelly Blue Book this morning,” he says, trying to hold back bitter tears, “$7,200 dollars.  Just $7,200 left of my $15K.  It’s criminal.”  Johnson will most likely have to sell–at a loss–the car he once viewed as his family’s nest egg.  “That’s the hardest part,” he says, “Explaining to my boy that now he may never go to college.  When he asks ‘Why?,’  just what am I supposed to tell him?”

Greedy Capitalists Have Been Fleeing Auto Investments For Years. The Real Money's In Helicopters These Days.

Already Washington is besieged by desperate pleas for relief from thousands of soon-to-be-carless Americans.  Johnson believes it was the government and the Wall Street fatcats who got the nation into this predicament, but lacks the same certainty that these institutions have the wherewithal or desire to bail the country out.  Johnson may be more fortunate than most, since he has been planning for such an economic catastrophe for some time.   “I’ve spent the last several years trying to diversify my portfolio,” he says, referring to the collection of Beanie Babies he has locked away somewhere in the garage.  “Once I liquidate those suckers, I’ll be sitting pretty once again.”

The Huge Financial Windfall Smaktakula Will Receive From The Liquidation Of His Collectible Assets Should Give Him The Funds To Wreak A Terrible Vengeance Upon His Many Enemies.

Fatcats!  We just love saying it. ∞T.

Charlie Sheen Downgraded From ‘Douchebag’ Status In Light Of Illness

04 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Seriously, Charlie Isn't Even Trying To Make It Difficult For Us Anymore.

After lengthy consultations with prominent physicians, lawyers and spiritual advisors, Promethean Times has agreed to conditionally rescind Charlie Sheen’s douchebag status.  The doomed former television personality’s obvious mental illness likely indicates a complete lack of control over his own life and career, both of which are in freefall.

Possibly the only individual in the Western World not fully cognizant of the pathetic nature of the actor’s plight is the Warlock himself.  The toothless cretin received a warm reaction from a Chicago audience during staging of his spectacle, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, despite being nearly booed off the stage at the debut in Detroit.

Also Called 'The Warlock,' But He Had The Name First. If You Don't Believe Him, As His Mom. She Worked On The Costume.

Along with thousands and perhaps millions of other publications, Promethean Times has repeatedly mocked Sheen in the past.  We’re going to try really hard not to do so in the future.

Seemingly overnight, picking on Charlie Sheen has become like heckling an athlete at the Special Olympics.  Sure, it seems like a good idea, and it’s pretty easy to do–but it leaves you spiritually untethered and consumed with bitter self-loathing.

"Dude, You Were Warned To Stop Saying That Shit. Now Freddy's Gonna Have To Make You Bleed."

Make-Believe Vigilante To Rejuvenate Motor City

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Outlying Areas Such As Grosse Pointe Or Farmington Hills (Seen Here) Are Among The Last Remaining Enclaves For Detroit's Affluent.

Imagine a wasted and broken city, a great grey expanse of steel and concrete canyons, silent save for the echoing lamentation of pigeons and the constant scurrying rustle of the vermin who remain always just out of sight, and who are the true inheritors of this necropolis.  Picture streets festooned with rubbish and unnamable filth, faded newspapers dancing in the breeze as they skitter along crumbling sidewalks past abandoned industries whose soaped or broken windows stare out like blind eyes, but which once could see, and beheld a city on the come, a bright, raucous, thrumming and most of all–vital–metropolis, one which proved no more  substantial than the mirage of Cibola.

Chances are, the image in your head is a fairly accurate depiction of Detroit, Michigan in 2011.  Detroit, which once could truly be called Automobile City and boast of the world-famous Motown Sound, is now known primarily as the city which has made the most Olympic bids without ever being allowed to host the Games. The blighted, abandoned ruin has fallen so far as to make rust-belt crapholes like Gary, Indiana or Youngstown, Ohio seem prosperous by comparison.

Nothing Else Has Worked. What The Fuck, Right?

But a group of philanthropists believes it has a cure for the city’s myriad woes: RoboCop, the titular character in the 1987 film.  Although the technology to unleash a cyborg death machine upon the streets of the Motor City is still at least five years away, it’s hoped that a likeness of RoboCop might be similarly efficacious in revitalizing beleaguered Detroit.  A downtown statue of the fictional icon, fans argue, would be a steal at $50,000.

Things are looking good for fans of the project.  Just three days after beginning their funding drive, the statue’s backers say they’ve received the $50,000 necessary for the project.  Supporters hope that the statue of the gun-wielding mockery of human life will act as a magic totem of sorts, driving away Detroit’s  bad Ju Ju in much the same way as RoboCop did the career of Peter Weller, the actor who portrayed the fascist automaton.

"I Could Not Agree More With This Choice. Sometimes Extralegal Measures Are Needed To Keep Society Safe From The Bad Sort. You Know Who I'm Talking About."