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Tag Archives: MSNBC

More Things We Believe

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

bad parents, Batman, Ben Affleck, censorship, critical thought, cryptids, El Chupacabra, Fox news, Franz Ferdinand, Mexican goat-sucker, MSNBC, short people, shortness as proof of God's wrath, these things we believe, unremitting virginity

By Tardsie

We Don’t Believe In The Chupacabra, Mexico’s Infamous Goat-Sucking Cryptid, But We Kinda Wish We Did. It’s Hella Cool.

***

If you find yourself in agreement with your political party more than 90% of the time, we believe that your unwillingness to engage in critical thought should preclude you from talking about politics except with similarly myopic partisans. If we need your opinion, we’ll get it from Fox News or MSNBC.

There’s A Real Good Chance That At Least One Of These Guys Will Tell You Exactly What You Want To Hear.

***

We don’t think a dude should marry a gal just because he gets her pregnant. However, we believe that decorum dictates he subsequently refrain from knocking anyone else up or marrying them for a period of not less than twelve months.

‘Cause It Starts To Get Expensive Pretty Quickly.

***

If your stars are aligned so perfectly that your biggest complaint is the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman, then we believe yours is truly a charmed existence.

Are You Sure You’re Angry Because He’s Playing Batman? Or Is It Because Ben Has Known The Joy Of A Woman’s Touch, While You Are Mired In Your Ongoing But Unsuccessful Thirty-Five Year Battle With Virginity? Just Checking.

***

My 5-year-old boys like the song Evil Eye by Franz Ferdinand. The other day we were watching a televised performance of the song when one of my boys asked me why the sound went out briefly. I explained that there was an adult word in the song, “shit,” and that the boys shouldn’t use it. They had listened to the song dozens of times, but hadn’t heard the word until it was bleeped. The purity police didn’t bleep the word “bastard,” so my kids still don’t know THAT’s in there.

We believe that censors too often bring attention to that which they seek to hide.

***

We believe that short people should be treated with kindness. After what God did to them, it’s really the least you can do.

Buck Up, Runty! The World Will Always Need Jockeys.

***

We Believe All Kinds Of Stuff!

These Things We Believe, Part The First

These Things We Believe II: Don’t Stop Believing!

We’ve Been Charged With Soliciting!

19 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 42 Comments

Tags

advice columns, Ask Tardsie, Astrology, Dear Abby, Dr. Ruth, Fox news, Love Is, MSNBC

By Smaktakula

Yeah, It’s For Sure Our Worst Title Ever, But Focus Instead On The Exciting New Feature.

Specifically, with soliciting questions from our readership!

Daily, a devoted legion of readers around the world turns to Promethean Times for the answers that matter most in their lives.¹ We do not take this responsibility lightly, and as our readers live increasingly complex and demanding lives, we strive to meet their needs.

If This Disturbing Homunculus Could Opine On The Life Erotic, We Figure We Can Talk About Anything.

And what people really need is another advice column. Specifically an audio advice column.

Promethean Times‘ very own advice column, Ask Tardsie, will be debuting in these pages very soon. We invite you to any and all questions to Tardsie about any subject whatsoever. Seriously–dating advice, astrology, cooking tips–you know, whatever. We’ll try to answer all questions, and as honestly as we feel like. If you don’t send ’em, we’ll have to make ’em, up–and we can guarantee they’ll be weak-ass questions like “Why are you so damn cool?” You can submit your questions in the space for comment below or email Tardsie directly at tardsie@gmail.com

There Is Perhaps No Better Barometer Of A Feature’s Worth Than To Know It Is Taking Space That Would Be Better Served By Those Creepy Naked “Love IS” Kids.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this first installment of Ask Tardsie. NSFW, but for the typical PT reasons of potty-mouthery, and not any crazy holy rollin’ (and the mix is a bit louder than we’d like, but it won’t sound like the Blue Angels coming through your speakers; we could have remastered it, but thought you would enjoy a little audience participation. We’re helpful like that).

https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/ask-tardsie-07-18-12.mp3

The Difference Between An Advice Columnist And A Dog-Catcher? Not Just Anybody Can Be A Dog-Catcher.

¹And we can say with a straight face that we’re at least as objective as either Fox News or MSNBC.

Headlines 09.14.10

14 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABC, Afghanistan, arthritis, Barack Obama, BBC News, BLTs, breakfast killing spree, Bud Selig, Chicago Tribune, Germans in large groups are best avoided, Governor Moonbeam, headlines, infidels, Iraq, Islam, Jerry Brown, Kentucky, LA Times, leeches, Meg Whitman, Moose, Moose Knuckle, mosque, MSNBC, New York Times, pets, Proty II, San Francisco Chronicle, Seattle Times, Somalia, Taliban, Time, USA Today, who reads USA Today anyway?

