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By Smaktakula

Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero.   In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years.  He became a hitman.

"Yo Tengo Mi Mente En Mi Dinero Y Mi Dinero En Mi Mente."

Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel.  Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.

Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang.  Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.

No Es Bueno: It Turns Out That Being A Narco's Lady Entails More Than Just Carats and Coke.

Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels.  Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.

Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego.  Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.

That's Right, Barbie: He's Younger, More Famous And Has A Better Nickname.

However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born.  Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.

Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire.  For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.

Pussy.

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