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Tag Archives: Smaktakula’s hatred of the San Francisco Giants

Headlines 07.13.12

13 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

≈ 47 Comments

Tags

British smiles, CIA, France, Friday the 13th, Germany, headlines, Iran, Mexico, porn, Queen Elizabeth II, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, United Kingdom

By Smaktakula

We’re Just A Little Surprised That Hallmark Hasn’t Figured Out A Way To Cash In On This Yet.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the stories.

***

More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix ~ At Waldo’s ‘All Things Vibrating’ Pleasure Emporium.

How to Tell Your Partner You Have IBD: 7 Ways to Make Them Understand ~ Irritable Bowel Disorder? Somehow, we think your partner already knows.

Ticks & Pregnancy: How To Protect Yourself ~Ticks are sweet-talkers, that’s for sure, but you need to protect yourself, Honey. You tell him, “I don’t care if it IS smaller than a dust mote–no glove, no love!”

Should Everyone Get an Instadeath Pill When They Turn 75? ~ Oooh, great question! Ask yourself that one when you turn 74, jackass.

Motorcycle officer lassos runaway bull ~ Wow! A dude could fly to the moon, cure cancer, bang the Queen of England and STILL not be as cool as that guy.

Whatever. You Know You Would.

Dominic Deville, An Evil Birthday Clown, Stalks Your Child For A Fee ~ Yawn. Thanks to the National Sex Offender registry, it’s never been easier to find someone who will pay ME for the privilege of stalking my child.

Mom Who Wants 14-Year-Old to Get Breast Implants Needs Serious Help ~ No kidding she does!–Junior Misses’ Fake Funbags don’t come cheap. So pony up, folks!

Former CIA spy advocates overthrow of Iranian regime ~ “The way I see it, we could depose the legitimate government, and maybe put in some despotic strongman who will act in the interest of the oil companies for twenty-five years or so until the people rise up and replace him with an anachronistic and dangerously intolerant theocracy, which could then seize a bunch of Americans…wait, wait, wait…did we already do this?”

Hotel guard kills self in gun prank; CCTV footage records incident ~ Ha! Good one! And he got it on camera so he can watch it later.

7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future ~ #5 is not getting her the Barbie Ultimate Dream Playhouse she’s been asking for. She’s not fucking kidding about that.

Greek leader defies France, Germany on their turf ~ Picking on the French is no big deal; you can kick ’em through the streets of Paris if that’s your thing. But leave the krauts alone. When those people get the idea in their heads that there’s an insidious foreign presence in their midst…well, they go a little nuts.

Seriously, Greece–Put Some Thought Into It Next Time. Do You Really Think Poland Likes Having To Start From Scratch Every Couple Generations?

Saddened Town Recalls History With Drug Giant ~ When he was sober, Paul was a gentleman. But then he’d get to sniffing that glue, and it wouldn’t be long before every building in town was a pile of smashed timber and the streets drowned in a river of blue ox-shit.

Anti-booty camp for male teen porn addicts ~ The camp experience harkens back to an earlier time, when there was no electricity or running water, and teenage boys had to flog the dolphin to a crumpled picture of Kathy Ireland from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

WILL FERRELL AND GORDON RAMSAY INJURED IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCH ~ Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to find proof of God’s existence.

When a Government Rapes Its People ~ Well, what did the people expect, going out dressed like that?

Study – Cancer Survivors Die From Other Things ~ Yeah, that’s  a mind-blower. But here’s where it really gets weird: it turns out that people who DON’T get cancer die of other things at an even higher rate!

Sandy Alderson rips SF Giants fans ~ Those people are just plain evil, and the reasons to hate them myriad.

Wearing This Cap Is An Excellent Way To Tell The World That You Were Suckled By A She-Lemur And That You Think The Holocaust Was A Great Big Lie.

Parents Charged With Killing Daughter’s Pimp Acted Too Late ~ Apparently, pimp-killin’ has a very specific, 24-hour legal window. After that, you have to settle for a pimp-slap.

Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That?  ~ Really? So Mom & Dad never had this talk with you? Okay, well have you ever noticed how your index finger is shaped perfectly to fit inside your nostril? It’s kinda like that.

The Y-Chromosome Is Shrinking! Will Men Go Extinct? ~ If so, you won’t have very long to savor your victory.

New Mexican President Could Target Small Gangs ~ Entirely likely, as it’s the larger gangs to which he’s beholden, like the Zetas or the Mexican Army.

Kate Middleton’s ‘Rotten’ Teeth Reveal the Secret Behind Her Smile ~ It’s no secret that Kate’s British.

The Pain Can Help You Forget That You’re Eating A Boiled Kidney Pop-Tart With Blood-Gravy Filling Swimming In Brown Sauce And Vinegar.

Damn–George Sherrill Is Still Such A Colossal Douche It Isn’t Even Funny!

10 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

Atlanta Braves, Baseball, douchebaggery, George Sherrill, incompetent boobery, Los Angeles Dodgers, San Francisco Giants, Seattle Mariners, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, that shitty beard too!

