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Tag Archives: WWII

75 Years Ago In Promethean Times: Sorry About Your Blimp, Fritz!

12 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Politics

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

abject apologies, Adolf Hitler, appeasement, death by blimp, dirigibles, Germany, Hindenburg, Irving Smaktakulawcyz, Lakehurst, New Jersey, outright lies, WWII

By T. Bagg

Look At It This Way: It Would Be Hard To Stomach Seeing This Thing Flying Over The Super Bowl Every Year.

Friday, May 7th, 1937

In our coverage of yesterday’s Hindenburg tragedy in New Jersey, Promethean Times’ writer Irving Smaktakulawcyz  made several explosive statements which, given the scope of the horrific disaster, were at the very least ill-advised. Readers shocked by Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s course language and indecent speech can rest assured that the scoundrel has been disciplined in accordance with the policies of this 150-year-old publication.

Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s views do not represent those of Promethean Times. It is never acceptable, on or off the editorial page, to write such indecencies as “Burn, Fritz! Burn!” or “There’s sure to be several sauerkrauts back in the Fatherland tonight!” Moreover, under no circumstances do we find either appropriate or amusing Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s repeated injunction, “Break out the buns, folks, ’cause we’ve got 35 char-broiled Frankfurters here!”

Irving Smaktakulawcyz: “Although It Would Later Be Determined That Thirty-Five Individuals Perished In The Disaster, Initial Estimates Were Much Lower. Witnesses At The Scene Recalled Hearing Several Victims Screaming ‘NINE!'”

Gentle readers, please believe that we are every bit as offended as yourselves by the inflammatory statements of this rogue reporter. We consider it a black eye upon Promethean Times‘ heretofore unblemished reputation for sober dignity in journalism. We assure our readers that in the future this publication shall never again cast aspersions at our European cousins and brethren in white Christendom.

Moreover, we wish to quell those rumors which currently abound, purporting that our wholehearted and abject apology to you, the reader, is something less than genuine. Let us be clear: this apology is not the result of German threats. As you know, it is the opinion of Promethean Times that while Herr Hitler talks a good game, the German Führer lacks the stomach to back up his empty saber-rattling.

On a final note, while we deplore some of the more caustic statements made by Mr.  Smaktakulawcyz, we are proud  of his first-rate reporting. We believe that long after the passage of time dulls the sting of the teutonophobic reporter’s badly chosen words, his accomplishments yesterday in Lakehurst, New Jersey will ring out through posterity. When future generations think upon this terrible event, they will be unlikely to remember the tepid bleating of Herbert “Oh, the humanity!” Morrison, but rather recall the stirring words of Irving Smaktakulawcyz: “Holy Fuck!  The fat dude in the lederhosen just went up like a Roman candle!”

What Do You Call It When A Bunch Of Nazi-Era Germans Get Burned To A Crisp? A *Tragedy*? We Suppose, But We Were Going For *Irony.*

The Candybomber: Weapons Of Mass Delight

01 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

Allies, Axis, Berlin, Berlin Airlift, bravery, Candybomber, comical despots, David Hasselhoff, do-gooders, East Berlin, Gail Halvorsen, Germany, Japan, Josef Stalin, Mormons, ne'er-do-wells, Onkel Wackelflügel, Operation Little Vittles, ridiculous German words, ugly Americans, Uncle Wiggly-Wings, unfortunate names, United States of America, US Air Force, USSR, Utah, West Berlin, WWII

By Smaktakula

Conventional Wisdom Tells Us That It’s Wrong In Every Instance To Bomb Children. Conventional Wisdom Isn’t Always Correct.

Typically the characters to be found skulking through the pages of Promethean Times are a dark and sorry lot of maladjusted degenerates, ne’er-do-wells and comical third-world despots. And yet, history sometimes offers those examples of human endeavor which are not only significant and worthwhile, but also–rarest of all–interesting. We present to you, the Candybomber. If sweetheartery were an award (or even a real word), the Candybomber would be a perennial winner.

Get Yourself Some Jobs, You Master-Race Malingerers!

