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By Smaktakula

You Will Find This Nowhere In LA.

Here’s Why:

1) Superfluous. The LA-OC Metro Area is also the home the more historic and culturally significant Los Angeles Dodgers (of Los Angeles), and the Southern California area already includes the Padres, San Diego’s semi-pro ball club.

There Can Be Only One.

2) Dishonest. Claim Los Angeles as home base, but play in Anaheim, over 30 miles away. Moreover, the team has claimed no fewer than four home locations in its half-century of iniquity: Los Angeles (legitimately), California, Anaheim and now the ridiculous LA-Anaheim hybrid. What are they hiding? What don’t they want you to know?

To Be Fair, For Five Of The Team’s Fifty-Plus Years, The Los Angeles Claim Wasn’t A Filthy Lie.

3) Homophobic. Although no evidence whatsoever exists to support this rather irresponsible claim, it should be noted that “angels” are frequently associated with Christianity, which itself is practically synonymous with homophobia.

In Private Conversation, Some People Refer To Them As The “GAYngels.” Not Us, Though. That Kind Of Childishness Really Isn’t Our Style.

4) Cruel. Many years ago, Mike Scioscia did us wrong.¹

Yeah, That’s A Funny Trick To Play On A Ten-Year-Old Who Only Wanted An Autograph. We’re Glad You Got Fat, Fucker.

5) The Rally Monkey. The fucking Rally Monkey.

This Hideous Creature Is Quite Simply An Affront To All Which Is Decent And Good.

¹That we were able to swallow our animosity while Mr. Scioscia was a member of the Los Angeles Dodgers should in no way invalidate our argument, but rather serve as a reminder of our persistent and nearly blinding hypocrisy. ∞ T.