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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: crazy people

These Things We Believe II: Don’t Stop Believing!

22 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Philosophy

≈ 42 Comments

Tags

crazy bitch, crazy people, death by stroke, death by wolves, Goofus & Gallant, happiness, tests, we believe, why am I so unhappy?

By Tardsie

But Then, We Believe All Kinds Of Crazy Shit.

For more things we believe, click here!

On Happiness. Again.

If you’re not happy right this moment, but can think of something someone can give to you or do for you that would make you happy, then you’re doing it wrong.

We believe that nothing can make you happy.

We Didn’t Say You Couldn’t BE Happy, Just That Nothing Will MAKE You Happy. Jeez. See? This Is Why People Don’t Like You.

On Speaking Real Good

We believe that people with good vocabularies spend more time searching for definitions in the dictionary than do folks with lackluster vocabularies.

We Find This Question Sometimes Helps: “What Does That Word Mean?”

Life Is A Box Of Chocolates, And There Are Some Nutty Ones In There

If you’re dating a woman who, when you jokingly say “You’re crazy,” responds vehemently “DON’T CALL ME CRAZY!” we believe that you must wriggle out of this relationship with a quickness. She’s crazy.

And If You Haven’t Yet Had Sex With Her, For God’s Sake, DON’T! They Never Get Any Less Crazy After That Happens, Right?

On Test-Taking

I’m a pretty good test-taker. SATs, GREs, Driving Test, Employment Quizzes, etc.¹–my secret to keeping my head and doing well is the same for all of them. It’s not excessive studying or keeping myself up nights determined to do well. It’s not even my–admittedly magnificent–intellect. My test-taking secret is that I simply don’t care about doing well on the test. If I perform poorly, I’ll just take the fucker again. For this reason, I rarely test poorly.

However, throughout your life you will face some tests you can only take once and in which your answers will have a direct and significant effect upon your future, but these aren’t on paper. We believe these are the only tests that really matter.

More Along These Lines, But Perhaps Not So Childishly Simplistic.

If You’ve Gotta Go…

A few years ago I worked in an office with my coworkers Suzie and Dot. Suzie was explaining that she had to go to the funeral of a woman from her church who had recently died.

“How did she die?” I asked.

Suzie explained that her friend, who was 89 years old, had been swimming laps at the local community college pool when she died suddenly from a stroke.

“What an awful way to die!” said Dot.

We disagree. We believe that as far as these things go, that’s a pretty good way to die.

This Is A Bad Way.

¹ Drug tests too. However, the prep work is a little different. ∞ T.

Bald Can Be Beautiful

11 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

breast cancer, Britney Spears, cancer, crazy people, Kellie Pickler, Miss You Mom

By Smaktakula

The world fell in love with singer Kellie Pickler when she shaved her head to highlight breast cancer awareness.

See? Bald Can Be Beautiful.

And we don’t disagree. Given the vapid, superficial nature of the entertainment industry, Pickler’s statement is indeed brave. And for those who have lost a loved one to cancer, the singer is a reminder of that person’s courageous struggle.

So who doesn’t love Kellie Pickler?

This chick:

“Die, Bitch! Die!”

***

UFOlogists

02 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

aliens, baseball caps, crazy people, flight jackets, Ufologists, Why am I so crazy?

By Smaktakula

These modern-day flat-earthers would probably be taken more seriously if their business outfit was something other than a baseball cap and a leather flight jacket.

Look, It's Human Nature To Want To Get Laid. But You're Doing It Wrong.

Milton Bradley: An Even Bigger Douche Off The Field

03 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Baseball, crazy people, death by Milton Bradley, douchebaggery, Major League Baseball, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities, Why am I so crazy?

By Smaktakula

Still Crazy, Just Not Doing It Professionally Any More.

Just a few weeks ago, it seemed that troubled former Major Leaguer Milton Bradley, out of baseball now for several months, would retire to a life of quiet anonymity completely removed from his lightning-rod professional career.  But you’ve got to hand it to the troubled former athlete–lacking fans, teammates or umpires to serve as outlets for his all-consuming flashpoint rage, the man still manages to make do.  This time the victim was his wife.

A year-and-a-half ago, before the 2010 Major League Baseball season, Promethean Times optimistically opined on Bradley’s ability to act like an adult with new team, the Seattle Mariners.  Seattle would soon prove to be the last of Bradley’s eight teams in his twelve-year MLB career.

Since His Exit From The MLB, Bradley Has Been Forced To Lower His Expectations.

Toward the end, Bradley made belated efforts to right his rapidly sinking ship.  Not long into the 2010 season Bradley requested–and was granted–a medical leave of absence from the Mariners while he dealt with his craziness.  Although Bradley’s behavior proved not to be a tremendous distraction for the Mariners, his anemic hitting was, and he was released not long into the 2011 season.

