Tags
British smiles, CIA, France, Friday the 13th, Germany, headlines, Iran, Mexico, porn, Queen Elizabeth II, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, United Kingdom
By Smaktakula
We’re Just A Little Surprised That Hallmark Hasn’t Figured Out A Way To Cash In On This Yet.
In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the stories.
***
More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix ~ At Waldo’s ‘All Things Vibrating’ Pleasure Emporium.
How to Tell Your Partner You Have IBD: 7 Ways to Make Them Understand ~ Irritable Bowel Disorder? Somehow, we think your partner already knows.
Ticks & Pregnancy: How To Protect Yourself ~Ticks are sweet-talkers, that’s for sure, but you need to protect yourself, Honey. You tell him, “I don’t care if it IS smaller than a dust mote–no glove, no love!”
Should Everyone Get an Instadeath Pill When They Turn 75? ~ Oooh, great question! Ask yourself that one when you turn 74, jackass.
Motorcycle officer lassos runaway bull ~ Wow! A dude could fly to the moon, cure cancer, bang the Queen of England and STILL not be as cool as that guy.
Whatever. You Know You Would.
Dominic Deville, An Evil Birthday Clown, Stalks Your Child For A Fee ~ Yawn. Thanks to the National Sex Offender registry, it’s never been easier to find someone who will pay ME for the privilege of stalking my child.
Mom Who Wants 14-Year-Old to Get Breast Implants Needs Serious Help ~ No kidding she does!–Junior Misses’ Fake Funbags don’t come cheap. So pony up, folks!
Former CIA spy advocates overthrow of Iranian regime ~ “The way I see it, we could depose the legitimate government, and maybe put in some despotic strongman who will act in the interest of the oil companies for twenty-five years or so until the people rise up and replace him with an anachronistic and dangerously intolerant theocracy, which could then seize a bunch of Americans…wait, wait, wait…did we already do this?”
Hotel guard kills self in gun prank; CCTV footage records incident ~ Ha! Good one! And he got it on camera so he can watch it later.
7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future ~ #5 is not getting her the Barbie Ultimate Dream Playhouse she’s been asking for. She’s not fucking kidding about that.
Greek leader defies France, Germany on their turf ~ Picking on the French is no big deal; you can kick ’em through the streets of Paris if that’s your thing. But leave the krauts alone. When those people get the idea in their heads that there’s an insidious foreign presence in their midst…well, they go a little nuts.
Seriously, Greece–Put Some Thought Into It Next Time. Do You Really Think Poland Likes Having To Start From Scratch Every Couple Generations?
Saddened Town Recalls History With Drug Giant ~ When he was sober, Paul was a gentleman. But then he’d get to sniffing that glue, and it wouldn’t be long before every building in town was a pile of smashed timber and the streets drowned in a river of blue ox-shit.
Anti-booty camp for male teen porn addicts ~ The camp experience harkens back to an earlier time, when there was no electricity or running water, and teenage boys had to flog the dolphin to a crumpled picture of Kathy Ireland from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
WILL FERRELL AND GORDON RAMSAY INJURED IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCH ~ Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to find proof of God’s existence.
When a Government Rapes Its People ~ Well, what did the people expect, going out dressed like that?
Study – Cancer Survivors Die From Other Things ~ Yeah, that’s a mind-blower. But here’s where it really gets weird: it turns out that people who DON’T get cancer die of other things at an even higher rate!
Sandy Alderson rips SF Giants fans ~ Those people are just plain evil, and the reasons to hate them myriad.
Wearing This Cap Is An Excellent Way To Tell The World That You Were Suckled By A She-Lemur And That You Think The Holocaust Was A Great Big Lie.
Parents Charged With Killing Daughter’s Pimp Acted Too Late ~ Apparently, pimp-killin’ has a very specific, 24-hour legal window. After that, you have to settle for a pimp-slap.
Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That? ~ Really? So Mom & Dad never had this talk with you? Okay, well have you ever noticed how your index finger is shaped perfectly to fit inside your nostril? It’s kinda like that.
The Y-Chromosome Is Shrinking! Will Men Go Extinct? ~ If so, you won’t have very long to savor your victory.
New Mexican President Could Target Small Gangs ~ Entirely likely, as it’s the larger gangs to which he’s beholden, like the Zetas or the Mexican Army.
Kate Middleton’s ‘Rotten’ Teeth Reveal the Secret Behind Her Smile ~ It’s no secret that Kate’s British.
The Pain Can Help You Forget That You’re Eating A Boiled Kidney Pop-Tart With Blood-Gravy Filling Swimming In Brown Sauce And Vinegar.
Promethean Times 
Great stuff, as always.
Thanks, Bill!
You had me at the Queen’s dogs.
Egad, I may end up in a future headline…
The wheels are already turning…
Wait, no, I take it back. I mean-
Crap.
Wonderful.
