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By Tardsie

But Then, We Believe All Kinds Of Crazy Shit.

For more things we believe, click here!

On Happiness. Again.

If you’re not happy right this moment, but can think of something someone can give to you or do for you that would make you happy, then you’re doing it wrong.

We believe that nothing can make you happy.

We Didn’t Say You Couldn’t BE Happy, Just That Nothing Will MAKE You Happy. Jeez. See? This Is Why People Don’t Like You.

On Speaking Real Good

We believe that people with good vocabularies spend more time searching for definitions in the dictionary than do folks with lackluster vocabularies.

We Find This Question Sometimes Helps: “What Does That Word Mean?”

Life Is A Box Of Chocolates, And There Are Some Nutty Ones In There

If you’re dating a woman who, when you jokingly say “You’re crazy,” responds vehemently “DON’T CALL ME CRAZY!” we believe that you must wriggle out of this relationship with a quickness. She’s crazy.

And If You Haven’t Yet Had Sex With Her, For God’s Sake, DON’T! They Never Get Any Less Crazy After That Happens, Right?

On Test-Taking

I’m a pretty good test-taker. SATs, GREs, Driving Test, Employment Quizzes, etc.¹–my secret to keeping my head and doing well is the same for all of them. It’s not excessive studying or keeping myself up nights determined to do well. It’s not even my–admittedly magnificent–intellect. My test-taking secret is that I simply don’t care about doing well on the test. If I perform poorly, I’ll just take the fucker again. For this reason, I rarely test poorly.

However, throughout your life you will face some tests you can only take once and in which your answers will have a direct and significant effect upon your future, but these aren’t on paper. We believe these are the only tests that really matter.

More Along These Lines, But Perhaps Not So Childishly Simplistic.

If You’ve Gotta Go…

A few years ago I worked in an office with my coworkers Suzie and Dot. Suzie was explaining that she had to go to the funeral of a woman from her church who had recently died.

“How did she die?” I asked.

Suzie explained that her friend, who was 89 years old, had been swimming laps at the local community college pool when she died suddenly from a stroke.

“What an awful way to die!” said Dot.

We disagree. We believe that as far as these things go, that’s a pretty good way to die.

This Is A Bad Way.

¹ Drug tests too. However, the prep work is a little different. ∞ T.