Although many younger readers many not be aware, Americans have not always been despised around the globe as arrogant behemoths trampling the rest of the world beneath their overpriced Nikes. There was a time, only a few short generations ago, when America was revered as a bastion of hope, and a force for good in a bleak and increasingly repressive world. As the occupying forces in Germany and Japan following their defeat at the end of WWII, a generation of earnest and well-meaning young men served to bolster this impression. The former enemies were disarmed by the Americans’ kindness, generosity and magnanimity, and in this the Allies achieved a victory far greater than anything they were able to accomplish with military means. That Japan and Germany are today stable, democratic–and for more than a half-century, peaceful–republics, is in some ways a credit to these exemplary young men.

Dude, You Know They’re Gonna Expect Us To Act Like This From Now On.

But Gail Halvorsen, the Candybomber, stands head and shoulders above them all. Despite the cruel handicap of being a dude with a chick’s name, in 1948 the young pilot exploded into the hearts and minds of young Germans, who, though now well into middle-age, still revere the Candybomber to this day.

The Candybomber Is A Lot Like David Hasselhoff In That The Germans Love Him. The Difference Is That The Candybomber Did Something To Earn Their Affection.

In 1948, Soviet Premier Josef Stalin sealed off West Berlin (as the nice part of Berlin was then known), hoping to starve out the fledgling democratic republic. The Allies, under the leadership of American President Harry S Truman, began an heroic, round-the-clock operation to ferry supplies to the beleaguered krauts. This operation, known as the Berlin Airlift, proved an historic success, forcing Stalin to ‘blink’ in May of 1949, lifting the embargo.

We’re Not Sure How To Write ‘IN YOUR FACE!’ In The Cyrillic Alphabet, So The Sentiment Will Have To Suffice.

Halvorsen, however, wanted to do more for the war-wearied children he saw lining the fences around the airbase. The nice Mormon boy from Utah hit upon an idea that was an instant winner: he attached small parachutes to bags of candy he had purchased himself, and his plane approached Berlin, would toss them from  his plane to the grateful children below. To differentiate his plane from the dozens arriving every hour, he would dip his wings before releasing his payload, earning him the typically ridiculous German nickname Onkel Wackelflügel (Uncle Wiggly-Wings).

You’ll Want To Step Back A Bit, Kids. That’s Not Candy.

Rumor has it that upon hearing of Halvorsen’s actions, his Air Force superiors ordered him to stop. However, someone up the food chain quickly comprehended the PR goldmine which had fallen into Allied hands thanks to Halvorsen’s do-gooderism. The Allies ran with it, and ‘Operation Little Vittles’ was born, magnifying Halvorsen’s individual act of kindness on a grand scale. It remains one of the most unheralded–and successful–American PR campaigns in history.

For Real, Folks–We’re Not All Bad.

Sex: Still Dirty. Still Wrong.

11 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Adlai Stevenson III, Andrew Morche, beast with two backs, cannot be unseen, crimes against nature, DIVA 145, Farmington, indecent exposure, intercourse, Katy Perry, Luigi's Pizza Parlor, Michigan, old people, Rita Daniels, sex, sex with old people, Tim Adams, WWII, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Look, You Have To Make Exceptions From Time To Time.

All too often sexual revisionists claim that the sex act is natural and beautiful, and that moreover, there is nothing filthy, disgusting or iniquitous in two human beings rutting like wild turkeys.  Such advice is not only scurrilously untrue, but represents a growing threat to the fabric of society.  Sexual intercourse, which has been identified in several reputable studies as a potential trigger for the production of offspring, often leads to venereal disease, shame–and in extreme cases, marriage.  The dangers posed to our society by climate change or America-hating Islamofascists pale when compared with the Beast With Two Backs.  This is amply illustrated in the sad story of Andrew Morche, a Farmington, Michigan police officer, who saw something that human eyes were not meant to see, and is still picking up the pieces of his shattered life.

Last month, Morche responded to a call alleging indecent activity in the parking lot of a local business, in full view of a ten-year-old child.  Arriving at Luigi’s Pizza Parlor, Morche reported seeing a Buick Regal with heavy condensation on the windows.  The vehicle was rocking slightly.

Experts Agree: The Worst Thing About Shameful Sex Is Getting Caught At It.

An experienced officer, Morche was prepared for a scene of carnal abandon.  However, it is likely that the officer failed to note the Buick’s vanity license plate, DIVA 145, before proceeding.  Had he made this small observation,  Morche would have in all probability been better prepared for the horror that followed. Instead, acting more from instinct and a sense of duty than anything else,  the courageous officer opened the Buick’s door, unwittingly exposing himself to the unnatural scene playing out before him.

