11 Saturday May 2013
Posted in True-Ass Tales
When You Find Yourself Bragging About Amenities Like Running Water Or Paved Streets, It’s Time To Face The Ugly Fact That You’ve Got Nothing At All Going For You.
Part II in our hard-hitting series on Gentleman’s Clubs. Be sure to check out Part I: De-Billed and Unfulfilled.
Kids Possibly Getting Hurt Off-Camera!
West Coast Chauvinism!
Bad Singing!
04 Monday Feb 2013
Tags
Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming
And They All Lived Happily Ever After.
Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!
What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.
The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?
Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!
Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.
What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.
Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.
Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”
Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.
Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.
Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.
Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.
The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.
Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.
Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!
Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.
It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….
Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.
Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.
Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.
The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.
Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.
Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.
Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”
Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’
Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.
Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.
“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”
Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.
Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.
Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.
’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”
Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.
Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?
Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.
19 Monday Nov 2012
Posted in Culture
Tags
backwater shithole, California, Fresno, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Morro Bay, New Appalachia, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, places that suck, San Joaquin Valley, Scranton, unlivable places
Because Beauty And Livability Are Overrated.
It’s no secret that my jet-set life takes me to some pretty exciting places. Longtime readers will remember that last March I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to Valley City, North Dakota with my grandmother, and I’m sure I’ve told you at least once about that time I went to Scranton, Pennsylvania for a wedding.
It’s True. Life Takes Us To Some Pretty Exciting Places.
Today’s trip won’t pack on the mileage of either of those exotic journeys, but will very much be a journey to another world. As I write these words, tucked within the nurturing bosom of civilization and all its attendant luxuries like electricity, indoor plumbing and an atmosphere free of manure, I know that in just a few hours’ time I will be in a land that time (and just about everyone else) forgot.
I’m going to Fresno!
JEALOUS? Yeah, You’re Jealous.
Not unlike Adam and Eve, who were also driven eastward into a harsh and unforgiving land so different from the paradise to which they had become accustomed, once I cross the Santa Lucia and Temblor Ranges (really just hills if you live West of the Mississippi; mighty mountains if you don’t) I’ll be in the Appalachia of the West–the San Joaquin Valley.
“And Cain Went Out From The Presence Of The LORD, And Dwelt In The Land Of Nod, In The East Of Eden.”
We’ll Be Staking Out The Unemployment Office To See If We Can Get An Autograph.
02 Monday Jul 2012
Posted in Culture, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking
Tags
1776, all men are created equal, Declaration of Independence, Founding Fathers, Great Britain, Independence Day, John Hancock, July 2nd, July 4th, King George III, liberty, Liberty Hall, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Redcoats, taxation without representation, this day in history, Thomas Jefferson, United States of America
On which the Founding Fathers tell the tyrant King George III what he can do with his onerous taxes and hated Redcoats.
“Brothers, Let These Words Ring Out Not Only Across A Grateful Nation, But Also May They Resound Throughout Almighty Posterity Itself: Because In Signing This, We Are Good And Truly Fucked.”
02 Thursday Feb 2012
Tags
buggery, Canada, Chris Elliot, Groundhog Day, groundhogs, hyperthyroidism, insurance professionals, Ned Ryerson, Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney, Punxsutawney Phill, true meanings of holidays, TV weathermen, United States of America
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!"
On which, not unlike our superstitious, cave-dwelling, moon-worshipping ancestors, we seek guidance on the mysteries of nature from a hyperthyroid rat named Punxsutawney Phil. Legend has it that if Phil sees his own shadow on February 2, you’ll be doomed to repeat the same awful day of your life–taking piano lessons, assaulting insurance agents and killing time with Chris Elliot–until you mend your selfish ways.
Punxsutawney Phil Is No Less Reliable Than This Asshole.
Regardless Of Whether He Sees His Shadow, Phil Can Expect Six More Weeks Of Buggery.