I will say though that it is not exactly reassuring to know there are people out there proposing a pill whose sole purpose is to rid us of our elderly.
I had a wonderful corgi when I was younger. The smartest dog I’ve ever had. I’ve always thought they deserved better than the queen.
Remember the movie Logan’s Run? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan%27s_Run_(film)
In that society everyone was supposed to be dead at age 30. Science fiction? Maybe- but it’s chilling to ponder on how many of the powers that be might be wanting to make that science fact!
30? Now that’s pushing things a bit. I can’t help but think the age chosen was based on the line, “never trust anyone over 30.” While I never gave it credence, if I had, it would have meant at present I would be unable to trust myself!
It was science fiction after all- and an extreme example, at least to me now as I’ve long since been part of the “over 30” crowd. But the scary concept is the idea that people are expendable once they reach a certain age- whether it be 30, 50 or 95. Should society have that kind of authority? I think not.
Yes, a very scary concept. I certainly wouldn’t want to live in a society that has such authority or is able to rationalize it as a necessity.
A good dog is a pretty wonderful thing, I think. I’ve never owned a corgi but I regard them affectionately.
I was fairly disturbed by that headline as well. I’m for the open airing of all such ideas (I’d rather deal with the wound than let it fester), but I’m surprised that in our touchy age that the paper’s editors allowed that to go out, whether or not it’s satire. Can you imagine the reaction if “Mentally-Handicapped People” were substituted for “75-Year Olds.”
Hell, I’m surprised AARP didn’t crush that, honestly.
Dogs are truly noble creatures.
Our corgi was as sharp as a whip. When eggs started going missing from the chicken coop, Barney was the last suspect on our mind. But that’s before we caught him slinking across the ground with an egg in mouth. Not a fox but something very fox-like.
If you ask me, AARP has been dropping the ball a lot as of late.
You Crack My Shit Up, Dude!
I Think This One Needs A Reblog, Don’t You?!?
SURE YOU DO!!!
hahahahahaha
-B.
Aw, bless you, man! Just for that, I hope Cincy takes a beating tonight at the hands of the Cards!
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
This’ll Make You Giggle Like You’re A Little Girl Again, Fo SHO!!!
-BRAD
Smak,
I have a request… You only speak the truth on Promethean Times, and you go for the tough story. With your knowledge of sports, and what goes behind, I think it would only be adequate that you would write a piece about why the Expos left Montreal. Could you make it this Clown’s dying wish? I’ll be grateful in 50 years…
Le Clown
Yeah, but that’s 50 Canadian years–so it’s kinda short notice. But for you, Le Clown, I shall endeavor!
English dentition is frightful- I have come from a whole family of unfortunate Anglos that even after a couple of centuries on this side of the pond, either ended up with dentures from rotted out teeth (my grandparents and my Dad) or like my sisters, ended up spending a shitload of $$$ on crowns, overlays and implants to acquire normal looking mouths. Even Steve-o has crowns, though that was due to a misadventure on his BMX bike when he was 14. Before that he had somewhat aesthetically acceptable teeth.
Oh, and when I was 14- I was worried someday I would need a breast reduction. “Titties” was my name all through high school. Fortunately that didn’t become necessary due to my grandmother (Mom’s mom) introducing me to “minimizer” bras. She was a lingerie buyer for a high faluting department store, and also being ample of bosom, she knew all the ins and outs of keeping the puppies restrained.
And I don’t think men will go extinct. We still need some muscle now and again. I know I don’t like to lift stuff and get dirty and risk breaking my nails. We females also need the comic relief. And I generally don’t get along well with other women (I’d be the world’s worst lesbian) so I need men- if only for the conversation.
We spend a lot of time discussing dentition on this site, don’t we? Then again, not everyone gets to enjoy wearing braces at the age of 33 while pregnant like I did.
Great post, Mr. Smak. My favorite headlines one so far, I think. Until the next one… Loved the IBD joke. Just ask Kelsey Grammer’s ex-wife how fun that condition is…
My teeth are my only body parts that seem to be both aesthetically pleasing- and holding up. That has to count for something.
That and eyebrows, which not only hold up but seem to grow exponentially after a certain age, especially in men.
Yeah, that would have been about 23 for me. And the eyebrows are the least of my worries. Fortunately, as I’m blond, it’s not nearly as disgusting as it would be for one of the lesser hair colors.
Yeah, the inch-long, salt-and-pepper eyebrow hairs on the old guys are pretty sexy.
Don’t undersell teeth! They’re not a “make” feature for me, but they are a “break.”
Thanks, Carrie! I also didn’t know about Mrs. (Ex) Grammer’s bowel issues. Of course, after the Carl Bernstein debacle, I had to check that one out for myself.
Thanks also for not making hay of what might at first appear to be hypocrisy in my use of the word “kraut” after railing against it some 24 hours ago. In fact, when I use it it, it is a beautiful, empowering word.