By Smaktakula

In which we can’t be bothered to read the articles, but are quite happy to comment on the headlines.

Because Promethean Times Is Above All Else Topical.

Time  Iraq: What Will The Remaining 50,000 U.S. Troops Do?

  • We dunno; try not to die?

New York Times  Moose Offer A Trail Of Clues On Arthritis

  • How can this NOT be about the Moose Knuckle?

Seattle Times  Islamic Center Debate Stupefies Muslim World

  • Unaccustomed as it is to debate.  Also to women drivers and BLTs.

MSNBC  Somalia rebels looking like Taliban – World news – Africa – msnbc.com.

  • Pretty much any form of government is an improvement in that anarchic hellhole.

ABC  Deadly Attacks Across Iraq After US Troop Numbers Drop Below 50K

  • But didn’t we win?

Chicago Tribune  Can Your Pet Read Your Mind?

  • What?  Are you a child?  No!

USA Today  Bud Selig Attends Ceremony For Bud Selig Statue

  • If he didn’t show, he’d be an even bigger douche than he already is.

LA Times  Whitman targets Bay Area voters with ad attacking Brown

  • Whitman wastes her fucking money.

LA Times  Plastic bag ban is a job killer

  • Yeah, but it makes us feel like we’re doing something for the environment without expending any effort.

NY Times  Afghans Pull Money From Weakened Bank

  • Wait–Afghanistan has a bank?

San Francisco Chronicle  Killing spree suspect’s downhill slide

  • Trajectory of the slide: He killed a guy, and it was all downhill from there.

Reuters  Obama says his economic policies halted “bleeding”

  • Leeches will achieve the same end.

BBC News  Six dead after US breakfast killing spree in Kentucky

  • The sausage patty tried to calm things down, but the scrambled eggs was tweaking on some bad ice he’d scored the night before.  Scrambly was jumpy; he was constantly fiddling with his gun while shouting lines from ‘The Wedding Planner’ at the top of his voice.  It was only a matter of time before things turned bloody.

New York Times  Long Dormant, German Pride Blinks and Stirs

  • United Kingdom braces for massive influx of French refugees.

Political And Media Elites Surprised, Dismayed By Would-Be Terrorist’s Lack Of Whiteness

07 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Islam, Justice, National Events, National Politics, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Religion, Terrorism

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Contessa Brewer, Eric Holder, Faisal Shahzad, Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, home-grown terrorism, Islam, Michael Bloomberg, MSNBC, muslims, nanny state, Obama Administration, Obamacare, Political Correctness, Rachel Maddow, radical Islam, Tea Party, teabaggers, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy.  Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white.  So was Ted Kaczynski.  And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.

Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*.  The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts.  Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.

Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy.  The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.

The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian.  He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.

After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends.  Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists.  This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.

Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race.  It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.

In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims.  The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.

Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:

Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

This Guy Is Totally Bummed

Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:

Why Is She So Full Of Hate?

Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.

*Promethean Times wishes to stress our firm stance that Islam is a religion of peace.  Every right-thinking person knows that it is only because of a few misguided individuals and a great many Western bigots that people have this hugely incorrect view of Muslims. Therefore, we feel that any retaliatory action against Promethean Times, including but not limited to fatwas, jihads and other assorted beefs, would be unwarranted.  Not that any Islamic person would perpetrate an act of violence–please see the first sentence in this note regarding Islam being a religion of peace.  But just so we’re clear, if Islamic people were the type to start killing people who said things with which they disagreed (and again, we’re not saying that they are–Religion of Peace!  Religion of Peace!), hopefully they wouldn’t feel the need to revenge themselves against Promethean Times.  Although undoubtedly we have done something to deserve it, for which we are most grievously sorry.  As-Salamu Alaykum

MSNBC: Not Afraid To Ask Ridiculous Questions

27 Saturday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Duh, Science, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

carbon footprint, Chile earthquake, climate alarmism, climate change, earthquake, fault zone, faultline, global warming, Hawaii, man-made disaster, MSNBC, nature out of control, Pacific Ocean, Ring of Fire, science fiction, subduction zone, temblor, tsunami, U.S. Geological Survey

In the throes of a humanitarian crisis, it’s always important to ask ridiculous questions. 

Posits MSNBC: Is Nature Out Of Control? 

A better question would be: Has nature ever been subject to human control?  Only in science fiction. 

Dur

Grapple with life’s Big Questions with MSNBC: Big quake question: Is nature out of control? – LiveScience- msnbc.com. 

Smaktakula

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