Tag Archives: Amber Portwood

A Modern Zen Koan: Reality Skanks

01 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

Nothing But A Euphemism For Touching Yourself.

The koan has been an essential part of the Buddhist arsenal for about fifteen centuries. These philosophical questions, the answers to which can only be reached by non-rational thinking–if at all, are designed not to test knowledge, but to put the listener  in the proper frame of mind to reach enlightenment. Among the better known koans are “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” and “What did your face look like before your father was born?”

It Sounds Like Your Lights Aren't Coming On.

In an effort to bring this philosophical discipline into the twenty-first century, Promethean Times has devised a koan which meets with Buddhism’s intellectual strictures, but is also throughly modern. Our question takes its subject matter not from the stuffy realms of philosophy or metaphysics, but from the full-color world of reality TV.

We Can Name Two Things That Make You Less Attractive.

Our koan is this: Between Amber Portwood and Leah Messer, two stars of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, who is more representative of human dignity, propriety and decency?

The Real Puzzle Is That, To Get On '16 and Pregnant,' A Man Must Have Been Willing To Lie Down With You.

Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

≈ 17 Comments

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By Smaktakula

We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.

Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet.  This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked.  In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters.  Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.

If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.

Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron.  Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.

Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.

Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision.  Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin.  But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?

Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.

Reality Skank ‘Devastated’ By Nudie Pix

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"

Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral.  The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.

In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven.  It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.

Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence.  After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.

By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.

Given that a boob job is pretty much an eventuality for Portwood, we’re curious as to why she didn’t wait to take these pictures until she’d undergone the procedure, and in doing so avoid looking like a nine-year-old boy. ∞T.