Tags
advice columns, Ask Tardsie, Astrology, Dear Abby, Dr. Ruth, Fox news, Love Is, MSNBC
By Smaktakula
Yeah, It’s For Sure Our Worst Title Ever, But Focus Instead On The Exciting New Feature.
Specifically, with soliciting questions from our readership!
Daily, a devoted legion of readers around the world turns to Promethean Times for the answers that matter most in their lives.¹ We do not take this responsibility lightly, and as our readers live increasingly complex and demanding lives, we strive to meet their needs.
If This Disturbing Homunculus Could Opine On The Life Erotic, We Figure We Can Talk About Anything.
And what people really need is another advice column. Specifically an audio advice column.
Promethean Times‘ very own advice column, Ask Tardsie, will be debuting in these pages very soon. We invite you to any and all questions to Tardsie about any subject whatsoever. Seriously–dating advice, astrology, cooking tips–you know, whatever. We’ll try to answer all questions, and as honestly as we feel like. If you don’t send ’em, we’ll have to make ’em, up–and we can guarantee they’ll be weak-ass questions like “Why are you so damn cool?” You can submit your questions in the space for comment below or email Tardsie directly at tardsie@gmail.com
There Is Perhaps No Better Barometer Of A Feature’s Worth Than To Know It Is Taking Space That Would Be Better Served By Those Creepy Naked “Love IS” Kids.
In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this first installment of Ask Tardsie. NSFW, but for the typical PT reasons of potty-mouthery, and not any crazy holy rollin’ (and the mix is a bit louder than we’d like, but it won’t sound like the Blue Angels coming through your speakers; we could have remastered it, but thought you would enjoy a little audience participation. We’re helpful like that).
The Difference Between An Advice Columnist And A Dog-Catcher? Not Just Anybody Can Be A Dog-Catcher.
¹And we can say with a straight face that we’re at least as objective as either Fox News or MSNBC.
Promethean Times 
Ask Tardsie: I am so glad that I have somewhere to go to get informed…. or was that in form… Oh, my mistake, thought I was at Gym’s Place.. you know… that hunky guy with the biceps…
Well, if you have any advice along the lines of ‘How to Keep in Shape’ whilst sitting on a chair all day long in front of a computer, I’d be most grateful…. In the meantime I’m off to Gym’s … 😉
I’m the hunky guy with the pecs. Have fun on Beefcake Patrol! And thanks for stopping by!
Tardsie–any advice on making a career change?
Of course! Thanks, Jenn!
Dear Tardsie, I love my youngest son, but he won’t shut up. Even as I type this, he is buzzing around my left ear like a mosquito. Is it proper to physically muzzle a child from age five to, say, age eighteen?
Thank you,
Bill in Greenville
I can help you with your question re: your youngest male offspring.
Duct tape.
Hmmm, could be worth a try.
An excellent question, and one we wrestle with every day. Thanks, Bill!
Tardsie,
Where can I get some bath salts?
Le Clown
Well, when we said anything, we certainly didn’t mean drugs!
(udeday–ontactcay emay ivatelypray. Iway illway ookhay ouryay itshay upway!)
Smak,
Thanks. I’ll Skype you later with Tiny Geek.
Le Clown
yeah, but will you respond to all or just a few?
Well, I guess you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?
In the meantime, I hope you won’t mind if I answer your question with a question of my own. Sort of a Socratic teaching method, if you will. My question is this…
My answer is maybe, maybe not.
Seriously, I try to post a comment and it shows up as anonymous.
so, ANYWAY, the answer to your question is this: MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.
Normally the anonymous messages we get are filled with invective and spelling errors. So you’re kinda distinct.
third time is a charm. Maybe, maybe not. Ignore the two other anonymous comments, so you can delete or let them float around here. I’m so illuminated by your methods.
Dear Tardsie: Why do they call it a “taint?”
Please take this response in every possible context: we are all over the taint.
Dear Tardsie,
I’m almost finished building my time machine but I’m having some difficulty calibrating the flux capacitor. Would you recommend 650 volts or 675 volts?
Regards,
Madame Weebles
We can help. Thanks for the question!
You are totally insane. I lmao listening to the audio clip.
Ask Tardsie:
I live in a rough neighborhood but stil enjoy pizza delivery. Folks ’round here like to beat up and rob the pizza guy so they halted service to this area…sometimes I have the munchies and really want a nice slice of pepperoni – will they ever deliver here again?
This may not fall under your traditional questions – you may have to result to psychic powers which I’m sure you also have.
you may have to result to psychic powers which I’m sure you also have.
Bless you for believing in us Chica Blanca! Help is on the way!
Tardsie,
Is it evil to think about demons a lot?
J
We’ll let you know! Thanks HINowAD!
Cool! Hahaha, thanks 😉
All of the above questions are great, for sure, but can Tardsie please tell me what the hell “NSFW” stands for? I am acronym-challenged, but luckily, I’m not afraid to ask dumb questions, as this one demonstrates.
I am so glad you asked that! hahaha! I googled it and it came back: Not Safe For Work…(?)
Oh, good, there is safety in numbers. Glad I’m not the only one left out of the Tardsie acronym loop.
Not a dumb question. Dumb writer for assuming everybody knew what it meant. If you haven’t already, see my reply to Carrie. But you’re right, it means Not Safe For Work.
That’s not a dumb question, although I did think you were joking and was already preparing an answer for AT. I’ll answer that one now (and honestly) ’cause it seems important. Chica Blanca is correct–it stands for Not Safe For Work. It’s used when you’re sending a picture or sound file that could be offensive in the office or is for some other reason inappropriate.
Well, then, NSFW pretty much applies to all PT’s stuff, doesn’t it? 😉
It depends on your threshold, that’s for sure! For a more thorough response, please see Tardsie’s last line from the recording (including, of course, parts that may not have made the final edit).
Do we follow the Catholic confessional rules as in you cannot divulge any information to anyone else and if I am a good boy I get a pat on the butt? Because if you don’t I doubt I can trust you.
The pat on the butt for sure, man. We’ll have a couple drinks first and see how it goes.
Dear Tardsie, Should I get a buzz cut for the summer 🙂
Thanks, TR–answers forthcoming!
Is it scientifically possible for me to give less of a fuck?
I have never given one to current events or pop culture, and it’s getting pretty dangerous.
I would like to know what kind of dental plan/mental health services your insurance plan offers to the poor 12 year old girl employees at the call center/nike sneaker plant where you have these question/answer sessions recorded.
And are they hiring?
Dental plan? It’s called, “Don’t lose your teeth!.” I hear they’re hiring, but I doubt you’re willing to work for peanuts.
Seriously, peanuts. Sometimes they get a little lukewarm Hi-C, but that’s really about it.
I’d like to know why a cute girl like me doesn’t have a boyfriend.
PS
I don’t have bad breath.