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Tag Archives: Katy Perry

Sex: Still Dirty. Still Wrong.

11 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Adlai Stevenson III, Andrew Morche, beast with two backs, cannot be unseen, crimes against nature, DIVA 145, Farmington, indecent exposure, intercourse, Katy Perry, Luigi's Pizza Parlor, Michigan, old people, Rita Daniels, sex, sex with old people, Tim Adams, WWII, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Look, You Have To Make Exceptions From Time To Time.

All too often sexual revisionists claim that the sex act is natural and beautiful, and that moreover, there is nothing filthy, disgusting or iniquitous in two human beings rutting like wild turkeys.  Such advice is not only scurrilously untrue, but represents a growing threat to the fabric of society.  Sexual intercourse, which has been identified in several reputable studies as a potential trigger for the production of offspring, often leads to venereal disease, shame–and in extreme cases, marriage.  The dangers posed to our society by climate change or America-hating Islamofascists pale when compared with the Beast With Two Backs.  This is amply illustrated in the sad story of Andrew Morche, a Farmington, Michigan police officer, who saw something that human eyes were not meant to see, and is still picking up the pieces of his shattered life.

Last month, Morche responded to a call alleging indecent activity in the parking lot of a local business, in full view of a ten-year-old child.  Arriving at Luigi’s Pizza Parlor, Morche reported seeing a Buick Regal with heavy condensation on the windows.  The vehicle was rocking slightly.

Experts Agree: The Worst Thing About Shameful Sex Is Getting Caught At It.

An experienced officer, Morche was prepared for a scene of carnal abandon.  However, it is likely that the officer failed to note the Buick’s vanity license plate, DIVA 145, before proceeding.  Had he made this small observation,  Morche would have in all probability been better prepared for the horror that followed. Instead, acting more from instinct and a sense of duty than anything else,  the courageous officer opened the Buick’s door, unwittingly exposing himself to the unnatural scene playing out before him.

The tableau revealed to the hapless officer was an abomination from Dante’s Inferno.: a mottled, writhing mass of sweat-streaked 126-year-old flesh.  At the epicenter of the nastiness was 54-year-old Tim Adams.  Perched atop him and bucking like a leather-coated piston was desiccated old crone Rita Daniels, 71, whom it should be noted was born before the United States’ entry into World War II.

Greeted by such a sight, even the most grizzled amputee-porn enthusiast could be forgiven a momentary loss of composure.  Morche asked the painfully obvious question–just what was the couple doing?

Fun Fact: Rita Once Blew Adlai Stevenson III.

The pair’s appalling lack of both shame and human dignity is evident in Adams’ reply.  Not only was he cognizant of his transgression against nature, but actually reveled in the filth, boasting, “I’m fucking this chick.”

Both suspects were booked for public indecency, and will have their day in court.  The victims who witnessed these unnatural acts are shaken, but in time they will heal and put the events of that ghastly September evening behind them.  However, if any good comes from this shameful episode, it will be the heightened public awareness of the dangers and pitfalls attendant with sexual relations.  Perhaps the story of Adams and Daniels can eclipse its own shame by reigniting a wave of American celibacy.

Our Litmus Test: If They Don't Know What This Is, It's Okay To Proceed.

Does It Smell Like Skank In Here?

04 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alliteration, America's dulled cultural palate, attention-seeking celebrities, beautiful women, callipygian women, embarrassing behavior, eponymous product names, it means she's got a nice ass, Katy Perry, Katy Perry's Purr, Kim Kardashian, musky vapors, people who like crap, perfume, sexpots, signature scent, skankery, skanks, Target, the Armenian community at large must be so proud, the Kardashian funk, things stoned people might purchase, unrefined tastes, useless human beings, Wal-Mart

By Smaktakula

Callipygian sexpot Kim Kardashian unveiled her long-awaited signature scent to an eager public last January.  That the ambulatory pair of buttocks would seek to profit from her musky vapors is neither surprising nor particularly blameworthy; that America’s dulled cultural palate has allowed KK to stink up the aisles of Wal-Mart and Target stores nationwide eleven months later is.

Considering The Product's Demographic, It's Most Likely Aimed At Classy Lassies With Expansive Chassis.

As readers of Promethean Times already know, Kardashian is the ninth most beautiful woman in the world.  It is likely for this reason, and not because of the perfume’s quality, that Kardashian’s pungent secretion is so highly prized.

Katy Perry, thought to be the world’s most beautiful woman, has her own signature scent, Purr.  People who like that kind of crap call it “a bewitchingly bold aroma, infused with the twin scents of desperate tears and moist muppet fur.”

Why doesn’t Kim throw an extra ‘K’ word onto ‘Kim Kardashian’ to give the perfume’s name a further level of alliteration–say, ‘Kim Kardashian Kologne?’
Oh, right–Good catch.

Katy And Russell’s Exciting Temporary Marriage

01 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Elmo, Elmo is a dangerous enemy, Katy Perry, love triangles, marriage, Robert Smith, Russell Brand, temporary marriages, testosterone, The Cure, unfunny comedians

By Smaktakula

Surely You're Used To It By Now: Beautiful Women Can't Resist Grimy Douchebags.