31 Monday Oct 2011
Tags
anachronisms, Brody Hall, Corry, dingus, exhibitionism, flashers, full Monty, genitals, intoxication, junk, man-meat, Pennsylvania, pervertry, perverts, public nudity, your mother must be very proud
Exposing Your Junk To Perfect Strangers Is A Time-Honored American Tradition.
The modern world changes with such baffling rapidity that innovations in technology, fashion and language are transforming yesterday into an unrecognizable anachronism. The information age has rendered obsolete the newspaper, the personal letter and the DMV. Thanks to the plethora of pornography available at a keystroke, even the naked human body has become a curious relic of a bygone age. Pennsylvania pervert Brody Hall made a game effort to turn back the clock on our cynical era by returning some of nudity’s whimsicality and sense of fun. But like so many other gentle dreamers, Hall found himself crushed beneath the weight of an impersonal, uncaring societal juggernaut.
A devotee of the lost art of flashing, Hall treated his hometown of Corry, Pennsylvania with an up-close-and-personal view of the young man’s dingus. After ensuring that he was sufficiently liquored up, Hall knocked on random doors throughout the forgotten backwater, rewarding those who answered with a full Monty. Hall later explained that his intentions were to “scare the children.”
Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.
But as with so many lofty goals, Hall’s plans met with an insurmountable obstacle: an uncaring, anesthetized society with no time for such old-timey foolishness. So it was that Hall’s luck ran out when he unknowingly displayed his genitals to Corry’s chief of police, who wasted no time in bringing an end to the exploits of the dangling do-gooder.
The local authorities contend that society is safer without being forced to regard Hall’s waggling man-meat, and perhaps they’re correct. Maybe there’s no longer any room in this age of instant gratification for a charming relic of yesteryear like the flasher. Still, society owes a debt to men like Brody Hall. Thanks to small core of dedicated craftsmen who continue to practice exhibitionism, a charmingly anachronistic piece of our heritage is being preserved for posterity.
Horatio Coxswain, The Legendary 'Marysville Masher,' Was Famous For Exposing Himself While Riding A Bicycle.
12 Tuesday Jul 2011
Tags
Amnesty International, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bad grandparents, bad kids, child abuse, Clinton Heights, Evil Ones, gingers, Granny Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Marilee Ann Kolynych, nanny state, parental rights, Pennsylvania, Problem Child, wakeboarding, waterboarding
Granny Gitmo
Clinton Heights, Pennsylvania, has joined that growing list of places where parents are legally prohibited from disciplining their own children as they see fit. 63-year-old grandmother Marilee Ann Kolynych learned this the hard way when she sought to teach her grandson a lesson about gluttony.
Kolynych has apparently long prided herself in taking an active role in raising her grandchildren. So, one morning when her grandson proved too rapacious at breakfast, consuming a few extra slices of bacon, Kolynych took matters into her own hands. Kolynych chased the boy into the yard and forced him to the ground, while beating him about the arms and legs and spraying him full in the face with a garden hose.
You Don't Think This Kid Deserves It? Maybe Just A Little?
Although the boy was not seriously harmed during the pre-lunch assault, and will certainly think twice in the future before snatching an extra piece of breakfast meat, Kolynych was arrested the following day. She is now free on bail.
We Get Waterboarding And Wakeboarding Mixed Up. Which Is The Fun One Again?
Activists on both sides of this issue are studying Kolynych’s ordeal with great interest. Some agree with the prosecution that the Guantanamo Granny’s actions constitute abuse, and hope that Kolynych will receive a fitting punishment. However, many others feel that American parents are slowly losing the right to discipline their own children.
Promethean Times agrees with these beleaguered parents. Is it not enough that we can no longer use waterboarding techniques to extract recipes and childhood memories from the Evil Ones? Not content to stop there, the courts now see fit to strip this age-old right from parents.
Even Amnesty International Doesn't Have A Problem With Waterboarding If Your Child Is A Ginger.
Promethean Times 