As are all of the ugly words you use…
I think I mentioned that I’ve never cared for the word “Titties,” although I’m quite comfortable with “Tits.” And given what you’ve said above, I’m surprised you mentioned teeth as a best feature. Unlike teeth, breastuses are definitely a “Make.”
And a BMX accident at least comes with a cool story. Rot from general neglect does not.
There are some people who brush and floss and their teeth still rot- Jerry fights the constant battle to keep his teeth in one piece and in his mouth, and he too is a frequent brusher and flosser. Rot from neglect is unacceptable. I am positively picky about dental hygiene- if only because of witnessing all my family’s dental disasters,
All the women in my family are at least a 36 C- so for me boobs are no big deal. Finding bras and shirts that fit right when you’re a 38 D is, however, a bit of an ordeal.
Poor Steve-o- but had I not paid for the root canals and crowns he would have either dentures or a very nasty Billy Bob mouth.
I don’t know where to start so I won’t.
Very wonderful as always.
Yours may be the best online name I’ve ever encountered.
It’s actually a very interesting story. Once I make one up that seems clever and believable I will let you know what it was.
Sounds good. In the meantime, I’ll let my imagination ponder the name’s origin.
I imagine there’s some weird twist to the story, like perhaps it actually involves antelope licking. But how the moose came into it is the real story.
Thanks! And as we have trouble identifying the point at which we should shut our fucking mouths, we must concede your wisdom.
Dang, I marvel at your brilliant comments to these headlines, Smak. You are so freaking funny. How do you think of these things? Meanwhile I’d like to contribute to that 14-year-old’s boob fund. A bra is a terrible thing to waste.
How do you think of these things?
Prepare for a longish answer. First of all, thank you for the kind words.
Secondly, I’ve been asked that question before, and I usually give a vague answer, but you’re cool, and this is something I’ve wanted to talk about for a while, but didn’t feel it right for a post. I brought it up in a comment on Carrie Rubin’s blog, and it’s been rolling around in my head ever since.
I “suffer” from ADD. I don’t talk about it a lot for a couple reasons. One, it’s so often used as an excuse for something; I try as much as I can not to make excuses in life. A second reason is that the third D stands for “Disorder.” For me, it’s not a disorder. Edit: Only after I wrote this did I realize that the word I’m actually looking for is ‘deficit.’
It might be more proper to say I AM ADD, in the same way as a person might say “I’m gay,” “I’m a woman,” “I’m left-handed,’ or “I’m Argentinian.” There’s nothing wrong with my brain–it’s just different.
As far as I can tell, the thought process for a “normal” brain goes from A to B to C (obviously, I’m simplifying–nobody’s that rigid). My brain CAN work that way with effort, but left to its own devices it goes from A to A2 to A3 to A4 and so on. As a consequence, while it’s challenging for me to follow a set of directions, it’s very easy for me to think in lateral or metaphorical terms.
So when I first encounter the headlines the gag hits me almost immediately (and likewise, I need to “put it on paper” immediately), and then I come back later to polish it off.
Anyway, that’s probably more than you wanted to know, and I apologize for going all “confessional” on you, but like I said, it’s something that has been rolling around in my head for a while. Anyway, that’s the reason for the funny–I have a disorder.
Actually, it stands for “deficit,” doesn’t it? Somebody’s defensive.
Excellent reply, Smak. And I don’t think it’s a “disorder” even though that’s the way it’s phrased in the DSM-IV etc. I don’t see why it was decided that there was only one way to learn or do things. Things don’t exist only in a linear fashion, so why should brains always function that way? Besides, people who think and work in “unorthodox” ways (I’m using quotation marks because it’s unorthodox only to whoever decided it wasn’t the norm) are usually way more creative and way more interesting. So there.
I can’t stop reading these articles! Your commentary is of course the best part though.
The statute of limitations on pimp slaughter is surprisingly brief.
I am trying so hard to come up with something insightful here, but I’m laughing too hard. I’m going to play it like Mooselicker and shut the hell up so I don’t write something stupid about why penises are shaped the way they are and stuff…
Yep. These are hilarious!
Question: Starting earlier last week, while I was brushing, I noticed I was spitting out quite a bit of blood when rinsing. Shortly after, within a day I started to notice my teeth hurting. They are HIGHLY sensitive to cold food or water. My teeth and gums ache and throb as soon as I eat anything really cold. They do not hurt when chewing gum, eating, etc. They actually hurt more when I’m idle, or not using them at all. Sometimes the pain is in the top back teeth, and sometimes it’s in the bottom, all the way up to the front (but NEVER in the very front teeth – top or bottom). I don’t think 8-9 cavities would spring up out of nowhere and all be bothering me at the exact same time? I’m thinking it’s more of a gum or root problem? Any ideas?
This is spam, folks–but just look how awesome it is!
good share!!keep go on!!!nice post!!
Thank you! Me so happy!
No freakin’ way about Kate Middleton’s teeth ! ! *disappointed *