Tags
botulism, Earl, fast food, Kathy, KFC, schadenfreude, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, vomit
By Tardsie
Remember Folks: You Are What You Eat.
The Colonel’s Revenge
In which something funny becomes unfunny, but then becomes funny again!
Bonus!
Tardsie opines on the practice of trafficking underage sex slaves:
Tardsie shares a personal detail:
Promethean Times 
Tardsie and I both mention vomit in our posts today. I feel a special kinship.
By the way, the final sentence of the hearing loss audio made me think of Napolean in Napolean Dynamite. Sounded like something he’d say in the tone he’d say it.
Ha! Sadly it does. Initially, I misread your comment to mean the last sentence of the first piece. I listened a couple times and thought “What the hell is she talking about?” But then I realized.
Shuu!
Well, in your defense, wondering what the hell I’m talking about is a fair state of mind on most occasions.
I hadn’t eaten at a K.F.C. in probably a quarter of a century, but, one day while having some work done on my car, I found that the local K.F.C. was the only place within walking distance of the garage where I could get something to eat.
I was pretty horrified by the experience. First, I was dressed down by an assistant manager for asking for a replacement side order on a chicken combo. Apparently, that was a huge faux pas at K.F.C., akin to asking your best friend if he wouldn’t mind if his wife would give you a blow job.
Then something cool and mummified, wrapped disdainfully in a sticky box appeared on a tray in front of me, along with a listless milkshake of indeterminate flavor. It became apparent that this was the thing I’d ordered (after I was summarily overruled.)
I ate the thing warily as my peripheral vision registered shadowy men with mops lurking in dark corners. I left out a side door, a blast of hot air from an air-conditioning unit assaulting me in desperate counterattack. Like a prisoner in desperate escape, I found myself nearly running back to the auto garage, each step lessening K.F.C.’s psychological hold on me. I was nearly free.
When the hygiene-impaired counter-clerk in the garage presented me with a bill for $379.68 for what amounted to an oil change, set of new wipers, and an auto fist-fuck, I was more than happy to oblige.
At least I had escaped the side order of “biscuits and gravy.” I imagine it is still sitting there on that same table at K.F.C. even today, waiting…just waiting.
What a delightfully awful story! I’ve no doubt your missing side was kept under the hot lights for a few more hours until some other unlucky soul chanced upon that KFC. I think the last time I ate at a KFC was when I was 15. It was a combination of the food making me queasy, and a kid I knew in school who worked there.
“I’m against it” — hahaha! — wait no that isn’t funny — I’m against it too!
I just wanted to take a stand!
Oh, my….. o.Oa… I happen to like KFC…. if it’s fried chicken, it’s that. That’s disturbing. Did he file a complaint?.
I don’t believe he did, but I’m curious, so maybe I’ll ask him. Another friend of mine got sick from AM/PM. They did compensate him, although I don’t remember how much (it wasn’t a fortune by any means).
And there’s always a chance your KFC is one of the “good” ones.
Hmmmm, …. Oh, one thing, be careful of any fast food that has jelly in it, or snacks with jelly. It’s a medium for growing bacteria in a petri dish. *_*
Am I Allowed To Say “You Have A Sexy Voice” ???
Like Seriously, Dude.
You Should Get A Job Doing Audio-Books.
Hell, I’d Buy Them Just To Hear Your Voice.
You’re Like A Sexy Version Of William “The Shat” Shatner!
Oh, And Your Subject Material For This Was PRICELESS, Broseph!
Spot On, Dude, Spot On! 😉
-B.
Am I Allowed To Say “You Have A Sexy Voice” ???
Oh, hell yes, man.
You Should Get A Job Doing Audio-Books.
I dunno, I hear that’s a bad crowd. Lots of drug fiends, etc.
You’re Like A Sexy Version Of William “The Shat” Shatner!
Thank you?
Oh, And Your Subject Material For This Was PRICELESS, Broseph!
Thank you!
Yeah, those audio-book folks are a shifty lot.
KFC gives me nightmares. Literally. Each time I’ve eaten a bucket from that untrustworthy Colonel, I’ve gotten the worst nightmares. It usually involves me having to make out with Lorenzo Lamas.
Gross, KFC. But (and trust me I’m no fan of KFC), I’ve had the same in from upscale restaurants. Who knows what they do or don’t do back there where they cook it? Ew. Now, I get why you don’t like loud noises.
I’ll eat at KFC about every six months. Because that’s how long it takes for the memory from the last time I ate at KFC to fade.
Was that Earl himself doing the vomiting noises in the recording?
And was he using the “deaf voice” for it? (Yeah, thats how low class I am – I ended with a preposition.
Every time I hear people talking about ending sentences with prepositions I can’t help but think of the great lines delivered by Joe Pesci in With Honors:
“Which door do I leave from?”
“At Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
“Okay. Which door do I leave from, asshole?”
Another great thing that came out of The Colonel’s Revenge and Earl….
Whilst listening to your (half deaf with little to no effect upon your voice) audio, I saw Sweetie dog’s coat all over the rug. It is now Springtime in Oz (a very, very warm Spring) and Sweetie dog is molting all over ‘everything’…. (she has no sense when it comes to keeping the community areas clean and tidy)…. Anyway, I saw all this white/beige/red hair and thought, “What would Tardsie do?” Immediately my hand reached for the masking tape… I know, it was a miracle coming out of the computer screen. I then (down on my knees) began to erase that hair from the rug (naturally, the tape changed to a sea of brightly coloured frill that I’m thinking of making into a belt for next winter.) Before you had completed your denunciation of the beast my rug was, once again, pristine (that is; it shone with hairless wonder).
May I say Thank You Tardsie; your tales have won the day again.
Errrr… I can’t remember what the first great thing was…. that was too long ago… 😉
Is it faster to record audio than to write? I have a feeling it would be slower for me because I would probably burst out laughing repeatedly and then have to repeat the process. (It’s also probably better for my reputation if people don’t hear me laughing at my own jokes.)
I know this is technically a story about food poisoning, but I have to tell you, it was your second audio tale that killed me! Also, your SEO search terms must be interesting.
Yeah, my search terms are pretty bizarre. I gave up doing posts about them, because there’s only so many “cock” jokes in my repertoire.
And I didn’t answer your first question. Yes, and no. Recording takes a few more steps, but the execution is a little looser. When I go into the booth I do have a script, but I ad-lib a little as well, and the finished piece is the best elements of the two.
Your imitation of the ‘deaf voice’ made me literally choke on my laughter! Man, you are funny! (and I’ve had 2 cases of food poisoning in my life – not from KFC, though – you DO feel like you are dying).
Thanks, CB!
I’ve also had two bouts of food poisoning, and they were ghastly. I chose this story because it happened to my friend, and therefore was funny. I think everyone can agree that when I am sick and suffering, only a heartless individual could find that funny.
I’m glad that the suffering caused by my physical handicap could make you laugh. I kid, obviously–I wouldn’t have brought it up if I wasn’t comfortable making fun of it. In case anyone is wondering, though, the hearing loss thing is true.
What?
When I was itty-bitty, I would talk really, really fast…so fast, all my sentences would run together. The doc told my mom not to acknowledge me until I would slow myself down or I was going to have to have speech therapy. I get sick with the flu – I’m puking for so long I get severly dehydrated. One of the few trips to the ER. No food or water until they were sure I could keep it down. I’m in the hospital bed, begging as excruciatingly slow as I can, “May….I…please…have…a…drink…of….water…” awww….my mom cries every single time she tells this story! “You poor little thing, you were trying so hard not to talk fast! It just broke my heart!”