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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Category Archives: Science

Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand

02 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Science, Sport

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

bad grandparents, ballet, dope, drugs, FDR, fun with foreigners, ghost baby, grass, headlines, hemp, homosexuality in ballet, ignorance--it's what we do, JFK, Joe Biden, marijuana, minky moo, Neil Patrick Harris, Orange County, poor people, prostitution, Puerto Rico, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, War on Poverty, weed

By Smaktakula

“HEAD Lines.” Get It? Do You Get It? We’re In A Very Literal Place Right Now.

***

Ass-Talking!

Ignorance!

Intellectual Laziness!

In which we respond to real headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Why nobody calls when you apply for a job ~ Because–and I mean this in the nicest way possible–you fucking suck.

7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders ~ Well, actually crippling them is one, obviously.

Neil Patrick Harris is happy to host the Emmys ~ ‘Happy’ is obviously code for gay. Think about it: who would actually enjoy hosting the Emmys?

‘Ghost baby’ born w/o blood in Orange County ~ That’s a ‘vampire baby’ you nitwit.

Police sting prostitutes after recent attacks on sex workers ~ “We’re protecting these women by aggressively prosecuting them for selling something they’d be perfectly within their rights to just give away.”

They Must Care An Awful Lot About You And Your Kids To Throw You In Jail Like That. By The Way, Where’s The Dude?

Why ‘war on poverty’ not over ~ ‘Cause there are still poor people left alive?

Grandpa Saves Himself, Leaves 3 Young Grandkids Behind… ~Gramps didn’t get as old as he has by taking a lot of unnecessary risks.

8 College Degrees with the Worst Return on Investment ~ Smaktakula has two of them!

JFK and FDR had 1 weird trick that can let you retire 100% tax-free. ~ And yet they both were forced to work right up until the time of their deaths. Sounds like a great trick.

Why Biden won’t win ~ Because, say what you will, America hasn’t completely lost its fucking mind.

If You Can’t Choose Between The Country Of Your Birth And America’s Age-Old Enemy, Canada, Then You Don’t Deserve To Be President.

Could you pass a US citizenship test? ~ Of course I can. I am neither stupid nor a foreigner.

3 Ways Guys Can Drop 20lbs Quickly ~ One is to hack off your own leg with a wood ax. You should probably check out the other two first, though.

Skiing in My Own Backyard ~ Is what poor people do.

What is a father supposed to call his daughter’s minky moo? ~ Ewww! Not that! Never that.

The Crisis in Contemporary Ballet ~ Well, for one thing, it’s completely gay–and not just in the homosexual way.

Right Off The Bat We Can Identify Like Four Different Kinds Of Gay.

Would you tell your kids you got high? ~ Oh man, I am so not looking forward to that conversation.

How Much Money Should Moms Be Paid? ~ Assuming Mom has a job outside the home, she should be paid approximately 70% of that job’s salary.

Why more Puerto Ricans are living in mainland U.S. than in Puerto Rico ~ Esto es “no-brainer.”

When my daughter ran into a burning car: to save her doll ~ We became childless.

Why You Should Color Your Gray At Home ~ Because nobody needs to see that grim Brillo-Pad of yours out in public.

If You Intend To Live Your Life Looking Like A Steel Wool Q-Tip, Be Sure To Devote Some Attention To Developing ‘Inner Beauty.’

 

***

Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said To Have Proved The Existence Of God

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, Mythology, People, Religion, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

brilliant dirty weirdos, crazy bastard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, Dr. Grigory Perelman, famous virgins, mad Russian genius, Mathsputin, people with unibrows, Poincare Conjecture, proof of God, proving the existence of God, Russia

Not content to rest on his laurels after conquering the Poincaré Conjecture, Promethean Times’ favorite brilliant, dirty weirdo has apparently gone all metaphyisical.  According to a pal, Grigori Perelman believes he has proven the existence of God.      

Grigori, Grigory . . . Whatever. Is All Good

This information may be suspect, however.  This same friend claims that Perelman is–get this–a virgin.        

