By Tardsie
When You Find Yourself Bragging About Amenities Like Running Water Or Paved Streets, It’s Time To Face The Ugly Fact That You’ve Got Nothing At All Going For You.
Part II in our hard-hitting series on Gentleman’s Clubs. Be sure to check out Part I: De-Billed and Unfulfilled.
This One Has It All!
Kids Possibly Getting Hurt Off-Camera!
West Coast Chauvinism!
Bad Singing!
Promethean Times 
Friends don’t let friends live in Scranton.
Last strip club bachelor party I went to ended with a night in the emergency room, and the groom getting married with stitches in his head.
Good times…
Just so you know, when the video ended, youtube suggested a whole bunch of Jonas Brothers crap to watch next. So I think you’ve found your niche…
It was GREAT, Smak! I loved it – laughed my ass off, especially when you made up the song..(I can honestly say I have never been in a strip club before.)
Thanks so much Chicago Blanca. I had fun with the song, although the video ended up being longer than I wanted.
I really don’t think you’re missing much in not having gone to a strip club. I’ve been to a few and although there have been cosmetic differences, the dancers pretty much all look the same, and they do the same tired, half-hearted gyrations to the same overloud, bass-heavy music.
Like most dudes, I find the concept of naked women to be very appealing, but somewhat less so when it’s their job.
“Everything’s great like snot.”—You have a gift for writing lyrics. My eyes teared up. Really lovely.
By the way, I love the fact that ‘Why am I so stupid?’ is one of your more commonly used tags. Self-esteem issues?…
I think it’s sweet–and I mean this sincerely–that you went with stupid and completely ignored fat, despite it being right there next to stupid.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Thank you!
Scranton is what the people of Hazleton, PA aspire to be some day. I’m serious. If you’ve ever been to Hazleton, you’d know what I mean.
You’ve never been to Marengo, OH then. It’s the Mobile Home Capital of the Midwest!
My first impression of Hazelton was that if it had been bombed, it would have been an improvement, and I’m from Bridgeport, CT. Remind me to avoid Marengo.
Barstow, CA, is also a dump.
If you’re not from rural Ohio, the odds of even finding Marengo are pretty slim. And it’s in a dry county to boot. Detroit on the other hand is the absolute worst place I have ever been unfortunate enough to visit, and that’s from someone who’s been to Cleveland and Chicago. It’s a war zone.
I’ve been to neither Hazleton nor Marengo, but now I wish I had. I’ve been to Barstow, and it is indeed a hole (and lying on the edge of the Mojave, a sun-baked one), but at less than 20,000 people, I don’t think the heinous factor can get that high.
Now Fresno and Bakersfield, both of which are bigger than most people realize, are reminiscent of third-world hellholes.
Loved the Bruce parody, “This Shitty Shitty Town”! If I ever go to a strip club, I’ll make sure that it’s not in Scranton. “All God’s creatures are beautiful in their own way” — how diplomatic, Smak.
Well, in a sense I really believe that, in that I think everybody CAN be beautiful (and I’m so tempted to just end this by saying…”if they just lose about twenty pounds, get their teeth fixed and do something about that chest”, but I have a serious point in mind) in their own way. I don’t think I’m alone in finding that a person’s physical attractiveness is influenced by other factors, such as personality, disposition (also boobs & bank balance!) and the like. A great personal example is Anna Nicole Smith. When I first saw her in Guess ads a million years ago, I thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen–a voluptuous sexpot. Then she opened her mouth and she became a blobbish object of pity. Conversely, Jodie Foster isn’t much to look at (not by Hollywood standards, anyway), but she’s got a certain something that makes her super-hot to me. And YES, I am aware that this lust is fruitless. But maybe if I could think of some kind of stunt to impress her. It would have to be REALLY big…
John Hinckley thought the same thing about Jodie Foster- and look what that got him.
Not only am I aware of that, it’s what I was referring to when I said: But maybe if I could think of some kind of stunt to impress her. It would have to be REALLY big…
I’ve met Jodie (back in the day when I was a journalist for a New York minute). She definitely bats on my team and not yours, Smak, but I did find her bright and interesting. Since you’re my cyber pal, it’s okay if you feel like you’ve now met her by extension through me.
LOL!! Great song, awesome video, and I’m thinking there’s a bit of Scranton to be found everywhere. Booze, strippers (well, one ‘starry’ stripper), testosterone, and a woman who doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut – who would have thought this would in any way get out of hand…..
Well put, Alex. In thinking about it, I’m surprised there isn’t more violence at these places. First, take into account that it isn’t pillars of the community (usually) who are frequenting these places. Then, tease those guys for a couple of hours and fill ’em with alcohol. Seems dangerous.
as always..thanks for the chuckle and the entertainment 🙂 Don’t tell my Dad.. classic
Sounds kinda like Lansing MI- the sort of place you go (not ’cause you want to, but because for some reason you have to) and then you wonder what exactly the attraction is. I wish I’d taken a pic of the indoor pool at the roach motel where Dad and the boys were staying before I left. It would probably had mortified my friend who is an inspector for the county health department. There was what appeared to be an oil slick on the surface of the rather green jello-y looking water, and grease stains (?) on the diving board.
I really hope Dad buys a new van very soon. I don’t want to have to go to Lansing or any other dubious destination at a moment’s notice again for awhile. As soon as he got the van fixed and got it back home, it blew a head gasket. I’m just glad that happened just a block or so away from his shop. He’s since repaired that, but at 180,000 miles anything can and will fail- anytime.
Lansing is nicer than Detroit, but then the cats’ litter boxes are more aesthetically pleasing than Detroit. There is one thing in Lansing’s favor though: the Big John’s subs. Cheesesteak to die for.
Well, if I ever find myself in Lansing, I’ll try the cheesesteak. I like going to out-of-the-way places, actually (I also enjoy bitching about them). And I sometimes like sampling regional cuisine (in Scranton, they were very high on their ‘white pizza’–it was okay).
That drive to (and from) Lansing must’ve been a drag. I generally like drives, but I looked on a map to see what your route would have been (I have to confess that I didn’t realize MI & OH shared a border), and it didn’t look so hot. Pretty flat, though, so that’s a plus.
It’s a very boring, flat drive. Especially once you get north of Toledo. The worst drive I’ve ever taken as far as boredom factor was Columbus to St. Louis. Indiana and Illinois are all pretty much flat cornfields, at least what you can see from I-70. If you make the mistake of taking I-70 through Indianapolis, you’ll see that it’s kind of a hole- but not nearly as much of a hole as Cleveland or Detroit.
If I want a fun drive I’ll go down south where there is at least some scenery. That’s why I liked it when my sister lived in North Carolina- it gave me an excuse for a nice road trip and a few days out of town now and then, Since she moved back to Ohio I don’t have much of an excuse to go on a long road trip which kind of sucks.
I’d like to go back to the Smoky Mountains again. Virginia and Tennessee are lovely this time of year. I also want to go to the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia- that’s my next travel project.