bad grandparents, ballet, dope, drugs, FDR, fun with foreigners, ghost baby, grass, headlines, hemp, homosexuality in ballet, ignorance--it's what we do, JFK, Joe Biden, marijuana, minky moo, Neil Patrick Harris, Orange County, poor people, prostitution, Puerto Rico, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, War on Poverty, weed
In which we respond to real headlines without first bothering to read the articles.
Why nobody calls when you apply for a job ~ Because–and I mean this in the nicest way possible–you fucking suck.
7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders ~ Well, actually crippling them is one, obviously.
Neil Patrick Harris is happy to host the Emmys ~ ‘Happy’ is obviously code for gay. Think about it: who would actually enjoy hosting the Emmys?
‘Ghost baby’ born w/o blood in Orange County ~ That’s a ‘vampire baby’ you nitwit.
Police sting prostitutes after recent attacks on sex workers ~ “We’re protecting these women by aggressively prosecuting them for selling something they’d be perfectly within their rights to just give away.”
Why ‘war on poverty’ not over ~ ‘Cause there are still poor people left alive?
Grandpa Saves Himself, Leaves 3 Young Grandkids Behind… ~Gramps didn’t get as old as he has by taking a lot of unnecessary risks.
8 College Degrees with the Worst Return on Investment ~ Smaktakula has two of them!
JFK and FDR had 1 weird trick that can let you retire 100% tax-free. ~ And yet they both were forced to work right up until the time of their deaths. Sounds like a great trick.
Why Biden won’t win ~ Because, say what you will, America hasn’t completely lost its fucking mind.
Could you pass a US citizenship test? ~ Of course I can. I am neither stupid nor a foreigner.
3 Ways Guys Can Drop 20lbs Quickly ~ One is to hack off your own leg with a wood ax. You should probably check out the other two first, though.
Skiing in My Own Backyard ~ Is what poor people do.
What is a father supposed to call his daughter’s minky moo? ~ Ewww! Not that! Never that.
The Crisis in Contemporary Ballet ~ Well, for one thing, it’s completely gay–and not just in the homosexual way.
Would you tell your kids you got high? ~ Oh man, I am so not looking forward to that conversation.
How Much Money Should Moms Be Paid? ~ Assuming Mom has a job outside the home, she should be paid approximately 70% of that job’s salary.
Why more Puerto Ricans are living in mainland U.S. than in Puerto Rico ~ Esto es “no-brainer.”
When my daughter ran into a burning car: to save her doll ~ We became childless.
Why You Should Color Your Gray At Home ~ Because nobody needs to see that grim Brillo-Pad of yours out in public.