abortion, Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Baseball, Bert & Ernie, Billy Carter, black sororities, breastuses, Camilla Parker Bowles, China, Courtney Love, degenerates, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, drunken Irishmen, Emmanuel Lewis, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fauxhawks, fellatrix, femullet, grass, hemp, Herb Tarlek, Hugh Hefner, Kim Jong-un, marijuana, Massengill disposable douche, mullets, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Pedobear, pork, pot, Prince William, reefer, Robert Mugabe, rope, Russell Brand, seriously--hippies are odious, Stupid Gene, sweet sweet cheeba, Taliban, testicles, Tina Fey, Tina Fey not dead, tiny penis, urban legends, vagina, water sports, weed, Westboro Baptist Church, Yao Ming
Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!
fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.
sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.
drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.
hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?
a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!
in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.
is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.
courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.
emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!
confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.
does prince william call camella “mom” — What do you think, retard?
tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.
history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?
what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?
who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.
cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.
did you invite jesus ~ Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.
bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.
opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.
how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?
paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.
percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.
was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts
korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea. In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever. They’re eaten.
promethean times ~ Hello!
cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.
spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.
worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.
westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.
white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!
lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.
naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’
crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!
after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there. they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?
fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.
fake testicles ~ Check these out!
baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.
pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.
statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).
douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.
marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!
dread hippy porn–We dread it too.
poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.
russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.
appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.
i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.
camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?
victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.
following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the guy who owns the most horses.
nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?
was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.
dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.
vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.
showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.
people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.
fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.
testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.
condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.
tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?
im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.
fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?
Check out how these creepos found us!
I am not an attractive laugher, so let me tell you, the last few minutes have not been pretty. What a great read. Thank you!! I was going to write a similarly themed post on my blog, but I’ll have to wait a bit now. There’s no topping this! 🙂
You’re too kind. And anyway, honest laughter is rarely unattractive.
And I say, go ahead and do your own. Intellectual property rights, after all, are going the way of the dodo. I lost a lot of faith in humanity when Time Magazine ripped off our ‘Person of the Year Award.‘ Worst of all, they gave us no credit.
El Guapo said:
Not sure if you should be pleased or afraid that those are the searches that bring people over.
Either way, great stuff!
Great stuff. Sick. Twisted. I like. I would “like” more if you had a Like button 🙂
Thanks, TLSH! You’re not the first to suggest a “LIKE” button, and perhaps we’ll put one in one of these days. It’s just that we’re afraid to let anyone get too close.
Oh don’t worry. I don’t bite. Hard.
Alex Autin said:
‘LIKE’ : )
These are hilarious….and all those little blue links just begging to be clicked! I bet you guys also get some pretty strange spam comments.
Get spam? Do we ever! We wrote a post about it!
Alex Autin said:
…I was hoping you’d say that
Cakes and Shakes... said:
Comedy gold. Why aren’t you famous already??
Thanks, C&S! You know, it’s that very same question with which Smaktakula sobs himself to sleep every night.
Lies! Those are just sleep-noises.