alcohol abuse, Barack Obama, Baseball, breast implants, breastuses, Diabetes, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, Jewish people, Los Angeles Dodgers, marijuana, natural selection, obesity, Pauly Shore, PMS, pot, reefer, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Wrigley Field
In which we respond to the headlines without reading the articles. Reading is for the weak.
Why This Isn’t ‘The Most Important Election’ ~ Because they can’t ALL be, right?
Cool or creepy? It kisses back ~ Depends on what ‘It’ is.
Secret Service Reportedly Bragged About Obama In Brothel ~ So you’re just gonna take the hooker’s word for it?
Packers aide whose son died gets Miami job ~ So the story has a happy ending after all.
Drink a couple of beers & you might ace a test ~ Not a field sobriety test, though. Be warned.
7 ways to fix weird odors ~ 1) Bathe. 2) Bathe again. 3) Cologne. 4) Bathe. 5) Bathe. 6) 1 hour of intensive burlap dermabrasion therapy. 7) Bathe.
Popular Antibiotic May Raise Risk of Sudden Death ~Wait! They’re taking cardio-arrhythmocin off the market?
First-time porno viewer sees his wife in film ~ Yeah, ‘first time.’
Actress ‘can’t look away’ from boob jobs ~ We’re the same way.
Beaten for being born a girl? ~ Pussy can make men do crazy things.
23 Zoo Animals That Will Eat Your Children ~ 23 fun new ways to relieve yourself of an unwanted burden.
Iranian president: Israel ‘nothing more than a mosquito’ to Iran ~ No fair! We get in a whole mess of trouble when we call Jews ‘bloodsuckers.’
Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? ~ Pfft. We’ve called 9 year-olds a whole lot worse.
Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed ~ Well, for one thing, if occupied at the time of destruction, it would go a long way toward solving America’s obesity epidemic.
World record holder for ‘longest time to live with a bullet in the head’ dies ~ Pauly Shore–are you reading this? We may have just discovered your way back into the public eye!
Group argues weed is safer than booze ~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.
Study: Heavy teens have trouble managing diabetes ~ Whereas physically fit teens have trouble contracting the malady.
2 teen girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on Pa. road are struck by car … ~ We can’t help but see this as a big win for the gene pool.
What’s the reason for Dodgers’ early surge? ~ Awesomeness, mostly. Pure awesomeness.
Women with PMS are better at seeing snakes ~ And that, folks, is absolutely the most positive spin they’re able to put on it.
‘Marrying down’ now is trending among women ~ Like that’s new. Hello? Smaktakula’s married!
Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’ ~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.
Obama falls to Earth as just a politician ~ It happened a while ago, actually. The press is just now picking up on it.
How much can you trust a diagnosis from Dr. Google? ~ Seriously? Change your name, Creepo, and stay away from gynaecology altogether.