The tableau revealed to the hapless officer was an abomination from Dante’s Inferno.: a mottled, writhing mass of sweat-streaked 126-year-old flesh.  At the epicenter of the nastiness was 54-year-old Tim Adams.  Perched atop him and bucking like a leather-coated piston was desiccated old crone Rita Daniels, 71, whom it should be noted was born before the United States’ entry into World War II.

Greeted by such a sight, even the most grizzled amputee-porn enthusiast could be forgiven a momentary loss of composure.  Morche asked the painfully obvious question–just what was the couple doing?

Fun Fact: Rita Once Blew Adlai Stevenson III.

The pair’s appalling lack of both shame and human dignity is evident in Adams’ reply.  Not only was he cognizant of his transgression against nature, but actually reveled in the filth, boasting, “I’m fucking this chick.”

Both suspects were booked for public indecency, and will have their day in court.  The victims who witnessed these unnatural acts are shaken, but in time they will heal and put the events of that ghastly September evening behind them.  However, if any good comes from this shameful episode, it will be the heightened public awareness of the dangers and pitfalls attendant with sexual relations.  Perhaps the story of Adams and Daniels can eclipse its own shame by reigniting a wave of American celibacy.

Our Litmus Test: If They Don't Know What This Is, It's Okay To Proceed.

London Bridge Is Burning Down

09 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

2011, Adolf Hitler, Battle of Britain, Brixton, Canada, don't hate us because we're ignorant, Islington, London, London riots, London's Burning, Mark Duggan, NBA, NHL, places that suck, the Blitz, the Clash, Tottenham, UK, United Kingdom, United States of America, WWII

By Smaktakula

The London Blitz Is A Hard Act To Follow.

Lacking an NHL or NBA Championship, kids in the UK aren’t afforded regular rioting opportunities like their American and Canadian counterparts.  In many parts of London, the window panes of Starbucks and T-Mobile outlets last for years, often for the life of the business.  So when Mark Duggan was shot dead by the police in Tottenham, local youth wasted no time in springing to action.

In America, Riots Are The Purview Of A Bored Middle Class.

Within days the party fever had spread to kids in Brixton, Islington and several other of London’s shitty backalleys.  The can-do kids of today’s UK have outdone previous generations of rioters, having set more of London ablaze than anyone since Adolf Hitler.

Although the crisis is only a few days old, some less scrupulous musicians are trying to make a name for themselves by capitalizing on the tragedy.  Observe:

“The Clash?”  They’ll never last.  One-hit wonders for sure. ∞T.

Headlines 10.19.11

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII

By Smaktakula

Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.

Nothing but headlines.  You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.

***

Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.

Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer  ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.

36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last.  I wish I were dead.”

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.

“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”

Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.

Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.

Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.

He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.

Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’  ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”

Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!

At Least He Fed Them Well.

MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal  piss.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich.  What?  You asked.

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?”  *** “How do you think?  Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you.  God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.

This Day In History: June 6, 1944 CE

06 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1944, Allies, Axis, D Day, France, Germany, June 6, Normandy Invasion, Normandy Landing, Suprise!, this day in history, United States, World War II, WWII

On which allied forces make an unexpected visit to France.

"Scheisse!"

 

Stracciatella: Culinary Delicacy Or Social Disease?

24 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

blemishes, cheeses, childish sexual innuendo, educational films, gelato, GIs, Italy, one's a cunning runt, painful urination, social disease, soldiers, soups, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, stracciatella, the heartbreak of stracciatella, the Stratch, unsightly blemishes, VD, venereal disease, World War II, WWII

By Smaktakula

Okay, Next Picture This Happening In Your Pants.

This one fooled us, too.  Apparently stracciatella can refer to such varied foodstuffs as a soup, cheese and ice-cream.  It is known neither to cause painful urination nor unsightly blemishes on the nether-regions.

We're Reasonably Sure This Is The Soup.

Now the idea of “picking up a case of stracciatella in Italy” doesn’t sound nearly so scary.  Or exciting.

A Fun Historical Fact:  During WWII, American GIs suffering from lactose intolerance were forced to watch a number of anti-stracciatella films before deploying overseas.  Some of the better-known films were Stracciatella? Non!, The Devil’s Cheese and The Fräulein Who Gave Me The Statch. ∞T.

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