abortion, Barack Obama, Baseball, Bill Clinton, blame Obama, bull sharks, childish sexual innuendo, David Hasselhoff, death by cop, Germany, Germany's dark history, great white shark, Gruenenthal, headlines, ignorance--it's what we do, illegal aliens, Iran, Jay-Z, Jimmy Carter, Los Angeles, Malala Yousafzai, Minneapolis, Mitt Romney, morning after pill, no that's *fellates*, Ronald Reagan, San Francisco Giants, sex, sex scandal, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas, Thalidomide, Vietnam
In Which We Comment On The Day’s Headlines
Without Bothering To Read The Articles
Resort’s Snow Won’t Be Pure This Year; It’ll Be Sewage ~ Well, that stinks!
Cops fatally shoot suspect wanted for impregnating 11-year-old ~ The tragedy is that a child was robbed of its father. We mean the as-yet-unborn child, not the one the guy knocked up.
Players on contending teams have more fun ~ Which flies in the face of the widely held belief that being a loser is the fucking bee’s knees.
Obama: Jay-Z ‘knows what my life is like’ ~ At first we were gonna scoff. We reconsidered when we realized that President Obama has thus far avoided the sexual pitfalls that marred Bill Clinton’s time in office. Like the man said, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”
Swarm of wasps attack preschoolers ~ Some headlines are funny without our help.
I Was a Welfare Mother ~ And I’m pretty sure you’re the father of at least two of my kids.¹
Man drags great white shark into ocean ~ You fool! You’re going the wrong way!
More details emerge on US ambassador’s last moments ~ It turns out they were the worst moments of his entire life.
Teen accused of killing Texas county official found dead ~ Folks, how many times must it be said? Don’t Mess With Texas.
German thalidomide maker Gruenenthal issues apology ~ “However, on behalf of zee Tcherman people, I vould like to add zat zis iss hardly zee vurst tsing vee haff done.”
Does the morning after pill induce abortions? ~ If it doesn’t, we want our fucking money back. Seriously, we’re gonna need that cash.
Minneapolis workplace shooter lost job hours before rampage ~ So in a waaaaaaay, it’s Obama’s fault.
Woman Faces Harsh Reality From Butt Injections ~ It’s really only that first butt injection that takes your breath away; it gets easier after that. Who knows? You might even learn to like it.
Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill marries model ~ The semi-retarded pleasure-bot will be known simply as “Mrs. Followill” until such time as she needs a name.
Romney Deflates the President ~ So in a way, he’s kind of a prick.
Study: Bull sharks have strongest bite ~ Yeah, we’ll believe that when we see it. They’re called ‘bull’ sharks for a reason.
Iran Felicitates Vietnam on National Day ~ Doesn’t that mean, like, to give someone a blow job?
Giants seek to beat Cards at own game ~ The game of baseball, you mean?
Raising Successful Children ~ There are as many theories of child-rearing as there are parents. Our method involves sharp rebukes and extended periods of isolation when the children speak without first being addressed by an adult. Hey, if we can get ’em to shut up for five minutes, we call that a success.
‘Because of you, I trust no one’ ~ Then there’s no more we can teach you.
For Young Jews, a Service Says, ‘Please, Do Text’ ~ Then comes the guilt!
Los Angeles mayor wants ID card for immigrants ~ It’s only fair that they should have something to not have to show when it’s time for them to vote.
How Men Work, When It Comes to Sex ~ Man, that’s the only reason we work at all! You see, the likelihood of you putting out increases along with our bank balance.
Girl shot with Malala: Memory of attack ‘still in my head’ ~ Also, the bullet.
10 Signs Your Employees Are Having an Office Romance ~ They’re humping on your desk as you read this.
Bonus! Because you’re so sweet, here’s a twofer:
Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Unless you’re a field of dandelions, you’ve got no business being ‘ravaged’ by rabbits. We’re thinking that maybe God didn’t intend that these birds should live.
Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Given what they named the place, we have to imagine this isn’t the first time that’s happened.
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
Oh Dear, I Haven’t Laughed That Much This Early In The Morning For Quite Some Time. You’ve Gotta Hand It To Smak, He Never Fails At Making Me Giggle A Bundle.
Sheer Perfection For An Early Morning Read AND Laugh, Fo SHO, My Peeps!
Oh, How I Do Love Me Some Smak!!!
And I Mean You, RK, Not The Injection/Snort Version!!!
