Anaheim Angels, avoiding responsibility, Barack Obama, binge drinking, black people, breast implants, breastuses, celebrity deaths, childish sexual innuendo, comical despots, death penalty, DUI, fun with stereotypes, great white shark, Greece, headlines, Holocaust, Japan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-un, Kylie Minogue, legitimate rape, Mary Kay, Mitt Romney, Molly Ringwald, North Korea, peanuts, Phyllis Diller, racism, Rally Monkey, rape, Sikhs, Snoopy, Spongebob Squarepants, Tampa Bay Rays, Taylor Swift, Teletubbies, Ukraine, untalented authors, white people, whitey, your mother must be very proud
In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.
Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?
Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”
Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.
What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.
Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”
Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.
I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.
Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.
Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.
Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.
How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.
Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.
For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.
Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.
The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.
Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.
Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.
Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.
‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.
Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.
Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.
Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.
Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.
How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!
Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.
Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.
North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.
Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.
El Guapo said:
Curious to know which of these links gets the most clicks. I have my suspicions.
Isn’t the “childish” part of the cat pic caption redundant?
Isn’t the “childish” part of the cat pic caption redundant?
Yes, but I’ve never been afraid of redundancy. It’s true–I’ve never been afraid of redundancy.
You Already Know I’m Laughing My Ass Off…
…But Telling You I’m Laughing My Ass Off Makes It So Much Better! 😉
You’re too kind, Brad–it’s always a great feeling to know you’ve given someone a laugh.
William Miller said:
“Join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.” Loved that bit. As far as the big-boobed girl, I’ll keep my comments to myself. This is a family site.
This is a family site.
Thank you for remembering that we ARE a Manson Family site, Bill!
Carrie Rubin said:
Good lord, each breast on that woman is the size of my head. Maybe bigger. But my boyfriend, Biden, doesn’t care. So glad you included him. His last oral turd was a real doozy.
I think as a culture we make way, way too much out of “gaffes.” It’s honestly frightening to me that we have to be so circumspect in our speech. Biden tends to get a free pass. Ironically, this one seems to have stuck a little bit, and it seems much more innocuous than some of the moronic things that guy has said.
Carrie Rubin said:
I hate to even think of the verbal missteps that would come out of my mouth were I forced to speak in public day in and day out.
I suspect I could do it, but I think it would ruin me, or the part of me, anyway, that I consider “me.”
You such a freak, but in a good way. I don’t have to read the headlines, I just read your comments and I just don’t know what to say. Have a great weekend! (P.S. Carrie has a serious crush on Biden).
Carrie Rubin said:
What can I say? I’m a sucker for anybody who can spout such verbal diarrhea and consistently get away with it. It gives hope to the rest of us bumbling orators.
(P.S. Carrie has a serious crush on Biden).
I know–could she make it ANY more obvious?
Mocking the ample of chest isn’t funny (unless they’re fake.) All I know is that if gravity has its way my 38D’s will be down to my knees before long.
Please don’t misunderstand–I’m quite fond of large breastuses, providing they’re natural.
Exactly, and you know a skinny little wraith with 38KKK’s is just not natural. Imagine when she’s 50 something and they’re dragging the ground.
I’d rather not!
The senate candidate that thinks you can’t get pregnant from rape – kinda freaks me out – it’s hard to believe there is someone that stupid in the world…(scary)
and we all know the Mermaid has wrinkles, fat rolls, and scars – they just ‘air-brush’ those things away to give her that perfect youthful look – she aint foolin’ nobobdy.
That chick has got some HUGE boobies! Dear God!
There are three things that stand out to me here. 1) What is with these Ukranians? How can Spongebob be homosexual, there is no gay scene down where he lives? 2) What was JCVD doing getting his dirty paws on “our Kylie” (ok technically she is Australlian, but she has been pretty much adopted by the UK). 3) That “Legitimate Rape” claim rarely getting a woman pregnant, still bugs me. That theory was popular 700 years ago, and is more disrespectful than I would have time to complain about (any mre than this), here.
Madame Weebles said:
Dayyyum, those cans are even bigger than mine. And although I had to read the header about “We Sold You” twice, it was worth it because I LAUGHED.
You made my day Madame W! I feared no one would get that. I almost shunted it into the growing pile that will someday soon comprise Headlines: The Duds. I’m not kidding–you have been warned.
The Muscles from Brussels will only truly impress me if he admits never having been in a film worth watching.
I wouldn’t know. I had to check IMDB to confirm this, but I have never seen a movie Van Damme has been in (I’ve seen ten-minute snippets) with the exception of “Breakin'” in which IMDB claims the great Belgian had an uncredited dance role.
Count yourself among the fortunate.
Ha! I do, Tom–I do! It’s not a matter of principle so much as it is that I’m not into action movies, and he’s in no other kind.