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Tag Archives: bad grandparents

Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand

02 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Science, Sport

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

bad grandparents, ballet, dope, drugs, FDR, fun with foreigners, ghost baby, grass, headlines, hemp, homosexuality in ballet, ignorance--it's what we do, JFK, Joe Biden, marijuana, minky moo, Neil Patrick Harris, Orange County, poor people, prostitution, Puerto Rico, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, War on Poverty, weed

By Smaktakula

“HEAD Lines.” Get It? Do You Get It? We’re In A Very Literal Place Right Now.

***

Ass-Talking!

Ignorance!

Intellectual Laziness!

In which we respond to real headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Why nobody calls when you apply for a job ~ Because–and I mean this in the nicest way possible–you fucking suck.

7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders ~ Well, actually crippling them is one, obviously.

Neil Patrick Harris is happy to host the Emmys ~ ‘Happy’ is obviously code for gay. Think about it: who would actually enjoy hosting the Emmys?

‘Ghost baby’ born w/o blood in Orange County ~ That’s a ‘vampire baby’ you nitwit.

Police sting prostitutes after recent attacks on sex workers ~ “We’re protecting these women by aggressively prosecuting them for selling something they’d be perfectly within their rights to just give away.”

They Must Care An Awful Lot About You And Your Kids To Throw You In Jail Like That. By The Way, Where’s The Dude?

Why ‘war on poverty’ not over ~ ‘Cause there are still poor people left alive?

Grandpa Saves Himself, Leaves 3 Young Grandkids Behind… ~Gramps didn’t get as old as he has by taking a lot of unnecessary risks.

8 College Degrees with the Worst Return on Investment ~ Smaktakula has two of them!

JFK and FDR had 1 weird trick that can let you retire 100% tax-free. ~ And yet they both were forced to work right up until the time of their deaths. Sounds like a great trick.

Why Biden won’t win ~ Because, say what you will, America hasn’t completely lost its fucking mind.

If You Can’t Choose Between The Country Of Your Birth And America’s Age-Old Enemy, Canada, Then You Don’t Deserve To Be President.

Could you pass a US citizenship test? ~ Of course I can. I am neither stupid nor a foreigner.

3 Ways Guys Can Drop 20lbs Quickly ~ One is to hack off your own leg with a wood ax. You should probably check out the other two first, though.

Skiing in My Own Backyard ~ Is what poor people do.

What is a father supposed to call his daughter’s minky moo? ~ Ewww! Not that! Never that.

The Crisis in Contemporary Ballet ~ Well, for one thing, it’s completely gay–and not just in the homosexual way.

Right Off The Bat We Can Identify Like Four Different Kinds Of Gay.

Would you tell your kids you got high? ~ Oh man, I am so not looking forward to that conversation.

How Much Money Should Moms Be Paid? ~ Assuming Mom has a job outside the home, she should be paid approximately 70% of that job’s salary.

Why more Puerto Ricans are living in mainland U.S. than in Puerto Rico ~ Esto es “no-brainer.”

When my daughter ran into a burning car: to save her doll ~ We became childless.

Why You Should Color Your Gray At Home ~ Because nobody needs to see that grim Brillo-Pad of yours out in public.

If You Intend To Live Your Life Looking Like A Steel Wool Q-Tip, Be Sure To Devote Some Attention To Developing ‘Inner Beauty.’

 

***

Keep Waterboarding In The Home Where It Belongs

12 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Amnesty International, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bad grandparents, bad kids, child abuse, Clinton Heights, Evil Ones, gingers, Granny Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Marilee Ann Kolynych, nanny state, parental rights, Pennsylvania, Problem Child, wakeboarding, waterboarding

By Smaktakula

Granny Gitmo

Clinton Heights, Pennsylvania, has joined that growing list of places where parents are legally prohibited from disciplining their own children as they see fit.  63-year-old grandmother Marilee Ann Kolynych learned this the hard way when she sought to teach her grandson a lesson about gluttony.

Kolynych has apparently long prided herself in taking an active role in raising her grandchildren.  So, one morning when her grandson proved too rapacious at breakfast, consuming a few extra slices of bacon, Kolynych took matters into her own hands.  Kolynych chased the boy into the yard and forced him to the ground, while beating him about the arms and legs and spraying him full in the face with a garden hose.

You Don't Think This Kid Deserves It? Maybe Just A Little?

Although the boy was not seriously harmed during the pre-lunch assault, and will certainly think twice in the future before snatching an extra piece of breakfast meat, Kolynych was arrested the following day.  She is now free on bail.

We Get Waterboarding And Wakeboarding Mixed Up. Which Is The Fun One Again?

Activists on both sides of this issue are studying Kolynych’s ordeal with great interest.  Some agree with the prosecution that the Guantanamo Granny’s actions constitute abuse, and hope that Kolynych will receive a fitting punishment.  However, many others feel that American parents are slowly losing the right to discipline their own children.

Promethean Times agrees with these beleaguered parents.  Is it not enough that we can no longer use waterboarding techniques to extract recipes and childhood memories from the Evil Ones?  Not content to stop there, the courts now see fit to strip this age-old right from parents.

Even Amnesty International Doesn't Have A Problem With Waterboarding If Your Child Is A Ginger.

As Promethean Times has previously noted, this is not the first time that a pork product has sown the seeds of discord and aggression. ∞T.

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