The day a brilliant, dirty, Russian weirdo sharing a cockroach-infested apartment with his mother in Ivanhoe, Siberia can’t get laid is the day the sun rises in the west.  Of course, stranger things have happened.      

Is True.  I Am Crazy Bastard Who Proved God Exists.  You Read: Grigory Perelman Uncertain if He Should Be Rewarded for Proving Existence of God – Pravda.Ru.

Smaktakula

Mad Russian Genius Content With Solitary Life Of Vodka-Drenched Squalor

29 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, People, Science, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

$1 Million prize, brilliant dirty weirdos, Clay Mathematics Institute, cockroach-infested, crazy bastard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, intractable math problem, living in squalor, mad Russian genius, Mathsputin, people with unibrows, Poincare Conjecture, recluse, Russia, solved math problem, St. Petersburg, turned down prize money, weirdos, world's cleverest man

Not Only Is Grigori Blessed With Movie-Star Looks, But He Also Won Some Math Thing

The solution to the fiercely intractable Poincare Conjecture was thought to be so elusive that the Clay Mathematics Institute offered a prize of $1 million to anyone who could provide a verifiable answer.  Russian mathematician Dr. Grigori Perelman has solved it.          

It turns out that the crazy bastard is refusing the prize money: the excruciating and now-thankless mathematical task was apparently reward enough.           

In a nation known for brilliant dirty weirdos, Dr. Perelman is certainly the most superlative brilliant dirty weirdo to appear on the Russian math scene in some time.            

Said to be the world’s cleverest man, Dr Grigori Perelman, 44, lives as a recluse in a bare cockroach-infested flat in St Petersburg. He said through the closed door: ‘I have all I want.’            

The Doctor certainly has the right attitude, and if Perelman’s life is compared to another person’s–say a prisoner in a South American jail–it doesn’t look half bad.  No doubt the eligible ladies of St. Petersburg are asking themselves, Is there by any chance a Mrs. Dr. Perelman?            

Perelman’s complete lack of avarice is both commendable and refreshing (this is perhaps the only quality which might be called refreshing in a man whose funk is so formidable that its reek escapes the two-dimensional confines of a photographic image).  However, no one would think any worse of the brilliant mathematician if he were to accept $25-$50 of the prize money, with which he could purchase a grooming tool at the St. Petersburg Bed, Bath & Beyond. 

If Perelman can solve the Gordian Knot of mathematics, surely he can do something about that unibrow.            

Is True.  I Am Crazy Bastard.  You Read: World’s cleverest man turns down $1million prize after solving one of mathematics’ greatest puzzles | Mail Online.            

Smaktakula

LA Times.com: Leviathans May Battle In Remote Depths

08 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Mythology, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

awesomeness, California, giant squid, great white shark, kraken, LA Times, leviathans, Marine Conservation Science Institute, megalith vs. kraken, megalodon, mythic creatures, National Geographic, sea monsters, shark vs. squid

Megalodon vs. Kraken.     

The Real Story Is Just As Cool (And Is Guaranteed To Contain No Debbie Gibson Or Lorenzo Lamas!)

From the poetic caption to the kick-ass National Geographic photo, this might be the coolest thing ever to come from the pages of the LA Times.     

Read about this gushing fount of awesomeness for yourself: Leviathans may battle in remote depths – latimes.com.     

Smaktakula

MSNBC: Not Afraid To Ask Ridiculous Questions

27 Saturday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Duh, Science, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

carbon footprint, Chile earthquake, climate alarmism, climate change, earthquake, fault zone, faultline, global warming, Hawaii, man-made disaster, MSNBC, nature out of control, Pacific Ocean, Ring of Fire, science fiction, subduction zone, temblor, tsunami, U.S. Geological Survey

In the throes of a humanitarian crisis, it’s always important to ask ridiculous questions. 

Posits MSNBC: Is Nature Out Of Control? 