Now it seems that the hyperactive has-been is trying to improve his lifetime average of .271 at home.  His wife reportedly called the police after fleeing the house, alleging that Bradley was attacking her with a baseball bat, swinging wildly.*  Sources close to Bradley expressed disappointment, saying that the ball-player’s swing shows a real lack of patience and plate discipline.

Say What You Will About Their Product, But The Parker Brothers Always Treated Their Ladies With Respect.

* It makes you wonder what Bradley was doing with a baseball bat now that he’s no longer playing professional ball.  It’s not like Smaktakula keeps his old Arby’s uniform around for a rainy day. ∞T.

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bigotry, childish sexual innuendo, Christianity, Claymation, crazy people, Davey & Goliath, death by automobile, death by drunk driving, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Gay Pride Parade, God Hates Fags, homosexuality, IEDs, Kansas, New York, New York City, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Westboro Baptist Church, Wizard of Oz, yokels

Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

“Iron” Moshe Tyson

15 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"Iron" Mike, boxing, cannibalism, crazy people, disgraced athletes, dreidel, eat children, Jews, Judaism, kashrut, kosher, Lennox Lewis, Mike Tyson, orthodoxy, pugilism, ritually unclean, shechita, so is Allah cool with Mike going Kosher?, treif, vegan

By Smaktakula

Wait A Moment, Michael. Ask Yourself, "Does This Meal Meet With The Standards Of Kashrut?"

Terrifying former pugilist “Iron” Mike Tyson has a reputation for being difficult.  However, in this instance the seething bag of resentment has made work easy for Promethean Times.  He hasn’t just set the ball, but spiked the damn thing as well.  Observe:

Mike Tyson, who has recently declared himself a vegan, plans to open a chain of kosher/vegan restaurants.

"I Very Much Regret Thaying I Wanted To Eat Lennox Lewith's Children. Even If They Had Been Prepared In Accordanth Wiff The Law, They Would Motht Likely Thtill Be Treif, And Thuth Ritually Unclean."

“I have a little dreibel, I make it out of clay, when ith dry and ready, wiff dreibel I thall play…”
“Mike?  Mike?”
“What?  Why’d you thtop me?”
“It’s ‘dreidel,’ Mike.  Dreidel with a ‘D.'”
“Thath what I thaid!”
“Oh, sorry.  I thought you said . . . never mind, Mike–let’s try it again.”
“You know, you’re really thtarting to upthet me.”

Star Whackers Target Hollywood D-Listers

26 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

actors, Actors' Equity Union, autoerotic asphyxiation, California, Canada, Cousin Eddie, crazy people, cretinous bumbler, David Carradine, Dennis Quaid, Evi Quaid, Heath Ledger, jackassery, Kingpin, National Lampoon's Vacation, political asylum, Randall Rudy Quaid, Randy Quaid, restraining order, Santa Barbara, scandal, Seattle, star whackers

By Smaktakula

Most Observers Are Amazed That Quaid Somehow Managed To Maintain A Three-Decade Career Before The Inevitable Implosion.

Is there a secret cabal of assassins intent on taking down Hollywood one actor at a time?  Cretinous bumbler Randy Quaid and his wife Evi think so.  Fearing such a shadow force, the Quaids appeared before Canada’s Immigration and Refugee Board seeking asylum.

Much Like The Lovable Inbred Who Made Him Famous, Quaid Is Said To Be A Tiresome Houseguest.

Quaid, best known for playing  half-wits and morons in films like National Lampoon’s Vacation and Kingpin, is said to be afraid for his life.  Quaid claims that eight of his friends, including actors Heath Ledger and David Carradine, have died in the past few years at the hands of a mysterious organization known only as ‘Star Whackers.’  While Carradine’s sad demise from autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand does indicate a propensity for whacking, Heath Ledger is believed to have died from an overdose of prescription pills.

Carradine: An Altogether Different Kind Of Star Whacker.

Despite the official findings and conventional wisdom, Quaid maintains that these deaths are not suicides or tragic accident.   In a handwritten note shown to the press by the Quaids’ attorney, the formerly-bankable star wrote:

Yes we are requesting asylum from Hollywood ‘STAR WHACKERS.’
American authorities believe that the star whackers are an invention to distract focus from the Quaids’  legal woes.  A Santa Barbara court has issued a warrant for the couple’s arrest, after the Randy and Evi failed to appear at a hearing stemming from property damage the pair is accused of causing.

Quaid Calls His Upcoming Star Wars Role 'The Part I Was Born To Play': Jar-Jar Kenobi, Obi Wan's Slower, Fatter And Far Less Talented Older Brother.