By Smaktakula
George Sherrill

You Suck So Bad It Makes Our Faces Hurt.

Sorry southpaw suckass George Sherrill has returned to the West Coast, once again in a Mariners uniform. It is perhaps fitting that Seattle is picked by most experts to come in dead last in the American League West, so Sherrill’s dependable incompetence and area code-sized ERA should prove less an embarrassment than it would to a good team, such as the 2010 Dodgers, for whom he was able to demonstrate his shittiness in games which mattered.

And, although we need hardly point it out again, this home run deliveryman has two first names. And one of ’em’s girly.

George Currently Boasts A 27.00 ERA. This Means That Over The Course Of A Nine-Inning Game, You Could Expect To Score 27 Runs Off This Dead-Armed Douche.

He Was Actually Good For The 2011 Braves, Proving This Omegadouche Is Only A Suckass When He Wants To Be.

At Least This Era Of Incompetent Boobery Is Behind Us. The Dodgers Have Suffered Enough.

We Might Not Be So Down On This Cock-Knocker If He'd Just Chosen A More Fitting Team For Which To Suck.

That You Paid Money For The Thing Says Quite A Bit About You. That You Allowed The Moment To Be Captured In A Photograph Tells Us Everything Else We Need To Know.

In His Heart-Of-Hearts, George Knows He's A Douchebag.

Profiles In Dignity

13 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bob Dylan, Burt Bacharach, childish sexual innuendo, Danica Patrick, dignity, evolution, fat people, Hal David, love, moobs, Pedobear, Promethean Times' ongoing commitment to treating all peoples and cultures with dignity and respect, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Star Trek dorks, the myriad facets of gayness, Why am I so fat?

By Tardsie

Some Folks Just Can't Catch A Break.

“Someone showed me a picture and I just laughed
Dignity never been photographed”

Bob Dylan

***

In 1965, songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach opined that love was ‘the only thing that there’s too little of.’  As any starving child in a famine-ridden but over-populated country will readily tell you, there are a great many things much rarer than love, which turns out to be rather common.

Dignity, however, is a dying resource. Experts contend that long-term exposure to media and social diets low in dignity can lead to both spiritual and moral deprivation as well as physical degradation. To celebrate this unfortunate trend, we’ve taken amusing pictures from the internet, and added to the poignancy with our own comments.  Enjoy!

Bonus! The Tank Can Hold Up To A Magnum Of Diet Pepsi.

***

No Matter How Excited You Are, It's Never Okay To Douse The President In Your Personal Fluids.

***

How Many Different Kinds Of Gay Can You Spot In This Picture?

***

San Francisco Is The Only Ballclub Forward-Thinking Enough To Sponsor Its Own Pedophile Outreach Program.

***

There's A Fine Line Between Terrifying And Ridiculous. It's Called The 'Terrifyingly Ridiculous Line.'

***

It Would Appear That Star Fleet Academy Has Relaxed Its Entrance Requirements In Recent Years.

***

Look At The Size Of That Pussy! The One Under The Cat, We Mean (Oh, Don't Act So Shocked; You Love It When We Go Lowbrow).

***

The Ass-Belly Is The Most Disturbing Thing In This Image, And That's Saying Quite A Bit.

***

Someday You'll Be Able To Tell Your Kids About That Time You Made Danica Patrick Throw Up In Her Own Mouth.

***

You Can Laugh, But It's A Finely Tuned Evolutionary Adaptation To Life In Today's Fast-Paced Urban Environment.

***

So how do you go about getting yourself one of those aqua-scooters, anyway? < S.

Fresno: Looking Past All The Suck

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Baseball, California, Central Valley, drugs, Enid, Fresno, If I forget thee T-Town, impoverished first-world hellhole, Los Angeles, methamphetamine, New Appalachia, Oklahoma, places that suck, San Diego, San Francisco, San Joaquin Valley, San Jose, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Tacoma, Washington, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.

Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city.  Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.

You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.

Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities.  Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average  July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.

MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.

Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess.   In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche.  Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.

So Sad.

But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West.  Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America.  Way to go, Fresno!

Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.

*Fresno does have a AAA baseball team, the Fresno Grizzlies. However, we hardly need remind readers that as the farm team for the San Francisco Giants, they don’t really count. ∞ T.

Gayness Audit Results In Downgrade For SF

24 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

California, childish sexual innuendo, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fisting, Frisco, fun with stereotypes, gay meccas, gay people, gay rankings, homosexuality, leather daddies, Minneapolis, Oakland, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, St. Louis, the Advocate, they love to hear it called Frisco

By Smaktakula

It's Sometimes Difficult To Take Bad News With Good Grace.

Who’s taken all the gay from the Bay?  The question has haunted the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco since last January’s gay audit, in which the flamboyant city suffered a humiliating downgrade.

Honey, Please--Don't You Read The Papers? We've Got Real Problems.

