Only Nixon Could Go To China
01 Friday Mar 2013
Posted in News, True-Ass Tales
Tag Archives: porn
Headlines 07.13.12
13 Friday Jul 2012
Tags
British smiles, CIA, France, Friday the 13th, Germany, headlines, Iran, Mexico, porn, Queen Elizabeth II, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, United Kingdom
By Smaktakula
We’re Just A Little Surprised That Hallmark Hasn’t Figured Out A Way To Cash In On This Yet.
In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the stories.
***
More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix ~ At Waldo’s ‘All Things Vibrating’ Pleasure Emporium.
How to Tell Your Partner You Have IBD: 7 Ways to Make Them Understand ~ Irritable Bowel Disorder? Somehow, we think your partner already knows.
Ticks & Pregnancy: How To Protect Yourself ~Ticks are sweet-talkers, that’s for sure, but you need to protect yourself, Honey. You tell him, “I don’t care if it IS smaller than a dust mote–no glove, no love!”
Should Everyone Get an Instadeath Pill When They Turn 75? ~ Oooh, great question! Ask yourself that one when you turn 74, jackass.
Motorcycle officer lassos runaway bull ~ Wow! A dude could fly to the moon, cure cancer, bang the Queen of England and STILL not be as cool as that guy.
Whatever. You Know You Would.
Dominic Deville, An Evil Birthday Clown, Stalks Your Child For A Fee ~ Yawn. Thanks to the National Sex Offender registry, it’s never been easier to find someone who will pay ME for the privilege of stalking my child.
Mom Who Wants 14-Year-Old to Get Breast Implants Needs Serious Help ~ No kidding she does!–Junior Misses’ Fake Funbags don’t come cheap. So pony up, folks!
Former CIA spy advocates overthrow of Iranian regime ~ “The way I see it, we could depose the legitimate government, and maybe put in some despotic strongman who will act in the interest of the oil companies for twenty-five years or so until the people rise up and replace him with an anachronistic and dangerously intolerant theocracy, which could then seize a bunch of Americans…wait, wait, wait…did we already do this?”
Hotel guard kills self in gun prank; CCTV footage records incident ~ Ha! Good one! And he got it on camera so he can watch it later.
7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future ~ #5 is not getting her the Barbie Ultimate Dream Playhouse she’s been asking for. She’s not fucking kidding about that.
Greek leader defies France, Germany on their turf ~ Picking on the French is no big deal; you can kick ’em through the streets of Paris if that’s your thing. But leave the krauts alone. When those people get the idea in their heads that there’s an insidious foreign presence in their midst…well, they go a little nuts.
Seriously, Greece–Put Some Thought Into It Next Time. Do You Really Think Poland Likes Having To Start From Scratch Every Couple Generations?
Saddened Town Recalls History With Drug Giant ~ When he was sober, Paul was a gentleman. But then he’d get to sniffing that glue, and it wouldn’t be long before every building in town was a pile of smashed timber and the streets drowned in a river of blue ox-shit.
Anti-booty camp for male teen porn addicts ~ The camp experience harkens back to an earlier time, when there was no electricity or running water, and teenage boys had to flog the dolphin to a crumpled picture of Kathy Ireland from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
WILL FERRELL AND GORDON RAMSAY INJURED IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCH ~ Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to find proof of God’s existence.
When a Government Rapes Its People ~ Well, what did the people expect, going out dressed like that?
Study – Cancer Survivors Die From Other Things ~ Yeah, that’s a mind-blower. But here’s where it really gets weird: it turns out that people who DON’T get cancer die of other things at an even higher rate!
Sandy Alderson rips SF Giants fans ~ Those people are just plain evil, and the reasons to hate them myriad.
Wearing This Cap Is An Excellent Way To Tell The World That You Were Suckled By A She-Lemur And That You Think The Holocaust Was A Great Big Lie.
Parents Charged With Killing Daughter’s Pimp Acted Too Late ~ Apparently, pimp-killin’ has a very specific, 24-hour legal window. After that, you have to settle for a pimp-slap.
Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That? ~ Really? So Mom & Dad never had this talk with you? Okay, well have you ever noticed how your index finger is shaped perfectly to fit inside your nostril? It’s kinda like that.
The Y-Chromosome Is Shrinking! Will Men Go Extinct? ~ If so, you won’t have very long to savor your victory.
New Mexican President Could Target Small Gangs ~ Entirely likely, as it’s the larger gangs to which he’s beholden, like the Zetas or the Mexican Army.
Kate Middleton’s ‘Rotten’ Teeth Reveal the Secret Behind Her Smile ~ It’s no secret that Kate’s British.
The Pain Can Help You Forget That You’re Eating A Boiled Kidney Pop-Tart With Blood-Gravy Filling Swimming In Brown Sauce And Vinegar.
Headlines: 06.29.12
29 Friday Jun 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics
Tags
Amelia Earhart, Australia, Bashar al-Assad, Cher, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, headlines, Home Depot, Kim Kardashian, Michael Bloomberg, New York, porn, RFK, Sirhan Sirhan, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Stonehenge, Syria, the French, TSA, Uganda, Why am I so stupid?
By Smaktakula
You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.
Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.
Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.
World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.
NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.
Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.
Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.
“Am I The One That Likes To Get Peed On? I Can’t Even Remember Any More.”
Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’
Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ’em back.
Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.
Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?
Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?
For $9 An Hour And A Big Mac, He’ll Be Anyone You Want Him To.
Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.
Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.
Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.
French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.
Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.
We’d Fly A Lot More, That’s For Damn Sure.
Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.
RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”
Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.
Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.
TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”
The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.
Not Your Father’s Porn
10 Tuesday Jan 2012
Posted in Culture
Tags
cougars, debased urges, hot mom, mature ladies, MILFs, PajamaJeans, pay-per-view, porn, pr0n, sexual fetishism, soccer moms
By Smaktakula
Pay-Per-View Is For Suckers. Why Not Do What We Do, And Get Yourself A Nice Hiding Place In The Changing Area At Dress Barn?
Modern sexual tastes have become so benumbed that nubile young oil-slathered vixens are no longer enough to quench the depraved urges of men, which instead have become increasingly focused on the carnally cougarific qualities of the PajamaJeans-bedecked hausfrau.
Hey Mother, Want Another?
Nothing Good Comes From Touching Yourself
21 Thursday Jul 2011
Tags
'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', choking the chicken, devil's handshake, Dixieland Jazz, Emil Haagerdäddi, flogging the dolphin, Genesis, God, Hurricane Katrina, jerking off, masturbation, Onan, onanism, porn, pr0n, San Francisco, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, self-immolation, Sunday school, the Almighty
By Smaktakula
Back In The Day, The Worst Thing You Had To Worry About Was Going Blind.
Smaktakula’s long-ago Sunday school teacher was on to something–masturbation is a quick road to ruin. A San Francisco man is fighting for his life after discovering the heartbreaking realities of the devil’s handshake.
The Lame Thing Is That Now It's Like Rubbing An Overcooked Tater Tot.
The unidentified man apparently burst into flames while pleasuring himself at a local porn shop. Details remain sketchy at this date, and authorities have yet to determine what precisely transformed the lonely degenerate into a human sparkler. Two prominent theories have risen to the fore.
The first is based firmly in physics. A sufficiently vigorous session of self-abuse, explains masturbation scientist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Reuben Spahnk Institute, could theoretically generate a heat sufficient to set human flesh ablaze. Others call this notion absurd, pointing out that were such a phenomenon possible, most males would not survive beyond their junior high school years.
A far more likely culprit in the immolation is a wrathful God, Who has long held a position unfriendly to masturbation. This anti-whacking injunction stretches all the way back to the 38th book of Genesis, where rather than impregnate his brother’s widow, a fellow named Onan takes matters into his own hands and “spills his seed upon the ground,” only to be struck dead by a decidedly unamused Deity. To bolster their evidence, proponents of this theory claim that God has gained something of a reputation in recent years for an increasing activism, pointing to earlier incidents of vengeance such as the August 2005 episode which is widely believed to have resulted from the Almighty’s dissatisfaction with the current state of Dixieland Jazz.
San Francisco: It's Not Like They Haven't Been Warned.
Return Of The Tallywhacker Snatchers
15 Friday Jul 2011
Tags
beaver, Catherine Kieu Becker, childish sexual innuendo, domestic abuse, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, mutilation, penis, porn, porn oddity, severed penis, sex crimes, shredded beef, tallywhacker snatchers
By Smaktakula
If There's One Lesson Life Teaches You, It's That The Biggest Threat To Wood Comes From The Beaver.
Lop-dicked loser John Wayne Bobbitt can thank his lucky stars that his wife wasn’t as smart–or as ruthless– as Garden Grove California’s Catherine Kieu Becker. Bobbitt, it will be remembered, was such an abusive asshole that his wife Lorena sliced off his penis and threw it in a field. After hours of surgery, the dick’s dick was reattached, and he went on to have a minor career as a porn oddity.
Losing His Penis Didn't Make Bobbitt Any Less Of A Dick, Just Less Of A Man.
But Becker was no amateur; she ensured that her estranged husband would rue forever the day he incurred her wrath. Like Bobbitt, Becker sliced off her husband’s penis, using a ten-inch knife. But rather than just leave the severed pecker somewhere it might possibly be found and reattached, Becker ran her husband’s manhood through the garbage disposal before calling 911.
Sometimes, Even When She's Wrong, The Best Thing To Do Is To Apologize.
Although several penis-chunks were recovered, doctors were unable to reattach the ruined Johnson. It is hoped that Becker’s husband will be made whole again when medical science advances to such a degree that a few grams of shredded beef can be restored to its former condition as a fully-functional sexual organ.
Ouch.
Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack
16 Monday May 2011
Tags
'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack
By Smaktakula
Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.
The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything. They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth. But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.
Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.
This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn. As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.
Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.
Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel? The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.
A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.
Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium. Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’ Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’
Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.
SI Swimsuit Issue Quickly Fading Into Irrelevance
16 Wednesday Feb 2011
Tags
Americana, beach volleyball, OB/GYN, porn, pr0n, pseudosport, quaint relics of a forgotten age, SI Swimsuit Issue, smut, spank mags, Sports Illustrated, water-skiing
By Smaktakula
Neither prurient nor graphic enough to qualify as porn, and lacking all but the most tenuous connection with the world of sports (and that limited to water-skiing and beach volleyball), the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now most likely to find a home beneath the mattresses of lonely pubescent boys too inept to successfully navigate the internet.
Sorry, But When A Six-Year-Old With A Computer Can See As Much In An Hour On The Internet As A Busy OB/GYN Does In A Week, There's No Longer Any Place For This Quaint Bit Of Americana.