Loveliest-girl-in-all-the-world Katy Perry recently married unfunny British career-killer Russell Brand in an ostentatious ceremony in India.

Brand, most famous for boasting on-air about diddling the granddaughter of a British actor, is said to be hanging up his career as a Lothario and eager to settle down to family life.

Russell Brand: What The Cure's Robert Smith Might Look Like If His Body Produced Testosterone.

Promethean Times is delighted by this union, and wishes the lovely couple a lifetime of wonderful memories.

Not everyone is so happy, however:

"Bitch, You're Trippin'. Be A Good Girl And Come On Home Before Elmo Has To Lose His Shit And Choke Himself A Hairy English Motherfucker."

A Contemporary Helen Of Troy

18 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

2010 Hot 100, beauty, Britney Spears, callipygian women, Chelsea Handler, cosmetic surgery, crabs, Helen of Troy, Jodie Foster, John Hinckley Jr., Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Kelis, Kim Kardashian, Maxim, MILFs, plus-size models, Raquel Welch, Rihanna, Trojan War

By Smaktakula

Sorry, Chubbsy--You Didn't Make The 2010 Maxim Hot 100. Have You Thought About Modelling Mu-Mus?

In 2010, female beauty is ubiquitous.  It pouts on the covers of magazines, stares down larger-than-life upon  billboards visible from space, and shakes its ass on television.  Braces, liposuction, hair extensions, implants and the like have created a revolution in appearance.

The standard of beauty changes over time.  Raquel Welch would today be forced to work as a plus-sized model if she wanted a career in the public eye.   Rather than rhapsodize about her stunning curves as they did in her day, probably the highest compliment Welch could obtain today would be, “You know, Raquel really knows how to make herself look pretty.  Good for her.”

Today’s beauties are very different–toned, honed and siliconed.  They dance across the public’s eye for a moment and then are gone.  Another difference between old and new beauty: new beauty is disposable.

The media would have us believe that beauty is not in the eye  of the beholder, but instead falls within a rather narrow scale.  Beauty is no longer subjective.

To see whether that’s true, we consulted no less a source than Maxim, the snarky men’s magazine with soft-core aspirations.  We present a few selections from Maxim’s 2010 Hot 100.  Judge for yourself.

#87 Chelsea Handler: MILFy Comedienne.

Only 86 Women On The Planet Are Better Looking.

#56 Ke$ha–Musical Themed Sex Product.

Here There Be Crabs.

#54 Britney Spears: Bloated Punch Line.

Hit The Buffet One More Time.

#9 Kim Kardashian: Callipygous Automaton.

Raise Your Hand If You're A Cultural Carcinoma.

#6 Rihanna: Tomorrow’s Kelis.

No, Bitch. You Ain't.

#1 Katy Perry: Muppet Plaything.

The Most Beautiful Girl In All The Land.

Although beauty itself may be subjective, perhaps we can judge it based upon its effect upon the culture as a whole.  A truly beautiful woman would not be a creation, but rather a phenomenon, like Helen of Troy, whose beauty was said to have launched the Trojan War.

Based on these criteria, Jodie Foster is the world’s most beautiful woman.

"Because No One Shoots The President For Katy Perry."

"HUURRRRR!"

Revealed: The Real Reason Sesame Street Pulled The Katy Perry Apperance

24 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Music, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

censorship, Children's Television Workshop, Elmo, Elmo is a mack, Elmo's World, episode pulled, I love to count!, Katy Perry, Katy Perry's tits, kiddie shows, lewdness, muppets, prudery, Public Television, scandal, Sesame Street, sex, skankery, skonks, YouTube

By Smaktakula

The children’s television show Sesame Street has been a hot topic since the show’s producers decided to pull a controversial segment featuring singer Katy Perry. Children’s Television Workshop defended the action, noting that its executive board had reconsidered the segment after receiving a volume of negative feedback.  Parents and youth advocacy groups are said to regard Perry’s plunging neckline as too racy for the children’s show.

The major media outlets all dutifully ran the story, relaying the information the show’s producers had fed them.  However, according to an insider who spoke to Promethean Times on the condition of anonymity, the story about Perry’s revealing outfit was “just so much fluff.”  The source claims that the segment was axed to protect the show’s wholesome reputation after news of an affair between Perry and a Sesame Street cast member became public.

Said the insider:

“Everybody knew what was going on. Ah-ah-ah.  We could hear her moaning in her dressing room all the way from the main stage.  Ah-ah-ah.  It was disgusting.  She moaned one time.  Ah-ah-ah.  She moaned two times.  Ah-ah-ah.  She moaned three times.  Ah-ah-ah.

Do you want me to keep going?  Because it goes on for a while, and if you have not heard, I love to count. Ah-ah-ah.”

"So Then Elmo Sees Katy For The First Time, And Elmo Says, 'Damn, Bitch! Elmo Hasn't Seen Your Fine Ass Around Here Before.' She Was All Like, 'Whatever,' But Elmo Was Like, 'Ho, Let Elmo Lay Some Truth On You: Elmo Is Gonna Tap That Ass Within The Hour. Straight Up.'"

‘Cause It’s Elmo’s World, Beyotch!

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