In a nationwide survey, gay-themed magazine, the Advocate, tested the gayness quotient of several American cities.  San Francisco, or ‘Frisco’ as locals lovingly call it, came in a disappointing 11th, behind such gay meccas as St. Louis, Pittsburgh and America’s #1 gay city, Minneapolis.

SF's Got Its Panties All Up In A Bunch. That's No Easy Feat With Studded Leather.

This unhappy news struck San Francisco’s hometown homos like an unlubricated fist, leaving many with feelings of betrayed resentment.  Activists are quick to point out that without San Francisco’s brave example in the 1960s and 1970s, gay people might not find the top ten cities quite so hospitable today.   This view fails to take into account that the public has the memory span of a syphilitic goldfish.

It's Not The First Place We'd Look To Find Gay People.

Controversy aside, the study has provided data which shatter preconceived notions about gay life.  The fact that cities like Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Oakland are among the top fifteen cities in the nation that homosexuals call home effectively puts an end to the degrading stereotype that gay people only live in nice places.

Relax. No Matter What Happens To The City, You'll Always Be The World's Gayest Baseball Team.

Don’t Be Too Free With The Pee

01 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Calvin & Hobbes, douchebaggery, I piss on you!, immaturity, Pissing Calvin, public urination, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stupid kids, to my alma mater I apologize, urine

By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself uttering the words, “Oh come on now–who HASN’T pissed all over the receiver of a public phone once or twice in his life?“– we can say with a high degree of certainty that you’re a douche.

Be Like This Unauthorized Image Of Calvin And Use Your Urine Powers For The Benefit Of Humanity, And Not To Its Detriment.

And yes, the rule applies to handrails as well.  You know who you are ∞T.

Hateful Attire Incites Violence

01 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Sport

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Alyssa Milano, assault, Baseball, bigotry, burning the Koran, Emil Haagerdäddi, good steward of the environment, Koran, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball, Nathan Bedford Forrest, obsessive sports fans, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, violence

By Smaktakula

You Wouldn't Sport A Swastika In A Synagogue, Would You?

Chavez Ravine: Yesterday, an unidentified man was given an impromptu lesson in sensitivity after parading around Dodger Stadium in offensive clothing.  In what can only be viewed as a hate-statement, the gentleman is alleged to have been conspicuously displaying articles of clothing bearing the logo of the San Francisco Giants.  Such apparel is not only considered deeply offensive to fans of the Los Angeles Dodgers, but also ritually unclean.

What the man hoped to achieve with this bizarre and provocative act is unclear, but it did attract attention.  Things came to a head when two Dodger fans, possibly attempting to protect their womenfolk from the offensive barrage, found their tormentor and two companions drinking chardonnay spritzers, each politely arguing his own case as the best steward of the environment.

Nathan Bedford Forrest With A Filthy Curve.

The man’s two fair-weather friends are also thought to be San Francisco Giants fans due to the rapidity with which they fled the scene, leaving their companion to his own just desserts.  He was roundly beaten.

“I don’t know what else this man–we’ll call him Bruce Smith-Smythe–expected,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a baseball statipscychologist, “This was an unconscionable act that demonstrates how easily Freedom of Speech can be abused.  Much like Koran-burning and the understandable mayhem it incites, this incident teaches us that there are limits to freedom.”

"Be Not Afraid Of The Enemy, My Son. Should He Strike You Down, Your Heavenly Reward Will Be 72 Alyssa Milanos."

Haagerdäddi claims that ‘Smith-Smythe’ never had a chance.  “Although Giants fans have on average a twenty-point advantage in IQ relative to Dodger fans, and tend to make a whole lot more money, it’s just tough for them to get past that nagging ‘pussy’ factor.”

Whether or not he intended it, the provocative pantywaist was shown the pain words can inflict.  There are some who will say that the bigot got off lightly, and there is validity in this contention.  But if even one Giant fan learns from this incident and is able to conquer his hate, then perhaps it will have been worth it.

That Is So Last Year.

Promethean Times’ 2010 Person Of The Year: Us

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass

By Promethean Times

Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations.  However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.

Did You Know? TIME Was Once Known For Journalism, And Was Considered More Newsworthy Than Its Current Contemporaries, People Magazine And Martha Stewart Living.

The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily.  A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.

There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents.  There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.

US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it.  The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.

One Of These Kids Is More Popular Than The Other.

Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.”  Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.

Then there was the Tea Party to consider.  The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP.  This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.

Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president.  Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person.  She got cheated on and she died?  Tsk.  You will be missed, Elizabeth.

Finally! Someone Faced A Debilitating Illness With Courage And Dignity. Don't You Wish Elizabeth Had Been Your Mom?

Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular.  Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.

Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out.  We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake.  The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.

The Machinations Of This Evil Genius Bedevil Us Still.

We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole.  And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.

Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers.  It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial.  At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object.  And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.

Is This The World You Want For Your Children?

In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers.  Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.

Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010.  In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness.  Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.

And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?

His Infernal Majesty Assures Us That In 2011, He'll Step His Game Up.

Happy 2011, everybody!

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WORD.

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