(*teehehe*) Though, I Have Heard That Version Is Highly Loveable, Also.
It’s Just More Likely To Kill One Via Overdose. 😉
Your Type Of Overdose Is Causing One To Die From Laughter!!!
HA HA HA 😀
Ha! This post has so many things I love – judgement, sweeping generalizations, humping… good stuff.
Thanks, Kelly! We do our best talking out of our asses!
William Miller said:
So, there really are killer rabbits, as in Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Great stuff, man. Far too much to choose just one, though I am partial to your theories on raising successful children.
And yeah, rabbits are real motherfuckers.
I never have to actually read about world events/new since you so succinctly wrap things up, Smak. And thanks for the link back.
Love and Lunchmeat said:
Really at the end of the day, I just want access to company e-mail… And then I’ll assume anyone who uses emoticons with each other is having an affair.
Carrie Rubin said:
I had to click open the first link, because I figured the headline about the ski resort using sewage was just a way to draw the reader in–surely it was misleading. But when I read the article, I found this: “This coming ski season, the resort, Arizona Snowbowl, will become the first ski resort in the world to use 100 percent sewage effluent to make artificial snow.” Sometimes a headline actually does depict the real story, I guess. Pee-U!
Yeah, skiing is fun, but who wants to do it that bad? You’re always told “Don’t eat yellow snow?” But when you’re plowing face first through that sludge at 120 miles an hour, some of it’s sure to go down your gullet.
Madame Weebles said:
I share your posts with Mr. Weebles all the time, they’re THAT FUNNY. You and he have very similar senses of humor. I’m not sure which of these is my favorite. I’m partial to the one about the German thalidomide apology, because I can’t get enough Germany humor. But I also love the one about the girl shot with Malala–I’m thinking you’re right about the bullet. And finally, the one about how to know your employees are having an affair. Brilliant, as always, Smak.
Thanks, Weebles! I, too, appreciate humor at the expense of the Hun. It’s ironic, in a way, as they are a tremendously unfunny people.
And regarding Mr. Weebles–I’m delighted to have my work shared with a dude who made cancer his bitch (his other bitch, I mean).
Sword-chinned bitch said:
You got me at ‘semi-retarded’. I love the word retarded (and bums, as in homleless). But I don’t think we’re supposed to be using it anymore and I should be up on this right, especially because I’m black — I mean African American?
I used “semi-retarded,” because as a wise man once said, “You never go full-retard.”
In all seriousness, while I find the word “retard” to be ugly, I don’t have any problem with the word ‘retarded’ when it’s used in a clinical sense. ‘Mentally challenged’ seems almost like a cruel joke.
Labels are funny things. My wife told me a story about a friend of her sister, who is black, who would (rather cheerfully, she said) correct people when they called him “African American.”
Jen and Tonic said:
I wish we could shoot all pedophiles. I also thought the snow thing was a gimmick, and was shocked to find out the truth. GROSS.
Yeah, when I write these things I really don’t read the articles, so until Carrie mentioned above that it was real sewage, I figured it had to be an error or an exaggeration or something along those lines.
Thanks for reading, Jen!
What’s with the rabbits buggin’ the seabirds? They’re not aggressive, but truly, they ARE destructive, so they’re in the right place after all. Ask me, I know… One thing rabbits do well is chew and dig, wait, that’s two things… Well, I really meant to say three things… and the third one they’re super skilled at!
I keep reading that headline – TEEN ACCUSED OF KILLING TEXAS COUNTY OFFICIAL FOUND DEAD! Good old absence of punctuation and grammar- it always gives me a lift!
So, a teen is accused of killing a county official found dead in Texas. I’ve got the idea. Tex was dead, and the kid tried killing him again! How much deader can Tex get? 🙂
Can you be any more funny? You are a comedic treasure, Smakola!
I love these posts. I hate that I didn’t think of it first, but I do enjoy them. Bastard.
Obama should just use that Jay Z quote for the rest of his campaign. Don’t bother with all the other stuff, that one is brilliant.
I also like the Kings of Leon one with the unnamed model. Maybe she’s a shop window model and that is why she has no name.
Cakes and Shakes... said:
I see your rabbit on Destruction Island story, and raise you some peckish rodents: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/irishsun/irishsunnews/4503904/.html
Yikes! At least rats are a creature you can see yourself being devoured by. I spend a couple hours each day thinking about it.