A better question would be: Has nature ever been subject to human control?  Only in science fiction. 

Dur

Grapple with life’s Big Questions with MSNBC: Big quake question: Is nature out of control? – LiveScience- msnbc.com. 

Smaktakula

A Godless Religion

19 Friday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion, Science, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

athiesm, athiestic fanatacism, Religion, religious fanatacism

 By Smaktakula

What is it about some atheists wanting so badly to debunk religion?  Refusing to believe in a higher power is fine, but I don’t understand the urge to pry other people from their faith.  If something makes people happy and helps them order their personal universe, what business is it of anyone else, even if the foundation of those beliefs are fallacy? 

Almost everyone has had that stomach-lurching experience of being trapped on a plane or in a three-day work conference with someone who, three seconds into the conversation, brings up the name of their diety, and then continues to do so while the listener squirms and frantically searches for a conversation-changer that never comes.  Not many people relish that conversation.  These fanatics, far from being the walking advertisement for their faith they no doubt believe themselves to be, turn away at least as many listeners as they attract.  Militant atheists are like this as well.  Like religious fanatics, these atheists know how best you should live your life, and what you should believe.  Religious and atheistic fanaticism share a trait common with most (if not all) forms of fanaticism, the castigation of those who hold heretical beliefs.

When someone is accosted by a religious fanatic, it can be unpleasant an unwanted.  Consider, however, that the fanatic, no matter how bizarre his or her beliefs, is in most cases, acting with what in other circumstances might be considered noble motives.  This person believes that the information he or she is sharing will save a life.  Does this justify an unwanted testimonial?  It does not.  I’m not sure it even mitigates it. 

Still, the point is worth considering, when you consider what benefit an atheist thinks he or she is imparting when debunking religious beliefs.  The atheist will tell you that he or she is freeing the deluded individual from the shackles of superstition and introducing him to the world of reason.  This idea is not entirely without merit.  However, as is true in so many cases, if the religious individual is happy with his or her faith and not actively doing harm to anyone else, attempting to undermine the foundation of this faith is cruel and unnecessary.  In this way, proselytizing atheists are like a sad little kid who’s found out that there really isn’t a Santa Claus and can’t wait to ruin the fun for everybody else.

Even Better Than The Real Thing?

18 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, National Politics, Science, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cannabis, cheeba, China, drug legalization, drug war, drugs, genie, head shops, K2, marijuana, marjuana substitute, pot, reefer, Spice, sweet sweet cheeba, THC, weed

A new, artificial marijuana substitute, called among other things, “K2,”  is making the rounds.  And for right now, it’s legal.  Given that this stuff is made in China, a folk not known for their rigorous industrial standards, it’s probably best avoided.

A move is underway to criminalize this stuff.  Of course, if the real thing were decriminalized, K2 would disappear over night.

Smaktakula

Great News For Polar Bears

16 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, General Foolishness, Science, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

climate change, climategate, environmental science, global warming, melting ice caps, Phil Jones, polar bears, Ragnarok, Science, University of East Anglia

From Mail Online: No Global Warming Since 1995

 

Let the healing begin.

Deniers & Adherents can both read it here: Climategate U-turn: Astonishment as scientist at centre of global warming email row admits data not well organised | Mail Online.

Smaktakula

From The Telegraph UK: Becoming Vegetarian Can Harm The Environment

16 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Europe, Food, General Foolishness, Health, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

climate change, emissions, environment, Telegraph UK, tofu, United Kingdom, vegetarianism

The evidence is mounting: Tofu is the greatest menace the world has ever known.

Read about the sinister toll of vegetarianism: Becoming vegetarian ‘can harm the environment’.

Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Is The Bomb

11 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Politics, Science, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anti-semitism, enriched plutonium, fission, Iran, Israel, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mutually assured destruction, nuclear war

By Smaktakula

Prickly Iranian president and great friend of America, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is claiming that Iranian scientists have enriched plutonium to a fissionable level.  Hopefully the little dictator is talking out of his Ascot.

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