The Quaids are no strangers to scandal.  Randy managed to get himself banned for life from the Actors’ Equity Union and fined $81,000 for his treatment of castmates in a Seattle production of Lone Star Love.   Although she was not involved with the production, Evi Quaid’s threatening behavior toward the cast earned her a restraining order.

It remains to be seen whether Canadian authorities will seriously entertain the Quaids’ request for asylum.  The choice cannot be an easy one.  Canada must balance her proud tradition of sheltering the politically  oppressed with the knowledge that if the Quaids are allowed refuge in the country, the formerly pristine nation will be one step closer to becoming the USA.

Randy Quaid Has Four Inches Of Height Over Younger Brother Dennis, But That's About It.

Career Opportunities: United Nation Office For Outer Space Affairs

15 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aliens, career opportunities, corruption, crazy people, diplomacy, graft, insanity, it came from outer space, make-work projects, Mazlan Othman, ridiculous ideas, Ufologists, United Nations, United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, wasting money

By Smaktakula

Mazlan Othman heads the United Nation Office for Outer Space Affairs.  Despite recently published rumors, Othman said her office will not be acting as diplomats in the event Earth is visited by extra-terrestrial life.

"Thanks UN, For Bringing Meaning To My Pathetic Existence."

Given that the UNOOSA has eliminated diplomacy from its purview, a job with this agency can be very lucrative and undemanding.  In an organization already famous for its corruption and ineffectiveness, the UNOOSA offers an unequalled opportunity for both.

Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: General Butt Naked

07 Thursday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Africa, blood-drinking, butt naked, Christianity, crazy people, cross dressing, demonic possession, Devil, freeballing, Gen. Naked, General Butt Naked, General Junk All Hangin' Out, homophobia, human sacrifice, Joshua Blahyi, Liberia, mass murderers, massacre, militias, nakedness, not responsible by way of Satan, nudity, Sarpo, Truth and Reconciliation Commission, unfortunate nicknames, unpunished war criminals, warlords

By Smaktakula

General We Understand. But Why Butt Naked?

In 1971, Joshua Blahyi’s parents christened him with a perfectly respectable name.  But during the first Liberian Civil War of the early-1990s, the young Sarpo tribesman became better known as the infamous General Butt Naked.

That the name sounds reminiscent of a comic book super-villain is appropriate.  According to his own testimony before Liberia’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Gen. Naked and his forces slaughtered upwards of 20,000 people.  While such a figure does not propel him to Hitlerian status, it does confirm his status as a free-swinging cock.

Which, perhaps not coincidentally is how Gen. Naked acquired his colorful nickname.  Said to lead his troops clad in nothing but sneakers and an assault rifle, the freeballing guerilla struck fear in the hearts of his enemies.

"Because Of The Atrocities, Human Sacrifice And Blood Drinking--All Performed Nude, I'd Like To Add-- People Have The Idea That I'm Some Kind Of Monster."

His savagely loyal troops were often similarly non-attired.  Sometimes they would dress in drag before their raids, presumably to strike extra fear within the hearts of any homophobes among their victims.

Sister Is Doin' It For Himself.

The General’s career began when he received a phone call from the devil at age 11.  Backed by his infernal sponsor, Naked was soon a high priest among his tribe, practicing a fanatical polyglot Christianity which incorporated aspects of several local faiths.  The warlord admitted to acts of child sacrifice and blood-drinking on the eve of battles.

General Butt Naked is reformed now, and works as an evangelical minister in Liberia.  The General claims to feel “very bad, so bad” about his former crimes, but insists that as one possessed by the devil, he is not responsible for his actions. The nickname he keeps around as a sort of souvenir.

God Forgives Reverend Butt Naked. Why Won't The Families Of His Victims?

Corrupt Afghan Despot Revealed To Be Complete Nutbag

24 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Afghanistan, Barack Obama, batshit crazy, Bob Woodward, comical despots, corrupt Afghan despot, crazy bastard, crazy like a fox, crazy people, Hamid Karzai, Hamid Karzai is batshit crazy, nutbag, Obama's War, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, treachery, United States of America, with friends like these

By Smaktakula

Crazy? Crazy Like A Fox. A Fox That's Really, Really Crazy.

Investigative reporter Bob Woodward’s soon-to-be-published book, Obama’s War, contains a number of revelations which may be embarrassing for the Obama administration.  One such embarrassing detail has nothing at all to do with President Obama or the United States, but concerns an important, if odious ally: corrupt Afghan despot Hamid Karzai.

Obama’s War confirms the long-standing rumors that in addition to being despotic, treacherous and short, Karzai is straight-up crazy.

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